In a given day, I have added up I do about 8-10 feedings totaling 6-8 hours, and I pump for about 2 hours total a day. This means I still work full-time being a mom just in feeding alone. It is going faster as baby's throat/swallowing is getting better and so we are finally able to drink four ounces at a time, but we are still eating about every three hours. This week my business partner and I for my private practice are planning a big move to the Fishers/Castleton area for the summer and to renew our yearly partnership agreement. In thinking about returning to work at the school in August, being a mom with full-time activities of feeding, changing, and not sleeping, the thought of expanding a business is either going to be through God's blessing or the universe aligning in a miraculous way, so that I can work two jobs, be a mother and a wife, manage a home, and still do my hair and shower every day???
Tomorrow we brainstorm my long-term goal of moving over to private practice and the marketing campaign it will take to make that endeavor a reality. While my heart races with excitement, my body and brain is still struggling to make it through the day without OD'ing on caffeine. I want so badly for this practice to work, but I also know I have a secure job waiting for me when the school year starts. I want a job where I can be a mother for Kaylie, but also be true to my passions in the clinical field. I felt like God was calling me to have my own practice, but the timing of everything is coming down to the wire, and the safe decision is to just go back to my full-time job in community mental health. I am constantly praying, "do I play it safe with an easy 8-3 job or do I take a leap in a job where I have over double the earning potential in half the time, but I don't have clients yet??"
I have two hearts: one of service to the poor but the other to do work with clients who are driven to make life change through the art and skill of psychotherapuetic techniques, not just life skills. I want people to go deeper in therapy than proper routine, family rules, and a discipline technique. I want to talk about attachment, bonding, play therapy, family genograms, emotionally-focused couples work, Imago therapy, filial therapy.... the stuff I went to school for. I know what I love, but I also know God has blessed me with the skills to serve the poor communities in the city where kids often find therapy as their only emotional support.
Can I do both? Do I really have room for that much more? While I was pregnant, I had one private client a week and a full time job and I was fried. Now that she's here, I don't even shower and I'm not working either... How will I do all this? What will I do? What is God's plan for my life as a mother and therapist? Can I really fit all this in or will I have to give something up? Will I give up my dream or give up my security?
I am not sure what to do but I have until August to truly decide. Maybe there is a way to make it all work but I need one of those cute postcards from heaven that give me clear direction (you know what I am talking about... doesn't God send you direct and clear messages about the best choices to make??:) ) Yeah, I know. I think sometimes discernment is an art form that I have yet to master. So now starts a season of prayer in between learning how to be a mom, I will either make a dream come true or put it on a shelf. So much of it will be up to the big man upstairs, but I want to be open to whatever that looks like for my life.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Thursday, March 14, 2013
I am doing ok
As I sit in my over-sized PJ's watching Kaylie sleep on the couch next to me, I've been trying to figure out if I have been doing ok, trying to figure out if I got this mom business down yet. There are times she cries and I try the list of things and I am not sure if I got it. My house is still quite messy and I haven't put on make up in two days. Yesterday, I didn't even brush my teeth until Chris got home. After another night of three hours of sleep, an hour feed, and then three hours of sleep/wake intervals, I am tired, but feeling ok. The new normal... and I am getting better at it. I feel more confident most days. I cooked dinner yesterday and I haven't cried in two weeks. She's making milestones, eating better, and we have a routine (as much as a 6 week old baby can have a routine). We are planning things on the calendar from baby dedications, dad's knee surgery, and visits to family in Michigan and Chicago. I have my inventory of diapers, wipes, and formula. But like my usual self, I needed an extra pat on the back of assurance. I know it's just a dumb commercial, but my eyes welled up... It was what I needed, so I thought I would share it with my mommy friends:
Sunday, March 10, 2013
A Tiger-Striped Fanny Pack
While I was pregnant, I knew people kept saying, "Gosh, you're huge" or "oh my, when are you due?". When I would respond, they were usually shaking their heads because I had blown up so much. When my family and close friends saw me week after week, their eyes continued to grow with how large I was becoming. I felt large, too. My stomach felt like it was maxed out by month 6, but it continued to grow and grow. I remember feeling like my belly button was going to rip open. By the time Kaylie arrived on Feb 2nd (apparently 3 weeks early to their calculations), I did not know how I was going to get any bigger. I knew the recovery would be hard.
