Most people say being a mother is the hardest job. Emotionally, it truly is. When I feel like I can't produce or do it right, it's painful and heart-breaking like I have never felt. Suddenly, my actions and behaviors directly impact another person just as much or more than they affect myself. But the sheer simplicity of this life these days compared to the hustle and bustle of my life as a working woman are so contrast I feel like I am in a different world. Holding the baby in my arms for hours at a time in a day, I have a sense of peace and serenity like I have never known. I don't care about the laundry all being done and put away or the fact our carpet needs to be vacuumed. Instead, I am overcome with love and warm fuzzies. I look at tiny toes for the fiftieth time and stroke her chubby cheeks, and it's really all I need to feel satisfied. I made this, I am caring for this, and I am, despite a few hiccups with her feeding, able to satisfy this little being. Seeing her peacefully drift off to sleep, I feel a sense of accomplishment like nothing I have ever felt working.
I always like my job when I could help a family change and get better and enjoying their kids more. Often times a simple change in routine or communication pattern would move mountains, but more often than not, my families were stuck in patterns of behavior I could not get them motivated to change. They would express dissatisfaction, agree with observations of the interactions, but time and time again would not make the necessary changes to evolve and grow. I was not in control of their success. I always said for that reason I often felt my career was God's way of teaching me I could not control everything and I had to trust Him.
Motherhood is different for me. For the first time, I can immediately satisfy a need. On an hourly basis, I can make hungry baby happy, sleepy baby drift to sleep, and dirty baby clean. It's simple despite not always being perfect. No generational poverty or systemic dysfunction. No dyadic thinking patterns or personality disorder due to complex trauma issues. Just a tiny little lady who has simple needs to fill. A blank slate that has yet to be covered with years of pain and loss. There is something so amazingly awesome about this job of being a mother I am enjoying that even the most difficult portions of parenting, like only sleeping in two hour increments, seem manageable because I know how much deeper and more broken and more difficult the world can be. Having the privilege of being home to care for her, I just feel blessed to put my work aside and suck in everything pure and simple about loving her.
It's been a week and a half since baby girl was born. I am changed. I am a new person. I feel my focus, priorities, and values are shifting solely due to an eight pound nugget of my flesh and bones. As I stare at her now, I see all that other stuff doesn't matter. The drama, the hustle and bustle, and the craziness of this world, they all fade to the background. While I can't always do everything right, I feel like what I can do is love her to the best of my ability. I get to choose what influences come into her life at this time. I get to set the mood for this home and the pace for our lives. Suddenly, I am not the coach on the sidelines, I am on the field and playing the game. I am changed because I truly did not know what it was like to walk in those shoes. And while I know I still helped people without being a parent, I feel like having this short experience has completely reframed my life. God is so good to me, and I can't help but see how His love for us is pure, simple, and true now that I am a parent. I could have never predicted just how simply peaceful and wonderful being a parent can be. I think I like my new job!
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