The Gift of Mercy

Since 2004, I have taken a few different personality and gifts tests.  The Myer's Briggs, the RASIC, the MMPI, Love Languages, Spiritual Gifts, Life Keys, etc. etc. and I am pretty amazed how no matter who creates these things, I normally turn out just the same as I did the last time.  One of the ones that never changes for me is the "Gift of Mercy".  Since it is so pronounced, I figured I should explore this gift and what it truly means for my life.  

The dictionary describes "Mercy" as:

a : compassion or forbearance shown especially to an offender or to one subject to one's power; also : lenient or compassionate treatment <begged for mercy>

b : imprisonment rather than death imposed as penalty for first-degree murder

2

a : a blessing that is an act of divine favor or compassion

b : a fortunate circumstance <it was a mercy they found her before she froze>

3

: compassionate treatment of those in distress <works ofmercy among the poor>

— mercy adjective

— at the mercy of

: wholly in the power of : with no way to protect oneself against

I got to thinking about mercy and my job as a social worker at an inner city charter school.  My boss calls me the "ultimate nurturer".  Past principle called me "my kids lawyer".  The police officer calls me "their guardian angel".  The kids call me, "their friend".  Their parent's call me, "someone who goes out and actually does what they say they will do".  I just call myself "a therapist".  Then recently I started embracing my role as a "social worker".  But really what do I do?

Bogged down at my last staffing, I remember myself saying, am I really even doing anything?  At any given day I can walk into a classroom and the kid I spent the last 13 months working on one specific skill can look just as bad as the first day we started together... (or worse).  I have kids throwing furniture, punching themselves, kicking themselves, hurting others, plotting to assault people,  stealing, self-injuring, starving themselves, and wanting to die.  They cuss each other out, tell the teacher's to shut up, ignore commands to see the principle, throw food, throw themselves on the floor, and genuinely bully others.  

On any given day, I hear about murder, parents in jail, child abuse and molestation, hungry, poverty, and the list goes on.  I call myself the "sponge" because I feel like I just suck up all of the horrible messes leaking from little faces and their families.  I have thought of myself as "the hugging post" as I feel like I willingly (and often unwillingly give at least 100 hugs a day)... maybe twice that much depending on what class I walk in or which lunches I brave to walk through.

A lot of people say they don't know how I do this work.  Most days, I don't really know either.  I come home to a silent home, and I just recharge in it.  But each day, God graces me with that word: Mercy.  I don't know what else it could be that brings me back day after day.  The reality is, I could have avoided this work.  I could have stayed in a nice private practice setting.  Hell, I could have ran a preschool like I had originally planned.  I could have done any of a number of jobs. (Some days I crave working at Target stocking shelves and putting out samples of Archer Farms BBQ sauce). But I look back and some how I keep seeing a re-occurring gift of mercy that God gave me.  From the time as a kid I helped the child with down syndrome in my class.  The time I helped the old lady next to my grandma get her mail and have someone talk to for at least an hour each day I was over in the summer.  From being the sorority Chaplain and new pledge educator always willing to listen, pray for, or go pick up the girl whose boyfriend broke up with her at 2am across campus.  Some how, I just love to sit and talk about, listen to, and be with people who need someone to carry their burden for a minute.  Sometimes, I just like to sit with people who no one wants to sit with.  Sometimes, I just want to stop giving them suggestions, and answers, and "person-centered treatment plans".  Some of my favorite moments are when me and my silly little kids are singing "the pretty girl rock" or playing a silent game of Sponge Bob Memory.  My favorite memories with friends are mid night chat over Mad Mushroom Cheese sticks, times I led them to be prayed over after sharing their personal struggles with addiction or self-destruction.  I guess it doesn't matter where or when, but God just wired me this way.  

Each person is given a gift to serve the God of the Universe.  Mercy, Encouragement, Hospitality, Knowledge, Wisdom, Administration, Creative Communication, Teaching, Shepparding, etc. etc.  The more I serve, the more concrete my gift becomes apart of me.  I may not be perfect, but in my weakness God shows up with his gifts to care for others.  It is truly an honor to have, to share, to use, and to know how gifted He allows me to be.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 

¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

2 Corinthians 12: 9-10

Sounds like a life of Mercy will not be any easy one.  But I guess I realize that maybe my role is just to be merciful.  To listen, to care, to show compassion in a world with there is little of it.  And with God's gift, I know that's something I can do.  What can you do today with the gifts you've been given....

A Day of Victory

Today was one of those trying days that in recent history I would have turned to a piping hot bowl of mac and cheese or a half loaf of french bread.  It was one of those days at work where I get the "counter transference" of the hated mother, got to witness the hated mother/daughter interaction, and didn't get the production I wanted.  It took everything within me to not order a large cheeseburger and fries (and some bread sticks with cheese with a side of ranch).  It took more in me to not put on sweat pants when I got home and nap with the dog in bed with the curtains closed.  But I've been thinking about my "internal conversation" with myself lately.  A lot since this new year started.  If I am ever going to make it in my business, lose weight, or be the person I want to be, I know I need to make changes.  And since I am the only one I can change, I guess I will have to start doing some things differently. 

So after the initial shock of the afternoon wore off, I found myself not hearing my own words of encouragement but a montage of my mentors, supervisors, and best friends.  I heard today, "You can't work harder than your clients", "You can't want change for someone else", "Let go, Let God", and "Don't let one day, one person, or one experience define you".  I thought about lectures on counter transference.  I thought about those live supervision sessions where others talked about their clients.  I thought back to those little one liners that Pam used to say about clients and their parents.  And some how I rolled that up in my brain and took the dog on a bike ride.... ate a healthy dinner... and then ran the fastest two miles I have run in years. 