Five weeks after birth and my C-section, I am trying to get used to the new reality of my body. I saw these posts about calling them "tiger stripes" and it's helped accept what's going on. The scars that my daughter has given me have forever changed my body, forever changed who makes up "Kerrie". Kind of like her forever changing my life even though she's only been in it for less than a year. The dramatic change of my body truly reflects my heart, my journey into motherhood. Scars have a funny way of being reminders of things. A scar on my wrist from when Chris and I went to Target and a stubbornly wanted to get a box in the cart that was too heavy for me. A scar on my knee from falling off my bike at five and one of my forehead for itching off one of my chicken pox. I have a scar on my hand after surgery from a cyst from years of spraining my wrists from falling in soccer and a scar on my belly button from two surgeries for Endometriosis. I've never quite had so many scars all at one time, but my life has never changed so much as it has been lately....
Five weeks after birth and my C-section, I am trying to get used to the new reality of my body. I saw these posts about calling them "tiger stripes" and it's helped accept what's going on. The scars that my daughter has given me have forever changed my body, forever changed who makes up "Kerrie". Kind of like her forever changing my life even though she's only been in it for less than a year. The dramatic change of my body truly reflects my heart, my journey into motherhood. Scars have a funny way of being reminders of things. A scar on my wrist from when Chris and I went to Target and a stubbornly wanted to get a box in the cart that was too heavy for me. A scar on my knee from falling off my bike at five and one of my forehead for itching off one of my chicken pox. I have a scar on my hand after surgery from a cyst from years of spraining my wrists from falling in soccer and a scar on my belly button from two surgeries for Endometriosis. I've never quite had so many scars all at one time, but my life has never changed so much as it has been lately....
Now comes the on-going task of getting my body back a little bit. With a C-section, added to the stripeds comes this sewn-in fanny pack of left over skin. I feel like a Biggest Loser contestant where they weight dropped faster than the skin could catch up. At first it dramatically got smaller as the swelling went down, but the last week or two it has plateaued. I am trying to get geared up for the workouts and training to come when I am cleared in 12 days to workout again. Again, I am looking at a body change that I've never dealt with before. My weight loss journeys before have been for 10 pounds in college drinking or 10 pounds in grad school carb-loading.
I think the hardest thing for me is accepting I am moving on to a new phase. In body and in life, the changes of having a baby don't stop after they start. After having two full nights of sleep with the help of my in-laws, and I think my brain is finally working again, I am realizing and seeing now that all of this is real and really happening. The first month has been a bit of a blur. I've been so worried about feeding and her gaining weight, that I haven't really reflected about how much my life has truly changed. And while each day seems a little easier, and definitely each week seems easier and easier, it's crazy to think there is no going backward. Just like my body will always have these scars and likely always have some changes due to having a baby.
My mom always said, "you can't compare yourself to other people, Kerrie" and for now, I really need to remember that as I try to start losing weight and getting a figure back. I won't return to the pre-mommy figure and my hip and bust will be larger than before. I might drop the fanny pack, but I will probably have my tiger stripes. I won't be like my friends who haven't had kids yet, they haven't earned their stripes. I might even lose enough weight to look better than I did before like a few of my mommy friends have done, but I won't be who I was. My life has moved on to a new place, another stop in the journey of life. As I start to move forward, I have to recognize where I have been. Over 200 pounds the scale read just 5 weeks ago (Edema is a bitch....). And while I got my wedding rings back on Friday for the first time since the beginning of December, I have to get motivated for months of repairative body work. One this is clear to me: I can only go forward there is no going back. No matter how much Maderma and Palmers I slap on each day, she has changed me. But I am not ruined, I have earned my stripes...
Friday, March 8, 2013
What Day is it?
6pm on a Friday night. I am still in my pajamas from last night, pumping my breasts for the fourth time today, and thankful Chris and his parents are home to hold KK. It's the first time today for a prolonged period of time since 11pm last night that I don't have to hold the baby. Not that I don't love to hold her, but I am still getting used to not doing things on my time. I am still getting used to leaving things half done: vacuumed but left the vacuum out, half dishes done, laundry got through the washer but needs the dryer... My hair's a mess, my face is dry, and I have never looked more unattractive in my life. Tomorrow marks 5 weeks with Baby Squiggles, and I see clearly now why you get a paid maternity leave in most jobs. Having a baby has been so life changing and I never truly was able to imagine how different things would be. I used to have a schedule by the minute from 6:30am until 11pm, but now every move I make is dependent on her needs.
