A Tiger-Striped Fanny Pack

While I was pregnant, I knew people kept saying, "Gosh, you're huge" or "oh my, when are you due?".  When I would respond, they were usually shaking their heads because I had blown up so much.  When my family and close friends saw me week after week, their eyes continued to grow with how large I was becoming.  I felt large, too.  My stomach felt like it was maxed out by month 6, but it continued to grow and grow.  I remember feeling like my belly button was going to rip open.  By the time Kaylie arrived on Feb 2nd (apparently 3 weeks early to their calculations), I did not know how I was going to get any bigger.  I knew the recovery would be hard.

Five weeks after birth and my C-section, I am trying to get used to the new reality of my body.  I saw these posts about calling them "tiger stripes" and it's helped accept what's going on.  The scars that my daughter has given me have forever changed my body, forever changed who makes up "Kerrie".  Kind of like her forever changing my life even though she's only been in it for less than a year.  The dramatic change of my body truly reflects  my heart, my journey into motherhood.  Scars have a funny way of being reminders of things.  A scar on my wrist from when Chris and I went to Target and a stubbornly wanted to get a box in the cart that was too heavy for me.  A scar on my knee from falling off my bike at five and one of my forehead for itching off one of my chicken pox.  I have a scar on my hand after surgery from a cyst from years of spraining my wrists from falling in soccer and a scar on my belly button from two surgeries for Endometriosis.  I've never quite had so many scars all at one time, but my life has never changed so much as it has been lately....

Now comes the on-going task of getting my body back a little bit.  With a C-section, added to the stripeds comes this sewn-in fanny pack of left over skin.  I feel like a Biggest Loser contestant where they weight dropped faster than the skin could catch up.  At first it dramatically got smaller as the swelling went down, but the last week or two it has plateaued.  I am trying to get geared up for the workouts and training to come when I am cleared in 12 days to workout again.  Again, I am looking at a body change that I've never dealt with before.  My weight loss journeys before have been for 10 pounds in college drinking or 10 pounds in grad school carb-loading.  

I think the hardest thing for me is accepting I am moving on to a new phase. In body and in life, the changes of having a baby don't stop after they start.  After having two full nights of sleep with the help of my in-laws, and I think my brain is finally working again, I am realizing and seeing now that all of this is real and really happening.  The first month has been a bit of a blur.  I've been so worried about feeding and her gaining weight, that I haven't really reflected about how much my life has truly changed.  And while each day seems a little easier, and definitely each week seems easier and easier, it's crazy to think there is no going backward.  Just like my body will always have these scars and likely always have some changes due to having a baby.  

My mom always said, "you can't compare yourself to other people, Kerrie" and for now, I really need to remember that as I try to start losing weight and getting a figure back.  I won't return to the pre-mommy figure and my hip and bust will be larger than before.  I might drop the fanny pack, but I will probably have my tiger stripes.  I won't be like my friends who haven't had kids yet, they haven't earned their stripes.  I might even lose enough weight to look better than I did before like a few of my mommy friends have done, but I won't be who I was.  My life has moved on to a new place, another stop in the journey of life.  As I start to move forward, I have to recognize where I have been.  Over 200 pounds the scale read just 5 weeks ago (Edema is a bitch....).  And while I got my wedding rings back on Friday for the first time since the beginning of December, I have to get motivated for months of repairative body work.   One this is clear to me: I can only go forward there is no going back.  No matter how much Maderma and Palmers I slap on each day, she has changed me.  But I am not ruined, I have earned my stripes...