In a matter of days (3), my daughter will be nine months old. She is amazing. Full of life, crawling, standing, jibbering and jabbering. She is the light of my world. Nine months ago seems like a blink of an eye, yet, so much has happened since she changed my world one chilly February morning. My visions of motherhood are a bit tainted. After years of nannying, I forgot just how truly exhausting having a baby is, and how little doesn't get done simply because it's a choice between intentionally playing and loving on this little bundle you've created or ignoring them so you can some what do something for yourself. I will admit. I still have moments where I go to the bathroom, get the mail, put groceries away and cook a meal or work on paperwork of some kind, but outside of the essentials to life, I have struggled to find time.
That brings me to today's post. When Nine Months On Isn't Nine Months Off. Fifty pounds ago, I was pregnant. An eight pound baby came out, but the rest of that weight was simple me eating anything and everything under the sun. I wasn't one of those fit pregnant people. My idea of a work out was actually getting out for work, walking the dog a half a mile, or attending a yoga class for 30 minutes. I usually slept 14 hours a day and ate anything I could find. I gained about 54 pounds give or take a few since I have since bought a scale and realized my old one weighed a little light.
A friend of mine, early in the weight loss program post natal said, "nine months on and nine months off". I said, I hope it doesn't take THAT long. I worked hard. I did weight watchers for three months, clean eating, and calorie reducing. I have had times I was walking 45-60 minutes daily and times I was doing Jillian Michaels Shred DVD's. But here I am stuck a good 10 pounds above pre-baby weight today as after my grandma passed away I gained back a few pounds.
It's hard to see and accept that what if my body does hold this weight until I am done having kids. What if, I never really truly find the time for myself. What if I just keep making excuses? I could easily run for 20 minutes a day during nap time and finish paperwork later. I could easily even just stay consistent with my daily walks, but I am so good at finding 1000 other things to do besides working out, and I am a huge sucker for a greasy cheeseburger with fries, an ice cream cone, and a whole lot of carbs. I am not nearly as bad as I once was. My cabinets looks vastly different and our eating habits have greatly improved.... But, I am still not where I want to be.
Usually in these moments, I recommit. I get an even more intense plan and try harder. But today, I just feel like surrendering. It's been a really challenging year. Had a baby, quit my job, started a new business, got licensed, lost my grandmother, had to learn how to surrender to not parenting the way I planned. Everything in my life is harder than I plan on it being. Grad school, getting my MFT license, having a house, and definitely being a parent. I even have a pretty easy baby and I am still overwhelmed a lot of the time. I have done a lot. I have still maintained friendships including my marriage. I have still been there for my family and friends. I have still kept a nice house and yard. I still am on top of my finances, my business paperwork, and I am still able to keep my promises most of the time.
These last nine months, I have grown into being a mother. I still have so much more learning to do. I have poured myself into my daughter, my business, and keeping up with everything else in my life, it's no wonder I am still holding on to my comfort foods from time to time. It's no wonder I haven't lost 60 pounds in 9 months. I guess I am just going to have to surrender to the fact that I can't be it all, do it all, and lose it all. Maybe if the circumstances were different. Maybe all moms just aren't alike. Either way, I am struggling to accept it, but I am trying to realize sometimes it just doesn't work out for you no matter how hard you try. But I will just keep trying. Just keep eating healthy and being active. One day it will all work itself out.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Monday, October 28, 2013
Continuing to Find the Meaning of Life
2013 continued to be a year of highs and lows. My grandmother passed away Thursday, October 24th sometime in the night. She is one of six people I have attended their funeral. One of three direct relatives to die in my lifetime. I'd like to say that I am comfortable with death since I am a therapist and have talked about loved ones dying and how to transition, but I suck at it. This death was particularly odd for me. More feelings of happiness for my grandma, but obviously sadness for the change and transition. As I was reading her eulogy, my lack of emotion came to a head and I was overwhelmed with grief. My grandmother was a widow for almost 20 years. Her life was hard. I couldn't even write about all she came through because she was a pretty private person. She didn't say much and she certainly didn't tell my mother what she went through. After the funeral, I heard more stories about things I had wondered about but didn't know.
