Not Ready To Ring in the New Year

2013 has been such a big year, I end it very tired, overwhelmed and overloaded with claims to bill, new medical software, daycare applications that need to get filled out, and a long list of chores left undone for 2013.  I dread writing the wrong year on stuff, and I am just not ready to admit that almost a year has gone by since I last felt like I had it together.  I'm not ready to move on with my life and admit KK is almost a toddler, that my grandmother really is in heaven, and that I really am running my own business now and there are no more direct deposits coming from my old job.  Life moves so quickly these days... Years feel like months, and months feel like days compared to when I was younger...

While I love our typical NYE tradition of Chinese takeout and watching movies together, I can't help but feel like I am not really ready to be done with this year.  I am not really ready to put KK in daycare.  I'm not really ready to admit that "maternity leave" is truly over, has been over for awhile, and I am way past due on burning off those last 15 pregnancy pounds...  I think I've been living in a place of survival because right when I felt settled another big change occurred that threw us off our routine.  Another big change... vacation, maternity leave ending, quitting my job, running full time practice, grandma dying, baby being born, baby growing up.. just a lot of changes for one year.  Becoming a parent has completely and totally changed my life.  Hard to remember which was is up some days...

Where does time go?  Why does it go so fast?  One day seems so short lately.  One day truly seems like blinking.  It's hard to savor moments and enjoy gatherings because lately they just all go so quickly, and then we're off again to the next thing, the next day, week or celebration.  10 diaper changes, three meals and two snacks, two naps, one night sleep, and several dog trips outside.  There are so many times this year I've said, when is the last time I saw so-and-so and I think, "that many years?"  Eww, I am so close to 30, I can smell it.  I am not closer to 21 than 30.  I am more middle aged than teenaged, and finality of life became real when the grandma who had been through it all and more passed this year.

I try to savor every moment.  I have rocked KK for hours and just prayed over her and sang to her.  I have snuggled my hunny at night time and just recalled our memories, but more of my life these days is a series of chore combinations: laundry, cooking, dusting, vacuuming, bed making, bill paying, mail sorting, toy cleaning, diaper changing, formula making, baby feeding, baby washing, baby playing, carpet cleaning, bed making, floor cleaning, paperwork writing... woof.  I feel like I am on repeat and fast forward and I look in the mirror some days and think, wow, I am not a young lady anymore.  I am just a lady...  : /

I have so many goals this year I didn't reach (but so many goals I met and surpassed).  I have so many people I wanted to see and places I wanted to go, but it just didn't happen.  I had so many workouts I meant to do.  I had so many ways to improve my business that got side tracked.  I am getting to that age where there is always something more you could be doing... but then I don't...  My endless cup of motivation is sucked dry by maintaining what I have that I don't really go too far and beyond these days.  I used to spend extra hours working and creating things for work, and now I just show up.  I get behind in areas that I never did before.  It's all conscious, and it stresses me out because I am still just having trouble balancing it all, saying no to the extras, and not feeling guilty when I don't meet my standard anymore.

There are so many naps I wish I had, so many vacations I wish we took, and so many dinners with friends we never planned.  So much Candy Crush instead of conversation... so much TV and facebook instead of spending good face-to-face time... so much mindless wandering through my pantry instead of being mindful about my time and my choices.  I get side tracked on stupid things for hours when you add it all up but sometimes those mindless escapes are all you have time for when you are booked from rise to fall.  For this season of my life, a few minutes of moving colored candies to defeat a level of chocolate is my vacation after a long day or week.  It's not extended weekends by the beach or a week long trip out of the country... it's just doing the day in and the day out.

Chris and I have done New Years Resolutions for a few years.  We usually do well until something big happens... a vacation that gets us off task, an unexpected death, a baby... but I want to try to refocus and be mindful.  Maybe throw a blanket over the TV and try to ignore it in the evening.  Maybe set a work schedule and dial things back a bit.  Maybe, just maybe, call a friend once a week to say hello.. Something... But I need to hit my reset button and I am not quite ready.  About eight hours until the clock strikes midnight.  Am I ready for 2014?  No, but it's coming ready or not, so I hope we can be mindful tonight.. maybe plan how to regain control in 2014....

Who I've Become in 2013

This year has been crazy life changing for me.  Obtained my license, had a baby, went back to work and quit the first day, and then ramped up my private practice.  Then My grandma died, I've had to learn to balance my schedule with my husbands, and the freedom of being a person without a child was ripped away on February 2nd.  I look at who I am today at 8:31 on a Thursday morning, and it's nothing of who I was a year ago.  I am 12 pounds (or more) heavier than I want to be, I am doing better in my business than I ever thought possible, I am head over heels for my little kiddo, but all these changes cause stress in other areas where I once was so good and so diligent.  I am a far worse house keeper, a far less attentive and selfless wife, and an absent friend. 