Today, I got the best delivery, a MOBY wrap. I say that in capitals because after I figured out the somewhat complicated tying of it, I was transported into another universe of motherhood. I had HANDS again... actually, I had ARMS again. My dear friend, Robyn, had no idea what I needed for KK as she lives in NY but she took a change and ordered this wrap. I heard they were good but I did little research. Between reading about breastfeeding, pumping, posterior tongue ties, and all the other stuff I've been reading about, I didn't think about this wrap. So when it came in the mail today (while I was in the midst of pumping the second time), I sat down and tried to read the instructions (luckily there are pictures too).
Never in my life have I been so willing to "just try anything if it works". I have always done things my way and by my understanding, and it has been so humbling to try so many things another way. This wrap was revolutionary to me. The baby instantly stopped crying and went limp in it. She was like "I'm home mommy" and fell asleep. Then, I vacuumed, cleaned the kitchen, dusted, and wrote thank you notes. It sounds silly and simple, but when you're home all alone for 9 hours a day with a newborn, having access to two hands at one time is a rarity.
All I know is that in the midst of the messiness that is now me, I have some amazing people in my life who think for me and help me when I feel like every hand, arm and brain cell is tied up with infant care. As I wrote a few thank you notes today, I realized just how lucky I am to have had so many women welcome me into motherhood with such support whether they are mothers or not. The wisdom of other women has been my informal "village to raise a child" and I am pretty sure that's why the phrase came about.
Today, I got the best delivery, a MOBY wrap. I say that in capitals because after I figured out the somewhat complicated tying of it, I was transported into another universe of motherhood. I had HANDS again... actually, I had ARMS again. My dear friend, Robyn, had no idea what I needed for KK as she lives in NY but she took a change and ordered this wrap. I heard they were good but I did little research. Between reading about breastfeeding, pumping, posterior tongue ties, and all the other stuff I've been reading about, I didn't think about this wrap. So when it came in the mail today (while I was in the midst of pumping the second time), I sat down and tried to read the instructions (luckily there are pictures too).
Never in my life have I been so willing to "just try anything if it works". I have always done things my way and by my understanding, and it has been so humbling to try so many things another way. This wrap was revolutionary to me. The baby instantly stopped crying and went limp in it. She was like "I'm home mommy" and fell asleep. Then, I vacuumed, cleaned the kitchen, dusted, and wrote thank you notes. It sounds silly and simple, but when you're home all alone for 9 hours a day with a newborn, having access to two hands at one time is a rarity.
All I know is that in the midst of the messiness that is now me, I have some amazing people in my life who think for me and help me when I feel like every hand, arm and brain cell is tied up with infant care. As I wrote a few thank you notes today, I realized just how lucky I am to have had so many women welcome me into motherhood with such support whether they are mothers or not. The wisdom of other women has been my informal "village to raise a child" and I am pretty sure that's why the phrase came about.
Being a mom is hard work, the hardest work I've ever done because it's not about me, my time, my goals, or my schedule. The pay out was after her nap next to me, she looks up and for about three seconds smiles a cute little smile before she cries for dinner and has a giant diaper filled with a half day's worth of ... well, you know. We are figuring this out, step by step, and day by day.. Well, I am almost done pumping... maybe I can get a shower in and put on clean clothes :)
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Heaven Sent and My Thank You's
Being a new mom, I think the last four weeks have been a series or trial and error. Everything I read in books, learned in classes, talked to the doctor about, and made a plan for sort of flew out the window starting with her due date and when I would work until. I don't think until you become pregnant, have a baby, and are knee deep into parenting that you really have any clue what you are in for. Even with lots of nannying, parenting classes, and a child development major from Purdue, I have never reached out to so many people for support, advice and resources. The really awesome part about it is that in the midst of this new and sometimes challenging time, God has provided so many people who have become like additional family to us while also making many of the relationships with much of our family stronger.
It started with the showers and all the people who showed up to shower a baby they haven't even seen with presents and gifts. Despite being three weeks early, when we came home day one we had everything we needed except a few packs of newborn diapers. Most people talk about how hard it is to provide for a baby, but with the support we had from our family and friends (and our parents friends), we managed to build a nest for this little lady that is far beyond what I thought we could provide. Since then, shopping has been for fun things like tu-tu's and tiny holiday wear or little luxuries like extra nursing tanks or more bottles to not wash as much. It has been such a blessing to realize that close to a hundred people in our lives have been part of getting our home ready for KK. Each blanket or outfit we use, I think, "Oh _____ gave her this" or "we got this from _____". It's been fun to see her try out each item and set up what will be where she continues to learn and grow.
