Another Trip Around the Bend

In August of 2004, I was diagnosed with Adenomyosis at the age of 19.  At the time, I had heard from my OB/GYN that I might not be able to have children, that without medication I would continue to be in a lot of pain, and that it was a life-long disease without a cure.  Eight years later, I am married to a wonderful man.  My passion for children is still a driving force to being a play therapist, but mostly, a mother.  While Chris and I are not yet ready to have children at this exact moment, the Facebook photos of friends with children and each announcement of a birth is a gentle reminder that time is coming where I have to face my disease.  The same disease that haunted my grandmother for years, and the disease I gracefully try to ignore each day.


For eight years I have not had another laproscopy or exploratory surgery.  I have no idea what is going on in my body.  Part of it was my busy schedule, but most of it is the fear that my biggest dream to have a child may or may not be a possibility.  


The severity of this disease has increased since I have tried to prepare my body for child bearing years.  I've been on a diet for two months, only to lose a couple pounds.  I have severe pain where medication is not always working.  I have trouble with each bodily function during my cycle.  I have had some trying emotional days.  Sometimes it's the little things like not being able to fit in my jeans because my belly is so swollen.    There are days that I am so swollen that my pants physically hurt to wear.  Each day can be a battle.  There are days that I am worn out, emotional and overwhelmed.  While had a small and contained version of this while I had been on my medication the last eight years, I had no idea just how pervasive this disease was until I stopped treating it.  


Last Thursday was the first steps I have taken in a long time to acknowledge the reality of where my body is now.  I had my first doctor's appointment to address the issues head on since I was diagnosed.  I am no longer masking my disease with loads of hormones, and I truly do fear what will happen as the disease comes out of hibernation. This Thursday, my blood panels come back and I will find out how my hormone levels are and then what specialist I will go to.  I am finding myself overwhelmed with grief.  I have locked up my sadness and frustration about this since 2004, and now that I see these beautiful babies and think about my life, I get so worried, sad, and frustrated.


The hardest thing to do is trust that God has a plan, but I know He does.  It's that time in between that's the hardest.  Another journey around the mountain...  waiting for the sun to rise.  So this week, is a whole lot of that enduring patience and anxiety.  I am ready to know.  I am ready to be out of the darkness.  I am ready to work with what I have been given to some day build the family I dream of.  Over 65 years ago, my dad was born to my grandma who suffered from the same disease.  He gave an adopted 20 year old women the only blood relative she had ever known in her entire life.  And as I shared my pain to her she said with true empathy, "a child is a blessing even if it is a little orphan like I was".  In her story alone, I see the beauty of both birth and family through another means.

I know God has a plan for my family.  I don't quite yet know what it will look like, but I am trying to be open to whatever it might look like.  All I know is that I have been blessed.  I have so much love to give a child.  I have an amazing husband, an amazing home, an amazing family, and a very good God.  

Philippians 4:6

The Message (MSG)

 ^6-7Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.