For the last 10 weeks, I have held on to a little secret that we are expecting a baby in June. And if that wasn't sweet enough, that baby was conceived without any medical intervention, and by the grace of God, I have been able to carry that baby for almost 14 weeks. Four ultrasounds and a few blood tests later, I was cleared right before Christmas to return to my regular OB/GYN with no explanation other than just big smiles from my doctor. It could have been because I had stripped my diet of sugar and a lot processed foods July - October doing the 21 Day Fix. It could have been the early medications he had me taking. It could have just been a lucky egg, a lucky cycle, a lucky season, but it's really happening, our miracle baby.
I've never really lived a life where each day feels like a blessing. Each morning that I wake up, and I am still pregnant is a blessing. No matter how sick I am or tired, I feel like God's hand is with us, even if we get this baby for one more day or a life time.
It's totally understandable that people who haven't lost a child would say, "but you already have one child, aren't you still just happy you were able to have one?" But I think the reality is that people forget is how much love, dreams, and hope goes into a pregnancy before a child is ever born. Each time we have tried to get pregnant, each month and an expectant period of hope. Each day not knowing is a period of expectancy. Each day carrying a child is a blessing. Each week as I read the milestones this little one is experiencing, I praise the Lord. "Thank you for creating our babies spine, let it be strong and without issue, allow this Folic Acid to help the baby's brain grow and for neurons to form". And I come to realize what a miracle each human life is and how God must have so much joy in creating each one of us. For today, I am again thankful to be with this child, for today, we have hope for it's little life with us.
This Christmas was the first year in my life that I had nothing on my Christmas list that I really cared about. I wanted to keep this baby alive, and I wanted to be safe. I wanted family to experience joy with us and celebrate our own Christmas miracle. As I read all those article about PCOS and endometriosis and how all those follicles on my ovaries were "bum eggs" that would probably never evolve into a baby, I began praying that God would heal my body enough to create a miracle, and one night with tears in my eyes, I said, "and if I get pregnant, I will give you all of the glory God because I know you are able to do all things". Little did I know, in those moments, He was already doing that. Somehow despite the 28 other follicles on my ovaries the day of my first ultrasound, one egg was good enough to make a baby. We were a week past ovulation with one possible date of conception, and no explanation other than "one of those miracles that walked in the door".
For 10 weeks, I have sat awestruck week by week as we go for ultrasounds and see a waving hand or a moving body. And I can't express the joy that I experience for those few short minutes knowing the heart beat is healthy and strong and our baby is safe. I can't express the joy I feel when KK lays her head on my belly and kisses the new baby. Because we are given each day in this life as a gift, even the really yucky and painful ones, every breath is a gift, every heart beat. Every moment with this little one who we have only seen on a screen and felt in our hearts is our own Christmas miracle.
Back in October when I was still not sure if this pregnancy would last, I went on a women's retreat, and struggled in big ways about God really being good, loving me, and hearing the desires of my heart. I felt like I was on the road to another disappointment as I had carried babies longer than I was at that time. I had just numb moments with God where I showed up and told Him I was scared and uncertain of His will. Just because I want to grow my family, doesn't mean that is God's plan. I know many other families led to adoption or who have lost many more than me. I sat in those days watching others heartfelt in their praises and cries to the Lord, and there I was nauseous, angry, lonely, and so very anxious that every day or hour was doom's day. That we would lose the baby and in a blink all that hope that had built would disappear as it had so many times before. And one day amidst my individual time, I was reading the given bible verses and I read:
And I read those words, over and over. Forget my fear? Forget those losses? Forget the pain? Trust what God is doing in this season despite so many trails of tears and uncomforting news.... So I just sat with it. For days. And something new continued to form. Something that I had prayed for that couldn't have come any other way through this broken body except through Him... And then I realized that I don't care how many moments or days God gives me this little one, He is doing something in me through this. I am being made new, too. Forget all of that anxiety and self propelled actions. Forget trying to do it all and be it all to make it work. God's doing something in ways that my will has no effect on it. So I have just been still, been in awe, and for the last few weeks just praised every day that we carry our miracle. I hope it's a story of renewal and faith but no one is guaranteed that. We just get this moment, we get today and this season of a miracle and we are so very thankful.
So for today and the last 14 weeks, we joyfully are expecting a baby to arrive in the end of June. And we are so thankful that God is doing things in us and through us. I hope to get to celebrate these days of hopeful waiting and graceful expectancy.
Isaiah 43:
1-4 -
The Message (MSG)
When You’re Between a Rock and a Hard Place
But now, God’s Message,
the God who made you in the first place, Jacob,
the One who got you started, Israel:
“Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you.
I’ve called your name. You’re mine.
When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you.
When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you’re between a rock and a hard place,
it won’t be a dead end—
Because I am God, your personal God,
The Holy of Israel, your Savior.
I paid a huge price for you:
all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!
That’s how much you mean to me!
That’s how much I love you!
Photos by Joyful Exposures, LLC.