Then as we got closer to the due date, I leaned heavily on the encouragement from my mom and people at work. Since I've been home, I really don't reach out to work, but while I was there, so many people were so encouraging. Telling me to go to the ER when my legs swelled and went purple, helping me make choices about working up until delivery day, and even just bringing me treats to say "I was thinking about you". It made the last few months bearable, and it felt good to realize that people do see past our work being a job and recognize the value of what really matters in life. I got to see bosses that always seemed "about the numbers" tell me not to worry about numbers and to take care of me in a genuine way. They complimented me and helped me to see how hard I do try. Even when she was born early causing a bit of chaos, they told me to care about the baby and have not even asked one questions about any of my clients.
Once my water broke, the whirlwind of my new life began. My parents answered within two telephone rings and were at the hospital shortly after I arrived. They drove from West Lafayette at 1:30 in the morning to be there for me. They have supported my choices from pain management, C-Section, breastfeeding, and recovery. They have supported me emotionally on the hard days when I felt like I wasn't doing things right. They have complimented my efforts and made me feel confident in being a parent. Many people say their parents cause stress when having a baby, but mine have been just the opposite. They stepped up by watching Macy for four days, carpet cleaning my bedroom, cleaning my house, spending two weeks cooking and doing laundry, and genuinely caring and providing for my new little family. As my mom drove home a week ago, I cried and worried I wouldn't be able to do it on my own. She gave me more encouragement and since continues to check in and make sure I feel strong and able each day. I see the love she has for her grand daughter each face-time chat and know that despite not being right here all the time, that she is rooting and cheering for me.
My husband has been an A+ Dad. He has sat up with me while I tried to breast feed at 3am providing conversation, support but not providing advice. He washes bottles until his hands cracked and continues to clean and do chores that I used to do. He comes home from work and takes baby and changes diapers, feeds her, and gives me time to do somethings for me. He has been generous with gifts (my love language) and allowed me to feel financially secure by working over time the last year. He has prayed for me, sought counsel for me, and continued to allow me to feel all those mixed bag of emotions that come during this time. He listens, is present with, and is gentle with me as I have needed a safe place to land some days. He is better than most dads and it's been so neat to see him so in love and obsessed with the baby. His service to me is a remind and a representation of his sacrificial and unconditional love in our marriage. It has made us a stronger couple. I feel a new love for him and even though we often run on little sleep and have pretty much staked out camp on the couch since I got pregnant, I feel like our lives have more joy than ever before. We are one of those lucky couples... soul mates... and feeling so blessed that God brought us together.
My in-laws have also been there coming down for a week with KK was born and showering her with gifts and us with food and love. They drive and set times to come down without thinking about the weather and genuinely just sit and enjoy her. Their whole side of the family have thrown showers, sent gifts, sent pizzas from Lou Malnatti's, offered baby sitting, and have even set dates to fly out to see her. We feel their love from miles away and know they would be over even more if they lived closer. It's amazing how even from four hours away, we are getting so much support and love on a regular basis. We look forward to all of the trips planned for the end of March, her future baby dedication, and Christmas.
While I always knew our family loves us and cared about us, I have been amazed by the number of people who have reached out to help us since KK was born. People from church who have offered motherly advice on feeding and brought over herbal medicine, oils, and resources. Our small group who baked breads, brought flowers, and have brought over meals. Friends from work who call and brought over meals. Girls from my sorority who sit and talk with me and listen. Friends from college and grad school who listen to what is going on and try to help with advice or support on feeding. Other mothers from high school and college who have been through what I am going through who sit on facebook chat at 11pm. Our neighbor who comes over and did a feeding OT eval and provided suggestions and support about how to help Kaylie feed better and what to talk to the doctor about. Friends who have offered to do our dishes, make meals, bring food over, and stop by to bring me some social interaction. Each day, someone or some people reach out to us and provide support some how. I never realized how much community could change your life. I have always felt like I could handle things on my own, and being humbled and in this place where I have needed help and so many have been there for us, I don't have the right words to say thank you, but I am truly thankful.