I'm now left back in my "usual life" with a lot of information, feelings, and ideas that I am slowly tying into who I am and who I want to be. I spent years trying to get to know my family, and found that there are so many deep and dark secrets on both sides for generations. We all have our junk. But seeing how that junk impacts other people in the family tree was particularly alarming. How I love or fail to love has huge implications for how my child loves and how she loves her children. That impacts down the line and down the line.
I learned that as terrible as my grandmothers life was, she chose to break the cycle on many of those issues and unfortunately she internalized that pain. I saw the effects of that internalizing, but never really understood the cause. I work with trauma victims all the time and Grandma screamed "trauma" to me, but I never really put it all together. The Great Depression, the domestic violence, the drinking, the racism, then poverty and death. 87 years to come from that back to a life where everyone has died and you can't take care of yourself.
We don't like to think about death or what it really means. We like to think of life and this opportunity to do such great things, but in the last week, I feel like I have seen peace in death. That when God takes you home, sometimes that's the most peaceful part of all. This world is full of brokenness and pain. It's full of loneliness. It's full of hurt and disappointment. As great as this world can feel it's only a glimmer of heaven. It's only a sand grain of God's goodness. That's the hope that I have. And my job, well, it makes me feel much better and much more joy to continue to serve people in the mess. If I can't help ease the pain and help transition people through the fight, then I suppose that's a honor. I wish Grandma would have had more support than she did.
When someone reads my eulogy, I want them to be happy for me, but sad at the same time. I want to have a list of such good memories but reality that life is more than a series of paychecks, a series of vacations or purchases. Life is little moments and memories with your family and friends. It's about finding joy even in hard times. It's about perception, and I guess if my grandmother did one thing really well was that she focused on people and relationships. Her one desire was to maintain and grow friendships. She loved to talk on the phone, she loved to visit or go out to eat with people. She loved to golf, play cards, bowl, and be social. She was a home maker after she had kids, and I never really heard her say she wished she had more money or more professional development.
I guess I am finishing this a little farther along... I am realizing how blessed I have already been in my life, and I just want to stay intentional about the truly important things. I just want to remind myself what really matters. I don't think I will get to the end of my life and say, "I could have made more money" or "you know I could have gotten my doctorate if I really wanted to". Some days will simply be laundry, cooking, cleaning and taking care of dirty diapers. But my attitude, my heart, and my joy is what will be remembered by my child. Thank you Grandma for enduring with a smile. I think you have always been a go-getter and a busy little lady up until the end. I am remembering those Christmas card photos of you and grandpa in your Florida paradise. I bet you're there now... in your cute top, next to him, in that warm sunshine smiling from ear to ear. You're home now. You're safe. You're loved....
I'm now left back in my "usual life" with a lot of information, feelings, and ideas that I am slowly tying into who I am and who I want to be. I spent years trying to get to know my family, and found that there are so many deep and dark secrets on both sides for generations. We all have our junk. But seeing how that junk impacts other people in the family tree was particularly alarming. How I love or fail to love has huge implications for how my child loves and how she loves her children. That impacts down the line and down the line.
I learned that as terrible as my grandmothers life was, she chose to break the cycle on many of those issues and unfortunately she internalized that pain. I saw the effects of that internalizing, but never really understood the cause. I work with trauma victims all the time and Grandma screamed "trauma" to me, but I never really put it all together. The Great Depression, the domestic violence, the drinking, the racism, then poverty and death. 87 years to come from that back to a life where everyone has died and you can't take care of yourself.
We don't like to think about death or what it really means. We like to think of life and this opportunity to do such great things, but in the last week, I feel like I have seen peace in death. That when God takes you home, sometimes that's the most peaceful part of all. This world is full of brokenness and pain. It's full of loneliness. It's full of hurt and disappointment. As great as this world can feel it's only a glimmer of heaven. It's only a sand grain of God's goodness. That's the hope that I have. And my job, well, it makes me feel much better and much more joy to continue to serve people in the mess. If I can't help ease the pain and help transition people through the fight, then I suppose that's a honor. I wish Grandma would have had more support than she did.