I know all my mom friends feel me when I say that I have so many things I NEED to do and I can't get them done.  Time is one of many resources I am running out of these days.  From the moment I wake and until usually a half hour before I go to bed, I have someone completely dependent on me.  And when she is napping or asleep, I have a business to run.  I am billing claims, doing accounting, writing progress notes, printing notes, filling files, talking to new clients, coordinating care with doctors offices and hospitals in sweat pants in my living room for 2-3 hours a day, and then I leave to go to work for another 4-5 hours in the afternoon.  But I just work "part time" I tell people.  My doctor today said he sees a lot of female doctor work "part time", which really means they do a full time job in a part time job's worth of hours.  Fair to say, Dr. P, that you are correct.  I don't have a 30 minute lunch break or heck a 5 minute bathroom break because I am always on to the next thing.  It's tiring...

I've done it all and failed a lot this year, too.  I've tried to breastfeed.  I've tried to complete a to do list.  I've tried to do just one more errand even though I know it's past her limit.  I've tried to simplify.  But I've failed some how.  I failed to call friends back who wanted to celebrate with me after she was born.  I failed to contain my anxiety after birth and had days of sitting along crying while rocking the baby alone in her room.  I have fought with my partners, cried at my office, and cried in bed at night after missing long discussions well needed in our marriage.  I have tried so very hard to be and feel blessed, but sometimes, I am that unfulfilled whiner silently praying in the corner for MORE MORE MORE or maybe LESS LESS LESS.  Some days I am not sure I know what I want.

All of these changes are the Dream I've always had for myself, but no real life is perfect.  My Pintrest account is full of ideas to update my house, activities to do with KK, and books I want to read.  I have so many amazing ideas, and no time to make them a reality.  I sleep soundly at night though.  I work hard.  And I've had to start being ok with dishes in the sink over night, and waking up to toys all over the living room floor.  I've become satisfied with occasionally eating processed drive thru crap because there just isn't time to be "perfect".  There isn't enough time to be "perfect enough".  There isn't a time to be mediocre some days.  Some days, I only have time to take care of KK and maybe get dressed and brush my teeth.  I know my non-mommy friends say, THAT'S IT?  Seriously?  But you try to do anything with a teething infant who is constantly in pain and only is consoled by being held by her mother.  Tell me how much you get done.  I am not a lazy person and yet there is still work to do.

All this being said... I am realizing more than ever that I need help.  I enrolled little lady in school two days a week for the new year.  I kept my commitment to my church mommy group and our small group because I need those times to stop and reflect on my life.  I let myself vent to my mother whenever I feel the need.  I am asking friends to babysit or help make a dish instead of trying to do it all myself.  I'm letting my partners take over projects and telling my friends, I am sorry this is all I have to give in the friendship at this phase in my life.  This is as good as it gets for right now.  I am trying to figure out how to give my marriage the time it deserves instead of depending on the fact that it will always be there.

I think this is what every first time mom goes through.  I think all of this is "normal life adjustment".  This year has been such a reality check and a wake up call.  When I was single, I laid around in my room or took an afternoon nap regularly.  I slept 10 hours a night, cooked for myself, and found time to journal regularly.  I was at church 4 nights a week volunteering.  I worked.  I met friends and talked to them all the time.  When I got married and we bought the house, that "me time" decreased.  Then we got Macy and that time decreased some more.  And then we had KK, and now I am lucky to get a hot shower and a fresh pair of sweat pants before bed. 

I've never been to the grocery store this many times in one year.  I have never just given away money to a child like this before without thinking.  I've never just closed out the rest of my social network just to lay on the floor and play patty cake, but this is who 2013 has made me.  I am a mother, a small business owner, a wife, a daughter, a friend, and a God follower.  I am four weeks behind on my favorite TV shows and I haven't had a date night without a child since Valentine's Day.  While I strive for balance in my life, I have also come to accept that this year has been so important to the little lady upstairs still asleep in her footie pajamas.  She hasn't been sick or had issues with health.  She's happy and thriving and learning things all the time.  She isn't having trouble with sleep or struggles with playing.  She's doing wonderful.  I've done my job this year.  I've paid my bills, I've raised my child, I've cared for my dog and husband and home and my family.  Everything else outside of that is a miracle.  Holler if you hear me.....