When I think about these people who love us so dearly and thoughtfully, I know that God has placed many different people in our lives and the lives of our family to help us raise Kaylie. Being a parent is so much more than what I thought of. It has emotional ups and downs which aren't bad, but are more intense than I ever imagined. As a new mom, I thought I would be able to do more than I am, have no problems with all I had read and learned, and never anticipated our perfect bundle of joy would need support as well. I have never felt more helpless, but supported. I have never felt more challenged but humbled. I have never felt more blessed and provided for. I realized that God places a family in your life for a reason. That family is not only your birth family, but your church family, and your life family who have been in parts of your life for a season, but return when it really matters most. I just wanted to say thank you for all that have been there for us. A month into being parents, I am no where near as self-sufficient as I thought I would be, but I am seeing how the kindness of those who love you carry you through. So thanks everyone! We TRULY appreciate it!
It started with the showers and all the people who showed up to shower a baby they haven't even seen with presents and gifts. Despite being three weeks early, when we came home day one we had everything we needed except a few packs of newborn diapers. Most people talk about how hard it is to provide for a baby, but with the support we had from our family and friends (and our parents friends), we managed to build a nest for this little lady that is far beyond what I thought we could provide. Since then, shopping has been for fun things like tu-tu's and tiny holiday wear or little luxuries like extra nursing tanks or more bottles to not wash as much. It has been such a blessing to realize that close to a hundred people in our lives have been part of getting our home ready for KK. Each blanket or outfit we use, I think, "Oh _____ gave her this" or "we got this from _____". It's been fun to see her try out each item and set up what will be where she continues to learn and grow.
Then as we got closer to the due date, I leaned heavily on the encouragement from my mom and people at work. Since I've been home, I really don't reach out to work, but while I was there, so many people were so encouraging. Telling me to go to the ER when my legs swelled and went purple, helping me make choices about working up until delivery day, and even just bringing me treats to say "I was thinking about you". It made the last few months bearable, and it felt good to realize that people do see past our work being a job and recognize the value of what really matters in life. I got to see bosses that always seemed "about the numbers" tell me not to worry about numbers and to take care of me in a genuine way. They complimented me and helped me to see how hard I do try. Even when she was born early causing a bit of chaos, they told me to care about the baby and have not even asked one questions about any of my clients.
Once my water broke, the whirlwind of my new life began. My parents answered within two telephone rings and were at the hospital shortly after I arrived. They drove from West Lafayette at 1:30 in the morning to be there for me. They have supported my choices from pain management, C-Section, breastfeeding, and recovery. They have supported me emotionally on the hard days when I felt like I wasn't doing things right. They have complimented my efforts and made me feel confident in being a parent. Many people say their parents cause stress when having a baby, but mine have been just the opposite. They stepped up by watching Macy for four days, carpet cleaning my bedroom, cleaning my house, spending two weeks cooking and doing laundry, and genuinely caring and providing for my new little family. As my mom drove home a week ago, I cried and worried I wouldn't be able to do it on my own. She gave me more encouragement and since continues to check in and make sure I feel strong and able each day. I see the love she has for her grand daughter each face-time chat and know that despite not being right here all the time, that she is rooting and cheering for me.
My husband has been an A+ Dad. He has sat up with me while I tried to breast feed at 3am providing conversation, support but not providing advice. He washes bottles until his hands cracked and continues to clean and do chores that I used to do. He comes home from work and takes baby and changes diapers, feeds her, and gives me time to do somethings for me. He has been generous with gifts (my love language) and allowed me to feel financially secure by working over time the last year. He has prayed for me, sought counsel for me, and continued to allow me to feel all those mixed bag of emotions that come during this time. He listens, is present with, and is gentle with me as I have needed a safe place to land some days. He is better than most dads and it's been so neat to see him so in love and obsessed with the baby. His service to me is a remind and a representation of his sacrificial and unconditional love in our marriage. It has made us a stronger couple. I feel a new love for him and even though we often run on little sleep and have pretty much staked out camp on the couch since I got pregnant, I feel like our lives have more joy than ever before. We are one of those lucky couples... soul mates... and feeling so blessed that God brought us together.
My in-laws have also been there coming down for a week with KK was born and showering her with gifts and us with food and love. They drive and set times to come down without thinking about the weather and genuinely just sit and enjoy her. Their whole side of the family have thrown showers, sent gifts, sent pizzas from Lou Malnatti's, offered baby sitting, and have even set dates to fly out to see her. We feel their love from miles away and know they would be over even more if they lived closer. It's amazing how even from four hours away, we are getting so much support and love on a regular basis. We look forward to all of the trips planned for the end of March, her future baby dedication, and Christmas.
