Nine months ago, my heart was filled with anxiety and panic. This unplanned miracle baby who was supposed to only come with IVF or a miracle from Jesus actually came on her own with God's plan and purpose in mind. She has already stretched me in so many ways. I physically have never been this uncomfortable, but I am learning to set limits for myself for the first time in life. I've learned to appreciate simple things like rolling over in bed, getting up out of a deep sofa, and being able to lift and work and play hard. I've learned to let people help me whether it be picking up a toy off the floor, getting a cup off the top shelf or just help in doing chores that I am used to doing. I have learned patience as 9 months goes by quite slow when you are waiting for a baby to come. I have learned that God's plan for things NEVER look like what I have planned but some how it all comes together.
Tonight after two hours of budgeting, Chris and I left the office both with smiles. Nine months of scrapping, saving, and planning and lots of praying, we were proudly able to meet our goals so that I can stay home with Kaylie for the first five months before returning to work in the fall. Not only did we meet our goals, but we found great comfort in knowing that we met it far more liberally than we thought without having to lose our home, kill our savings, go into debt or give up my dreams professionally. We left with hope that God is not only providing today, but he has continued to provide no matter how many set backs we have had lately.
The biggest source of my anxiety about having a baby was about losing everything we had been working for financially and professionally. As a couple, we prayed, asked others to pray, and have felt such a pressure to be diligent and good stewards with our resources. Unexpected blessings still cost money! As crazy as it sounds, I was less scared about midnight feedings and colic than I was about paying for groceries. I guess all of it is important, but something about fiscal safety is my sense of security.
So with a few days or weeks to go (who knows when the diva will arrive), Chris and I looked at each other and for the first time were able to say "I think we are ready". Nine months later and with only a few minutes to spare, I feel like God has brought it all together in his time, her time. Now, I am ready. I can't wait. Come on baby, let's get this show on the road. We can't wait to meet you and now we feel confident that we can provide a life for you. Now we feel ready. I am sure when the water breaks, it will be a whole other story, but tonight in this moment, we feel like it's all coming together.
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. -John 14:27
