Resiliency is an over-used counseling term for "people who have been through a lot of crap and are hardened in a sense to the world, so they are able to survive" (at least that is what I got out of counseling class). Resiliency in therapy means people can handle some pretty hard things, overcome, and rise above. Resiliency almost seems to be an internal need for survival rather than a choice. Resiliency is a mindless, unconscious process of dealing with things. I know many resilient people who have very little patience. It doesn't mean they aren't lovable, awesome people, but it's not a spiritual gift they have fine tuned.
I grew up with a Vietnam War Veteran. On the outside, the man had been through hell and back. His return from war was far from a welcome homecoming. He had killed people, watched people be killed, and had lived in survival for over a year. He had seen the atrocities of war. He survived. He dealt with the pain, and he selflessly gave his time and energy for the cause. He wasn't even bitter about how he was treated upon his return. He felt he had served his country. He seemed so accepting of the reality which is war. He approached his journey as "matter-of-fact", and didn't seem to express anger about all that he had seen and had to endure. That is my picture of resilience. Is my father patient? (My mother just burst out laughing as she read this).... All my life we referred to my father's patience as "an Irish temper" or "a short fuse". Ironically, going through life change doesn't create patience or tolerance, it simply allows you to take on more things, survive more, live more.
Likewise, I think patience does not come from being a parent. Patience is a choice. Back to my patio furniture epiphany. We bought this cute patio set from Wal-mart two years ago after our wedding. It's a faux wicker set with cute, bright orange pads. Well, some genius in Wal-Mart's Better Home and Garden design team failed to think of the concept of "wind" when he designed my patio furniture because even when there is a slight breeze these cute cushions have blown across the yard. Probably 100 times last summer I had to hike through the yard and reassemble my patio set. One time it even blew a few houses down... Needless to say, this year, I was on a mission to anchor these suckers down to the chairs. So I on a whim (as always with my random projects), decided I have some string that should work. I cut holes and I am tying them. All the sudden, these holes are taking a little longer than usual. My back tightens from hunching over longer than planned. I sigh. "Press on, Kerrie, make it work". A few minutes later the dark blue clouds in the west have made their way over to me. It starts to sprinkle. 20 minutes into tying seven stupid cushions to their appropriate chair, I feel my anxiety getting the best of me. Hunched over the chair as rain falls on my back I think, "I am not anymore patient than I was before I had a baby... I am just more resilient". See, now I am willing to stand in the rain and press on for the sake of getting this done during nap time. The benefit of a finished project outweighed my getting cold and wet in the rain...
I think like all spiritual gifts, patience for me is going to have to be a worked on behavior and conscious choice. I am still snappy (probably way more lately) with Chris. I hate to admit it, but that "crazy mom reaction" I have displayed on more than one occasion in the last two months. Sure, I have sat through lots of baby crying because I can't instantly make a bottle, and changing her diaper does cause me to have to lay her down and wipe her butt while she screams. Every day has it's challenges with a tiny person who doesn't understand she has to wear a seat belt, get her nose suctioned, and nails clipped. I have sat through ten minute baths with death-curdling screams and then tried to change a baby crying like their are being stabbed. Every mother does... But are we any more patient because of it? Unfortunately, I don't think so. We don't get to earn a badge of patience.
Unlike kindergarten and Girl Scouts, there is no sticker and no badge that says I have mastered being patient. Lets be honest... I still sort of suck at it. But I think knowing that, makes me want to work at it all the more. I don't have to embrace generational Irish temper/short fuses, I can keep working on me to be a patient mother. I don't want K telling her friends or future husband, "my dad was so patient, but my mother... whew..." So mommies, friends, family... sad news: You didn't earn your patience, but you can choose to exercise it every day!
Colossians 3:12-13 Put
on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts,
kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another
and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as
the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.
I like that the writing says, "put on then". It's a verb. A conscious action. I can choose to walk out the door without it, or I can stop and put it on. Like underwear, patience, needs to be the first thing I put on with the people I love. It should be looked at and kept clean. I should repent for my lashes of anger. I should get a clean slate by seeking reconciliation with those I hurt, even my child. One of the things I wished I had heard more growing up was, "I'm sorry for losing my temper with you". I understand my parents worked their butts off and my sister and I were giant pains in the butt. But I don't think our choice as individuals in the world ever constitute our decision not to use patience. God calls us to do it. It is sinful not to and we should seek repentance and reconciliation when we fail to use it, even with our 10 pound nuggets or those big burly men who married us "through sickness and health until death do us part". I have a lot of growing to do, but I am glad God gives us the grace and glad our families usually give us the grace and patience to let us fall and stumble and return to try again. I guess that's the important part, that I never give up trying to love better and more deeply without assuming I have it all together...
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