While I always knew our family loves us and cared about us, I have been amazed by the number of people who have reached out to help us since KK was born. People from church who have offered motherly advice on feeding and brought over herbal medicine, oils, and resources. Our small group who baked breads, brought flowers, and have brought over meals. Friends from work who call and brought over meals. Girls from my sorority who sit and talk with me and listen. Friends from college and grad school who listen to what is going on and try to help with advice or support on feeding. Other mothers from high school and college who have been through what I am going through who sit on facebook chat at 11pm. Our neighbor who comes over and did a feeding OT eval and provided suggestions and support about how to help Kaylie feed better and what to talk to the doctor about. Friends who have offered to do our dishes, make meals, bring food over, and stop by to bring me some social interaction. Each day, someone or some people reach out to us and provide support some how. I never realized how much community could change your life. I have always felt like I could handle things on my own, and being humbled and in this place where I have needed help and so many have been there for us, I don't have the right words to say thank you, but I am truly thankful.
When I think about these people who love us so dearly and thoughtfully, I know that God has placed many different people in our lives and the lives of our family to help us raise Kaylie. Being a parent is so much more than what I thought of. It has emotional ups and downs which aren't bad, but are more intense than I ever imagined. As a new mom, I thought I would be able to do more than I am, have no problems with all I had read and learned, and never anticipated our perfect bundle of joy would need support as well. I have never felt more helpless, but supported. I have never felt more challenged but humbled. I have never felt more blessed and provided for. I realized that God places a family in your life for a reason. That family is not only your birth family, but your church family, and your life family who have been in parts of your life for a season, but return when it really matters most. I just wanted to say thank you for all that have been there for us. A month into being parents, I am no where near as self-sufficient as I thought I would be, but I am seeing how the kindness of those who love you carry you through. So thanks everyone! We TRULY appreciate it!
Monday, February 25, 2013
Coming to Terms with What I've Been Given
WARNING: This post is not for people who do not want to hear about my breast feeding issues. It is my way of reflecting and does contain conversation about breast feeding.
Kaylie is 23 days old and after my seventh face to face and probably dozenth conversation with a lactation consultant, I might have to give up my plan to breast feed.
I think with anything in motherhood you have a vision of what it will be like. I never thought mine would be so rocky. While the baby is healthy and I am recovering quickly, feeding the baby has been quite hard. For awhile, I blamed myself for maybe not feeding enough the first few days or sleeping a little too long in the hospital, but after another support group, I realized my story and my experiences weren't like the other mothers. All the common signs and symptoms of what is supposed to occur after birth, for me, were a far cry from what actually happened.
Three weeks in, I have now spent lots of time and money trying herbal medicine, different breast pumps, bottles for supplementing, foods to help produce, oils for fat cells, and tried to follow a strict plan of attack. But after my session today, I am realizing that my mommy story is far from everyone else's.
These first few weeks, the blissful idea of having my baby by my side has been mixed emotions. After long long feeds well over an hour, my baby still cried, unsatisfied but tired. I kept trying new feedings plans to the point where I was feeding her or pumping for an hour and a half and back on it in an hour and a half or less. All day, all night, day after day. Today, after another night of little sleep, I admitted, I don't know how much longer I can do this and not see any progress. The LC admitted that the window of time is running out for production but encouraged me to hang on a bit longer.
I know it's silly. Many babies are fed a number of ways. I just had the pretty picture of how it would be and since it hasn't been, I have struggled to let go and move on. But seeing her have her bottle and smile and coo at might afterward makes it worth it. I am not a failure, I didn't give up on myself or my baby, and I have tried very hard. Today in class I felt heard. It wasn't another recipe for some crazy potion that might help, just an honest ear that it's not working out but I have other options. I think I need permission sometimes to wave the white flag. I know plenty of babies who have been formula fed and turn out great, I guess I never loved anything so much that I cared about every last choice I made for it. I don't even care about what I eat until I had this baby.
I guess I just needed to vent today. Alone in the house, I needed to say my surrender and get my sense of peace about giving up. I am going to try one more week, in hopes that a miracle occurs but I barely make an ounce of milk, so I am pretty sure the book is closed. I assume there will be more of these moments... where I have to come to terms with what I have been given... but today, this is my moment. I have to stop being sad that it didn't work out the way I wanted, and happy that I have a happy and healthy baby who loves her "bubba" and digests it well. In the mean time, I will still snuggle her skin to skin and continue to develop that bond and attachment even if I don't have milk of my own to give.
Kaylie is 23 days old and after my seventh face to face and probably dozenth conversation with a lactation consultant, I might have to give up my plan to breast feed.
