I set the appointment two months ago to get into the "best baby making doctor in the state", Dr. John Jarrett. I have been referred to him three times in the last six months and made my plans after my own OB/GYN said, "sorry, I don't think I would be able to help you very much". My sister went to this doctor when she had IVF. Yesterday was the twins first birthday, so it was sort of divine walking into the office and feeling like maybe I would get some direction on where to go next with my infertility. So I figured that my endometriosis would be discussed, a laproscopy date would be set and we would discuss follow ups for getting pregnant. When I left the office I was stunned, numb, and overwhelmed. No surgery, but a new diagnosis and a treatment plan that made surgery sound simple but hope for change much faster than I ever imagined.
So after what seemed like 15 minutes of a rapid paced, babbling monologue about my symptoms, I pulled out 3.5 year old pictures of my last laproscoptic procedure. My anxiety was racing, as I sat there sweating all over and impulsively talking from point to point on my note pad, I felt completely terrified. After a brief second, he said, "so you have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome". "No, I don't", I said impulsively. "Yes, you do, look at this first picture, it's obvious". Obvious? I saw I white balloon with some red squiggles on it. Looks like an ovary to me... He insisted on getting an ultrasound to illustrate his point. I agreed and back we went to the land of drop your pants and slide down a little farther for me. And in a some what defensive way, I expected him to retract his statement until I looked and saw a familiar sight. A white circle with lots of black circles. Looked like a scan I had when I was on fertility treatments. "17 on one side and 11 on the other, I'd say that's poly-cystic to me..." Smart ass, I thought, and then I got quiet. Why hasn't anyone seen this before? Why didn't the last doctor know this was PCOS? What happens now?
I have had all the symptoms for awhile, even asked about it a few times to my old doctor, but I was always told no and assured that PCOS was not an additional diagnosis. I was given a treatment plan in the past that was literally laughed at by this new doctor and for the second time in the last four months, I was told, "they were wrong". Two miscarriages and almost 3 years of battling my weight, anxiety, infertility and a slew of other hormone related issues from acne and hot flashes and now, someone in 30 seconds tells me it's all connected, related, and what I had asked about months ago.
Within minutes he was writing scripts and handing me packets about not only PCOS, but the drug I would need to take. I said, "it's not Metformin, is it??" and he smiled and asked why. "That's the drug that makes you have violent diarrhea", I said, to which he smiled and said, "not if you stop eating carbs and sugar"... And then everything got a little dizzying. I wanted to scream. All of the sudden, I felt like my world was closing in on me. He was proposing that I completely give up every single carbohydrate in the world (and sugar) and eat Paleo. The consequences: explosive diarrhea. And I thought for a moment about sharing several of my previous blogs with him. Does him know the intimate relationship I have with carbs? Does he know that they have helped me cope with these losses and failures?? Does he know how many weekends Chris and I have grieved over a pizza or burgers? Does he know how much we love to eat, cook, and indulge? Clearly he has no idea what this will do to us. And I turned a looked at the big man. His eyes were big like mine. It was a silence, an "oh shit" moment. This is one of those game changer appointments where afterward, you have to change your lifestyle because of what the doctor said. But in typical Chris form he agrees to it, encourages me that we can do it together, and "hey maybe we will lose that weight now". So I sat there sheepishly making funny banter, panicking, in denial. How? What? Why ? And he broke it down and explained it all and in minutes it was starting to make sense. All of these symptoms, all of these problems, from anxiety, infertility, and the trouble with weight, they all had one cause and it wasn't because "you aren't trying hard enough". It was, your liver isn't processing insulin correctly. And then, the news got sweeter. "Follow up in 10 weeks, but you should be pregnant by then, and if not, I have a plan but you won't need IVF, injectable medications, or any of that other stuff". 10 weeks? I couldn't wrap my heard around the fact that one pill and a diet could literally change everything before Christmas. That simple? That fast?
Relieved but also overwhelmed, I returned to the car with a giant box of supplements, packets of information, and no surgery date. For 12 years, I have wrestled with endometriosis, but in the background a bigger problem was causing more damage and it was completely missed. But now in 10 weeks, all of that could be reversed? And then reality set it. Our lives are going to have to change around food yet again. As if the 21 Day Fix wasn't hard enough, now, I am giving up the last of my carbs, my bananas, my potatoes and my weekend cheating... But Chris reminded me of how many months I have agonized over my ever growing body. The doctor suggests that I'll lose 7-10 pounds a month until I get pregnant. And it set in that so much of my pain and tears the last two years have been from this.
18 months, 2 miscarriages, and a lot of days of beating myself up for not working hard enough laden with anxiety are all about to change. Today, I started Metformin and my Paleo diet. And while I am scared, overwhelmed and a little hungry, I also have a little hope and peace that finally I know why. I am not crazy, lazy or at fault. I didn't cause my miscarriages and I really have done well with all things considered, but now, I have an answer. I can move forward. I have hope.
To have someone tell you, "oh we can get your pregnant no problem" was like a breath of fresh air. Stripping out carbs has been a battle that I have lost over and over because of lack of accountability. But now, I have to make this work. I have to follow the treatment. Before the appointment, I wrote out a prayer. Too anxious to keep thoughts fluid in my mind, I wrote them on my notebook that I took into the office. I prayed for peace, healing, a plan, and for God to reveal His purpose for our family to me. I never thought all of that would come out of a 30 minute consult. And while I am wrestling with anger and confusing about why it took so long to get to this place, I am also trying to hold up joy and peace about having a hopeful plan for the future. To hear that we will be parents again was so amazing and wonderful and relieving. And while every pregnancy is a miracle and not a guarantee, a doctor and researcher was saying that I should not even worry about the odds. The plan has three tiers with each of them being less severe than what I had ever imagined.
So I guess as the Paleo people say, I am going to become a cave woman :) at least in my diet. I cleaned the kitchen and went to Costco in search of meat, veggies, fruits and seeds. I am not going to give up. I am going to do this. I know there will be days in which I have hunger, but today, I follow the plan and have hope. I have lost 20 pounds since July on the 21 Day Fix, and now I am on my next leg of the journey. I have no doubt this will be hard, but as he said, "what's more important: food or your baby?" Probably a phrase I will have to say to myself when Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas roll around. I had this happy little thought that some day in the future I will be posting about how this next leg of the climb brought us a healthy pregnancy. I will look back on this blog, as I have with many, and thing, I see now. I see what He was doing there. Here's to hoping, wishing, and walking the journey that so many of my friends are on, the one to growing our families. Prayers appreciated as we continue to TTC (try to conceive). (Or Paleo recipes that replace my love of carbs) :)
