One Year to a New Me

This Sunday, KK turns 1!  I am not sure how 358 days have passed, but I guess they have!  I look back at her hospital pictures and she is like a little kid now instead of a newborn.  So much takes place in this first year.  We have already been through so much and she has no conscious memory of any of it.  I remember those first moments.  After my C-Section, I heard a little baby scream and then quickly settle down once they cuddled her up.  I think back to the pain, the feelings of newness, the wondering.  After years of working stressed out day after day, I welcomed being stuck alone with Chris and this tiny person for four days in one room.  We talked, held each other, and just were alone.  We weren't planning, cleaning, doing, but we just sat together.  For days, I was just trying to get back to basic body functions while trying to feed, cuddle, and dress up this tiny little person who is now my little side kick. 

I remember looking at tiny fingers and tiny toes, listening to snorts and baby breaths, her pudgy cheeks and trying to figure out where she got all of her features.  I felt like an empty vessel, almost used to being pregnant, and now she was in my arms and not in my belly.  There was so much new and so much foreign that I didn't know just how much my life would never be the same.  

This journey that can take place in a year is one that makes the word "transition" truly meaningful.  I've become someone new, someone different.  I have moved forward in so many ways with my dreams, but let go of so much that I thought was important. 

I had no idea one year could do so much.  I had no idea that my heart could grow so much.  I had no idea I could love so deep, and I had no idea I could sleep so little.  If I learned anything, it was to pray constantly, follow my gut, and close doors that lead to unnecessary heart ache.  I have learned that the dearest people in your life are family and people who love the Lord so that in turn they can love you.  I have learned what evil looks like in people, whether it be greed or malice, and I have found ways to stop feeling sorry and just say, I have to protect what I love including myself.  I have set boundaries and stopped feeling sorry for those who spend life feeling sorry for themselves.  I have found joy, and I am willing to share it as long as it doesn't cost me losing mine. 

I have learned who I want to be, and I keep striving to be her.  I have learned to be messy, and learned to try harder.  I have learned to say what I need instead of thinking I can do it all myself.  I have learned to say no, learned to depend on God to provide, and I have learned to forgive.  I have learned to trust, learned to stop caring so much, and learned that the best parts of myself are unseen by the human eye. 

My new normal is far greater than any normal I've had, but it's harder.  Before I gave birth a fortune cookie I got said, "Life always gets harder closer to the summit", and it truly was a sign of what was to come.  In the last year, I have tried to selflessly love KK and so in turn I have changed.  In turn I have been humbled.  I learned I couldn't do it, be it, live it, and give it all the time, and some how there is so much freedom in that.  While there are moments I have no idea what I am doing and I am buried in the depths of my own drama, I realized I am so much farther ahead.  Last year, I was buried at work in a job I had no control over.  I was exhausted.  I had no hobbies, no passion, no ability to feel like I had a say in my life because by the time I was done working, there was no more "Me" left.  Now, I have a new me... my mommy me, and I will never go back to that old life.  Not for money, fame, or ease.  Thank you little lady... for helping me to be the me I always wanted to be...  I had no idea I would gain so much by being a mother.  I always thought it was a job where you gave and got little in return, a thankless job... but I have found, it's not what I have gained from her but through loving her that has made all the difference in me.  Maybe I just had to learn how to love myself through loving my child and realizing what a gift each of us truly are.  God truly does create us in His image to do good work in us and through us, and I finally see just how deep the Father's love is.  All of that in one year.  She's a pretty good teacher...

The Beat of My Heart...

Every Monday afternoon, I have to get ready for work.  Most days it takes awhile if KK is awake because she is now into everything.  She pulls clothes off the hangers, gets into the trash, wants into the shower, puts bottles into her mouth and opens the cabinets and pulls out everything.  I usually bank extra time to make it out the door.  Today she was sleepy so I tried laying her down.  She got this cute stuff sheep with a few noise machine noises on it.  The other day I took it out, so I let her take it to bed with her for nap time today and she loved it.  She gets to pick the sound and within a minute she's fallen asleep without a peep. 

But my heart melted a little when I turned up the monitor today.  There peacefully asleep was my little lady, butt up in the air listening to the sound of a heart beat.  While in my office I find this sound to particularly drive me nuts, a few of my clients love it.  It always felts like a kid banging on a drum. I guess it's because for her, she spent 9 months listening to it.  Nine months in my belly being loved on and it feels like home.   I love this kid so much, because for nine months I felt her.  I felt her pretty early on in pregnancy, and I loved her from the start.  So to hear her soothed by a heart beat today melted my heart. 