I think with anything in motherhood you have a vision of what it will be like. I never thought mine would be so rocky. While the baby is healthy and I am recovering quickly, feeding the baby has been quite hard. For awhile, I blamed myself for maybe not feeding enough the first few days or sleeping a little too long in the hospital, but after another support group, I realized my story and my experiences weren't like the other mothers. All the common signs and symptoms of what is supposed to occur after birth, for me, were a far cry from what actually happened.
Three weeks in, I have now spent lots of time and money trying herbal medicine, different breast pumps, bottles for supplementing, foods to help produce, oils for fat cells, and tried to follow a strict plan of attack. But after my session today, I am realizing that my mommy story is far from everyone else's.
These first few weeks, the blissful idea of having my baby by my side has been mixed emotions. After long long feeds well over an hour, my baby still cried, unsatisfied but tired. I kept trying new feedings plans to the point where I was feeding her or pumping for an hour and a half and back on it in an hour and a half or less. All day, all night, day after day. Today, after another night of little sleep, I admitted, I don't know how much longer I can do this and not see any progress. The LC admitted that the window of time is running out for production but encouraged me to hang on a bit longer.
I know it's silly. Many babies are fed a number of ways. I just had the pretty picture of how it would be and since it hasn't been, I have struggled to let go and move on. But seeing her have her bottle and smile and coo at might afterward makes it worth it. I am not a failure, I didn't give up on myself or my baby, and I have tried very hard. Today in class I felt heard. It wasn't another recipe for some crazy potion that might help, just an honest ear that it's not working out but I have other options. I think I need permission sometimes to wave the white flag. I know plenty of babies who have been formula fed and turn out great, I guess I never loved anything so much that I cared about every last choice I made for it. I don't even care about what I eat until I had this baby.
I guess I just needed to vent today. Alone in the house, I needed to say my surrender and get my sense of peace about giving up. I am going to try one more week, in hopes that a miracle occurs but I barely make an ounce of milk, so I am pretty sure the book is closed. I assume there will be more of these moments... where I have to come to terms with what I have been given... but today, this is my moment. I have to stop being sad that it didn't work out the way I wanted, and happy that I have a happy and healthy baby who loves her "bubba" and digests it well. In the mean time, I will still snuggle her skin to skin and continue to develop that bond and attachment even if I don't have milk of my own to give.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
My First Week into Motherhood
7 am on a Thursday morning. Dad, baby, and Macy all asleep on the couches. I have had my coffee, fed the baby, and watched the daily news report. This is my new normal. Two weeks ago, I was working and getting ready for maternity leave. With Kaylie coming early, I wasn't really able to take of anytime to nest or get ready except for on the weekends or evenings after work, so the shock of being home all day and not having a job to go to until August is refreshing, surreal, and often times so counter cultural to what my life has been like up until now. After a week and a half out of my C-Section, I am already walking around well, cooking, cleaning, and back to my usual busy self. It doesn't feel normal to just sit around and do little. But then there are these quiet moments I have never had before... No where to go, no responsibility until she wakes up, and a sense of simplicity I have never felt.
Most people say being a mother is the hardest job. Emotionally, it truly is. When I feel like I can't produce or do it right, it's painful and heart-breaking like I have never felt. Suddenly, my actions and behaviors directly impact another person just as much or more than they affect myself. But the sheer simplicity of this life these days compared to the hustle and bustle of my life as a working woman are so contrast I feel like I am in a different world. Holding the baby in my arms for hours at a time in a day, I have a sense of peace and serenity like I have never known. I don't care about the laundry all being done and put away or the fact our carpet needs to be vacuumed. Instead, I am overcome with love and warm fuzzies. I look at tiny toes for the fiftieth time and stroke her chubby cheeks, and it's really all I need to feel satisfied. I made this, I am caring for this, and I am, despite a few hiccups with her feeding, able to satisfy this little being. Seeing her peacefully drift off to sleep, I feel a sense of accomplishment like nothing I have ever felt working.
I always like my job when I could help a family change and get better and enjoying their kids more. Often times a simple change in routine or communication pattern would move mountains, but more often than not, my families were stuck in patterns of behavior I could not get them motivated to change. They would express dissatisfaction, agree with observations of the interactions, but time and time again would not make the necessary changes to evolve and grow. I was not in control of their success. I always said for that reason I often felt my career was God's way of teaching me I could not control everything and I had to trust Him.