When someone reads my eulogy, I want them to be happy for me, but sad at the same time. I want to have a list of such good memories but reality that life is more than a series of paychecks, a series of vacations or purchases. Life is little moments and memories with your family and friends. It's about finding joy even in hard times. It's about perception, and I guess if my grandmother did one thing really well was that she focused on people and relationships. Her one desire was to maintain and grow friendships. She loved to talk on the phone, she loved to visit or go out to eat with people. She loved to golf, play cards, bowl, and be social. She was a home maker after she had kids, and I never really heard her say she wished she had more money or more professional development.
I guess I am finishing this a little farther along... I am realizing how blessed I have already been in my life, and I just want to stay intentional about the truly important things. I just want to remind myself what really matters. I don't think I will get to the end of my life and say, "I could have made more money" or "you know I could have gotten my doctorate if I really wanted to". Some days will simply be laundry, cooking, cleaning and taking care of dirty diapers. But my attitude, my heart, and my joy is what will be remembered by my child. Thank you Grandma for enduring with a smile. I think you have always been a go-getter and a busy little lady up until the end. I am remembering those Christmas card photos of you and grandpa in your Florida paradise. I bet you're there now... in your cute top, next to him, in that warm sunshine smiling from ear to ear. You're home now. You're safe. You're loved....
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Putting my Blinders On
I feel like 2013 has been a year of peaks. Excitement and joy followed by periods of anxiety and confusion. I've gone from being a full time therapist in community mental health newly married and financially secure, to a mother, part-time therapist, business owner and living what feels like week to week based on my practice. It's a bit of a tight rope walk most days. Trying to balance the weight of everything, and praying each step that I don't fall over or lose sight of the goal.
When I worked in the school, the kids who had trouble concentrating use to tell me that it felt like every time they tried to do work, it felt like all the other stuff in the room got in the way. I used to tell these poor children living in the worst zip code in Indy about how the horses downtown who pulled the carriages had the same problem. I told them about things called "blinders" that horses wear to help them. They had seen the horses and were impressed they were able to walk with the cars. They had an idea of the kind of stress it would be like to need to be brave, walk forward, and push on despite loud and confusing distractions. They listened to the story about blinders and how they helped the horses do their job, and then we would create blinders with their hands so they got the concept.
I feel like lately, I could use some life skills in creating my own blinders. My mind is scattered with a mixture of things to do, things I see could be done, and then reminders of things I started but forgot to do. Transition and anxiety for me are like ADHD but on a part time basis. I could benefit from a stimulant medication these days. I could benefit from someone sitting down with me and forcing me to prioritize my tasks. I could use a maid, a chef, a secretary, and a nanny. I would have a full days work for each of them so that I could just love KK and do therapy. But I am just one horse... one horse with a full load to carry.
I am really good at organizing myself, but lately I am just overwhelmed. It's been about one month since I down sized just to private practice, and I find I am still letting the noise get to me. It's certainly gotten better. I can fall asleep without racing thoughts. I can keep up with most of the housework, and all my progress notes are still done each week, but I forgot to listen to my body. I forget to pee, eat, and rest when I need to. Yesterday, I heated up a cup of soup in the microwave. Between putting away dishes, feeding the baby, and cleaning the counter tops, I forgot I had made it. I had open and shut the microwave after it cooked so I could finish loading waters into the fridge, and then I totally spaced I had cooked it. So about thirty minutes goes by and my stomach growls. I thought, why am I still hungry, I just ate...... ..... ..... ..... I don't remember eating anything... I remember cooking, but not eating... (I looking in the microwave). Oh...
I realize I am busy doing all of the outside things of this world, and still forgetting to focus on me. So I don't eat, but then mindlessly binge later. I don't rest throughout the day, so I crash at night. I don't manage my anxiety, so I snap at my hubby later in the day. By 10pm, I am physically sore, mentally shot, and emotionally shut down. I am overwhelming myself because I can't find a way to shut out the noise and senseless extra crap that doesn't matter.
In Proverbs 4:25, the writer says, "Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you." The whole chapter is about wisdom and how we become wise and closer to God when we lose sight of all of the other unnecessary junk. We gain peace and understanding when we look only towards God. But how the heck do you do that? How do I remain a productive member of society, a mindful parent, and a loving wife who selflessly seeks to love and provide for my husband? How do I be in this world, but not of it? How do I have a clean and loving home and still fix my eyes on Jesus?