I am not a big proponent of co-sleeping for our family because I am a light sleeper as is KK.  I figured from night one, no one would sleep well if we added a baby who might suffocate, so she's always been in a crib or bassinet.  She's always slept well.  She has always fallen asleep without assistance.  She's always been quite independent.  While it's a blessing to have such an easy baby, with her going to daycare, I feel less and less needed by her.  If she has her blankie, a cup of something, and her paci she is the ultimate self-soother.  Sometimes I just feel like I could be replaced by any childcare person.  But today, as I listen to her listen to the heart beat and I see how relaxed she is, that once annoying rhythm reminds me that she loves me, needs me, and misses me when I am away.

I hate leaving her most of the time.  We really are so close now.  I see why parents who lose a child to death or become estranged can fall apart.  I know I would now that I know this kind of love.  The heart beat has been playing as I write this.  My heart beats along with it.  KK has changed my heart so much.  It's so much easier to close the door to "the things of this world" and all of the brokeness in it.  Love is truly the one thing that matters in this world.  It's the only thing that changes us.  It's the only truly holy thing that I have experienced from above and here on earth that sustains my soul. 

Earlier today I was having one of those theological thoughts about "the point of life"...  It was meaningless for a moment.  It was depressed for a moment.  And then I heard the heart beat.  I was reminded.  Reminded just how much this life is worth every ounce of struggle and pain... To experience this kind of love, I'd do it all over again...

The Catch 22 of the Day...

Today is little lady's first day at school.  I call it school because they have curriculum and the idea of daycare still creeps me out.  She and I have talked about school, and I guess she's been telling me she is ready to play with some kids.  She loves her best friend, Milo, a 1 year old who is just 6 weeks behind her.  They used to ignore one another, but now are constantly pushing, touching, and starting to interact.  She is much more alert and curious.  She is constantly on the move.  She is more independent, eating small bites of food on her own and giving herself her bottle or sippy cup.  She is going to walk any day.  She stands up independently for at least 20 seconds, and then she screams in delight.  Yesterday, she was busy playing for hours and appeared restless that I cornered her off to three rooms.  She was picking up toys, and she listened to me read books.  She played in the bath tub and splashed, splashed, splashed.  She's pretty much all packed and ready to go... 

Meanwhile, I am in awe that the 8 pound baby I delivered 49 weeks ago, is now a small little person moving all over the house and getting into everything.  One year of my life has completely changed who I am, what I do, and how I live my life.  So much of the drama, stressed out, over worked person is in my past.  I have cleaned out toxic people from my interactions, toxic foods from our pantry, and poor habits that were making us feel guilty.  Contrastingly, I have found so much joy in being a mom first and a therapist second.  I have found so much contentment making our home and keeping our lives most days (you know there are other days that get a little overwhelming).  And since I have already changed so much in a year, I was just starting to feel like we were in sync.  I felt like I knew what she wanted when she squeaks.  I felt like I knew when she was just whining because her car was stuck or she couldn't reach something...

To me, she's still a little baby.  She still makes me want to wrap her up and cuddle her for hours.  But she doesn't want that most of the time.  She wants to play, to learn, to talk, to yell, to move, to crawl, to explore.  I see her mind processing so much information.  I don't want to limit her.

I have gotten to a point in my career where I am stuck.  I can't do anymore at home without taking away from her, and I can't do anymore at work without doing things well.  With over 30 clients, I am bursting at the seems.  I have the demand to see more and do more and I want to, but I also feel guilty letting a stranger raise my child for 8 hours of a day.  Unfortunately, daycare doesn't let you pay by the hour...  I also know she needs interactions with other kids, so she doesn't become that socially awkward home school kid who thinks the world revolves around them and has no ability to listen, follow directions and play with other kids.

So... here we are... That catch 22 that most my mom friends have already dealt with.  I learned this year in my women's ministry that we have to say no to good things, so we can do the great things.  I have been at home with her for 49 weeks... a mega maternity leave, and I am only going back for 2 days a week.  The feelings are the same in a way as if I had left her after 12 weeks.  She is still my baby.  She is still the most precious cargo I have ever had to make decisions about.  But I know we will both do much greater things when we say yes to this and no to the comfort of being at home alone together all the time.

 

Her bag is packed, outfit laid out.  I am about to wake her up.  I just needed a moment to process that she's not a tiny infant anymore.  I am ready to let her go for a bit.  Don't think I won't be at the daycare for several hours this morning as she adjusts....  Ugh, being a parent is so hard.  So much love, so much pain.  But it's all worth it...