Motherhood is different for me. For the first time, I can immediately satisfy a need. On an hourly basis, I can make hungry baby happy, sleepy baby drift to sleep, and dirty baby clean. It's simple despite not always being perfect. No generational poverty or systemic dysfunction. No dyadic thinking patterns or personality disorder due to complex trauma issues. Just a tiny little lady who has simple needs to fill. A blank slate that has yet to be covered with years of pain and loss. There is something so amazingly awesome about this job of being a mother I am enjoying that even the most difficult portions of parenting, like only sleeping in two hour increments, seem manageable because I know how much deeper and more broken and more difficult the world can be. Having the privilege of being home to care for her, I just feel blessed to put my work aside and suck in everything pure and simple about loving her.
It's been a week and a half since baby girl was born. I am changed. I am a new person. I feel my focus, priorities, and values are shifting solely due to an eight pound nugget of my flesh and bones. As I stare at her now, I see all that other stuff doesn't matter. The drama, the hustle and bustle, and the craziness of this world, they all fade to the background. While I can't always do everything right, I feel like what I can do is love her to the best of my ability. I get to choose what influences come into her life at this time. I get to set the mood for this home and the pace for our lives. Suddenly, I am not the coach on the sidelines, I am on the field and playing the game. I am changed because I truly did not know what it was like to walk in those shoes. And while I know I still helped people without being a parent, I feel like having this short experience has completely reframed my life. God is so good to me, and I can't help but see how His love for us is pure, simple, and true now that I am a parent. I could have never predicted just how simply peaceful and wonderful being a parent can be. I think I like my new job!
Most people say being a mother is the hardest job. Emotionally, it truly is. When I feel like I can't produce or do it right, it's painful and heart-breaking like I have never felt. Suddenly, my actions and behaviors directly impact another person just as much or more than they affect myself. But the sheer simplicity of this life these days compared to the hustle and bustle of my life as a working woman are so contrast I feel like I am in a different world. Holding the baby in my arms for hours at a time in a day, I have a sense of peace and serenity like I have never known. I don't care about the laundry all being done and put away or the fact our carpet needs to be vacuumed. Instead, I am overcome with love and warm fuzzies. I look at tiny toes for the fiftieth time and stroke her chubby cheeks, and it's really all I need to feel satisfied. I made this, I am caring for this, and I am, despite a few hiccups with her feeding, able to satisfy this little being. Seeing her peacefully drift off to sleep, I feel a sense of accomplishment like nothing I have ever felt working.
I always like my job when I could help a family change and get better and enjoying their kids more. Often times a simple change in routine or communication pattern would move mountains, but more often than not, my families were stuck in patterns of behavior I could not get them motivated to change. They would express dissatisfaction, agree with observations of the interactions, but time and time again would not make the necessary changes to evolve and grow. I was not in control of their success. I always said for that reason I often felt my career was God's way of teaching me I could not control everything and I had to trust Him.
Motherhood is different for me. For the first time, I can immediately satisfy a need. On an hourly basis, I can make hungry baby happy, sleepy baby drift to sleep, and dirty baby clean. It's simple despite not always being perfect. No generational poverty or systemic dysfunction. No dyadic thinking patterns or personality disorder due to complex trauma issues. Just a tiny little lady who has simple needs to fill. A blank slate that has yet to be covered with years of pain and loss. There is something so amazingly awesome about this job of being a mother I am enjoying that even the most difficult portions of parenting, like only sleeping in two hour increments, seem manageable because I know how much deeper and more broken and more difficult the world can be. Having the privilege of being home to care for her, I just feel blessed to put my work aside and suck in everything pure and simple about loving her.
It's been a week and a half since baby girl was born. I am changed. I am a new person. I feel my focus, priorities, and values are shifting solely due to an eight pound nugget of my flesh and bones. As I stare at her now, I see all that other stuff doesn't matter. The drama, the hustle and bustle, and the craziness of this world, they all fade to the background. While I can't always do everything right, I feel like what I can do is love her to the best of my ability. I get to choose what influences come into her life at this time. I get to set the mood for this home and the pace for our lives. Suddenly, I am not the coach on the sidelines, I am on the field and playing the game. I am changed because I truly did not know what it was like to walk in those shoes. And while I know I still helped people without being a parent, I feel like having this short experience has completely reframed my life. God is so good to me, and I can't help but see how His love for us is pure, simple, and true now that I am a parent. I could have never predicted just how simply peaceful and wonderful being a parent can be. I think I like my new job!
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