There is something magically powerful and holy about my heart's desire to experience God's love for humanity more and more each day.  While my world get's rocked in my work, God is constantly shaping me into more of the clinician that I want to be, but more so into the woman of God I want to be.  Today was a major victory.  Not only was I able to not take someone else's words and experiences with me personally, I was able to rise above my day and turn it into motivation for something good for myself.

Something about today made me want to fight harder for the life I have developed with Chris and my lovable fur ball.  And that's pretty cool because I read over my resolution and realized that by one idea, one goal planning session, I was able to overcome a battlefield that I have lost to in the past.  Today, I lost all of my "Christmas weight" and am on the road to losing even more back down to a "BMI appropriate weight", but today, I overcame the power of the negative words that once plagued me into over eating, withdrawal, depression and defeat. I cannot describe the high that gives me.  Now, I want to recreate this feeling day after day. 

Humanity is disappointing sometimes as a whole.  There is evil in the world and evil in people's hearts, but there is also good, holy, wonderfulness in the world.  And when you tune your heart to it, I think it prevails.  I guess I just never gave it a chance to change me.  I also indulged in self-pity and self-defeat.  I hope that God continues to use my weight loss and life style change as a witness that He is present in our world.  He is present in my life.  He is working when we want to work.  And the rest of the world is mere grains of sand compared to His goodness.  Hands in the air, spinning, smiling, and praising, it is a wonderful, graceful day despite the rain. 

Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, 

and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.  

-Psalm 23:6

The Power of My Words to Make Change

I have a love-hate relationship with New Year's Resolutions.  Some years, I am make them, and they jump start my brain back into the person I want to be.  Other years, I set these crazy and unrealistic life plans that leave me feeling like a failure after three weeks.  So this year, my hubby and I sat down in the living room over the mac fumbling over the last year and what we saw as strengths and weaknesses in our relationship, health, relationships with others, finances, etc.  We realized that maybe 2012 would be a great year to try and continue on good habits and restarts ones we had when we were single.  Here are my set of goals from our list:

2012 Lifestyle Goals

Spiritual

            Continue to be involved with weekly small group

            Complete all small group activities intentionally

Marriage

            Utilize small group for relationship building

            Date night 1 x per month

            See fertility doctor by March

Professional

            Develop a plan to get into private practice and start seeing clients before 06/12

            K- Complete license paperwork by 10/12

Diet

            Not eating past 8:30pm

            Not eating more than 1 serving of bread per day

            No white carbs

            1 vegetable serving every day

            1 fruit serving every day

            Stop using food rewards (use clothes, fun activities, bark park, etc)

            Red meat 1 x per week max

Exercise

            Work out 5 times per week min, 6 times max

            Complete Bob’s 6 week DVD series

            Not required to be together for workouts

            In order for a walk to count, it has to be at least 2 big loops

Financial

            Stick to budget we have set, no going over into next month’s spending

            Pay off furniture payment, use payments to go towards additional student loans

            Use Dave Ramsey’s envelope’s for purchases over $100

Lifestyle

            Limit to 1 TV show per night

            Walk Macy morning and night time

            Dine out 2 x per week max

            1 Nalgene of water/day

            Bed time is 10:30 on work nights

            Plan the next day’s schedule @ 10 PM

Rewards

            $25 per month if you achieve diet & exercise goals

            Monthly rewards can be “pushed” forward for a larger reward

As I got into it, I realized that most of these goals were more than feasible.  And as we listened to Joel Osteen (http://www.joelosteen.com/Broadcast/Pages/ThisWeeksMessage.aspx) talk about how we talk about ourselves, I realized that the only thing that has ever held me back is myself.  I am my biggest road block or my greatest vehicle for movement....  


Joel talked about how we talk about ourselves and the self-fulfilling prophecies we have for ourselves.  How many times do I call myself fat?  I say, if only I was ten pounds thinner or if only I didn't waste so much money on diet coke...   When I was about 12, I used to sit down in a chair and trace lines into my leg of where I wish there was not fat.  I obsess over my "muffin top" and my cottage cheese legs.  I sometimes let myself say, "oh well, at least I am married now" as if Chris has to love me just because we are married and not because I feel beautiful that day.   I have so many criticisms, but how can I possibly believe in myself if I am always putting myself down?

So resolution number one this year before the lifestyle goals is to believe in myself.  In my private practice workbook, I had to write what held me back from private practice and what I wrote was "the fear of failure" and my fear of failing comes out in each thing I say.  If I let my lips steer the ship of my life, I am going to end up fat, depressed, bored, unsuccessful, and without friends.  If I let God's truth about me pour from my lips, I will have hope, be sure of my good future, and be a blessing to myself and others.  God is going to use me for GREAT things this year.  And as I start to shape my life to a holistically healthy plan, I think the fruits of each of my labors will grow.  The counter to my fear of failure was a phrase I thought could challenge my fears with  which was, "I am in control of today" and I hope to use this phrase when my self doubt creeps in.  I am in control of each thing I eat, each dollar I spend, each minute I use.  I can do ALL things through Him who gives me strength.  I am going to say in the morning:  "I am God's creation, created in His image, and I am beautiful, strong, and healthy".  I am going to control temptation to eat solid sugars by saying, "I am in control of myself and my diet".  I am going to control my urge to procrastinate starting my business plans out of fear and say, "I am going to be successful in the business".  I am going to be in control and aware of my heart this year.  I think the rest of those goals will fall into place if I can just start believing in ME!

So here's to another year, another hope, a reset button in my brain to be more of the person who God wants me to be....