When I worked in the school, the kids who had trouble concentrating use to tell me that it felt like every time they tried to do work, it felt like all the other stuff in the room got in the way. I used to tell these poor children living in the worst zip code in Indy about how the horses downtown who pulled the carriages had the same problem. I told them about things called "blinders" that horses wear to help them. They had seen the horses and were impressed they were able to walk with the cars. They had an idea of the kind of stress it would be like to need to be brave, walk forward, and push on despite loud and confusing distractions. They listened to the story about blinders and how they helped the horses do their job, and then we would create blinders with their hands so they got the concept.
I feel like lately, I could use some life skills in creating my own blinders. My mind is scattered with a mixture of things to do, things I see could be done, and then reminders of things I started but forgot to do. Transition and anxiety for me are like ADHD but on a part time basis. I could benefit from a stimulant medication these days. I could benefit from someone sitting down with me and forcing me to prioritize my tasks. I could use a maid, a chef, a secretary, and a nanny. I would have a full days work for each of them so that I could just love KK and do therapy. But I am just one horse... one horse with a full load to carry.
I am really good at organizing myself, but lately I am just overwhelmed. It's been about one month since I down sized just to private practice, and I find I am still letting the noise get to me. It's certainly gotten better. I can fall asleep without racing thoughts. I can keep up with most of the housework, and all my progress notes are still done each week, but I forgot to listen to my body. I forget to pee, eat, and rest when I need to. Yesterday, I heated up a cup of soup in the microwave. Between putting away dishes, feeding the baby, and cleaning the counter tops, I forgot I had made it. I had open and shut the microwave after it cooked so I could finish loading waters into the fridge, and then I totally spaced I had cooked it. So about thirty minutes goes by and my stomach growls. I thought, why am I still hungry, I just ate...... ..... ..... ..... I don't remember eating anything... I remember cooking, but not eating... (I looking in the microwave). Oh...
I realize I am busy doing all of the outside things of this world, and still forgetting to focus on me. So I don't eat, but then mindlessly binge later. I don't rest throughout the day, so I crash at night. I don't manage my anxiety, so I snap at my hubby later in the day. By 10pm, I am physically sore, mentally shot, and emotionally shut down. I am overwhelming myself because I can't find a way to shut out the noise and senseless extra crap that doesn't matter.
In Proverbs 4:25, the writer says, "Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you." The whole chapter is about wisdom and how we become wise and closer to God when we lose sight of all of the other unnecessary junk. We gain peace and understanding when we look only towards God. But how the heck do you do that? How do I remain a productive member of society, a mindful parent, and a loving wife who selflessly seeks to love and provide for my husband? How do I be in this world, but not of it? How do I have a clean and loving home and still fix my eyes on Jesus?
I am coming to a point in my life where I am starting, just starting to, accept life is never pretty. The farther I get from my own blissful ignorance of childhood, the messier this world gets. I have moments of pure joy and clarity but they are in the context of a broken world. There are no blinders to being an adult. No reality filter which only gives you the good stuff. We aren't designed to function that way. But we have to "refocus" our eyes regularly so that we don't get sucked up by the overwhelming brokenness that surrounds us. We have to pick our eyes up to God and look at things from a bigger, broader perspective than the one we get here on the ground.
I am learning in my life that I have to create divine appointments with God. The pace of this world is so fast. The days speed by like drops of water out of a bucket. So many moments are moving by, and here I am. I can get lost in it, freeze and panic in anxiety, or I can make my own blinders with my mind and keep walking towards the goal. I have to fix my eyes on taking care of things in priority and start being ok with the things left undone. While it's not easy, it's the only thing I think that will break the chains of chaos in my mind. It's the only thing that will allow me to be mom, therapist, wife, homeowner. It's that re-centering process that I need to do, but usually forget doing... I need blinders, too. There's so much to see and do, and I can't see and do it all. I have to be purposeful, mindful, and conscious of my time. It is after all my greatest gift...
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