A Little for a Lot, a Lot for a Little

1.5 weeks into clean eating and exercising to burn off my "mommy weight", I stepped back on the scale.  Down two pounds.  No major celebration or deep depression, I  just lost two of about 30 pounds.  1/15th of my goal.  It is some progress, but not enough to jump for joy over.  Losing 2 pounds has not been easy.  I've been walking every day for at least 30-60 minutes at a power walk pace, staying strict on my clean diet, and hauling around baby, mulch, laundry baskets, and groceries.  It seems so much harder to lose this weight than it was to gain it.  I feel like with all we have been doing, I should be down at least 5-10 pounds by now.  It's like back on that mountain in Oahu when I thought we were at the top, only to round the corner and find another long and endless stretch of the hiking trail.  I look down and see I have made progress, but not what I was hoping for.

 

They say it take two weeks for one to change a habit.  I think it's going to take me years to rewrite my brain to accept this is "better" to eat clean without all the processed goodies I used to love.  Frozen pizzas, bagels, chicken nuggets, mac-n-cheese, pasta roni, and chicken patties were staples in our house.  Our menu plans were like random montages of processed, pre-made frozen entrees.  Now things are different.  I no longer am having specific cravings for sugary carbs, but I still miss them.  It seems like changing so much for so little change.  Like the mountain for this weight loss won't be like the ten pound freshman year blow off.  I remember coming home for summer break from Purdue wanting to lose 10 pounds and within a few weeks I would lose 15 doing the South Beach Diet (only to eat and drink it back on each semester), but it felt like it just fell off.  

Similarly, I am sure that's like how I would be walking up that hill in Oahu much slower this time.  I am getting older, yes, but am I getting so old that my recovery time is really that slow?   Is that what happens when you get old?  Ew...  Is this that slow road down to old people rigidity?  Where I only like my meat a certain way, have to eat dinner by 5 and only enjoy the music from "my day, not this jungle music the kids listen to these days?"  Am I getting old?  It feels like my bounce back, my willingness and ease of rolling with the punches is even more so impaired.  I was already not one for change, but I feel like make change is like grinding my teeth this time around.  I am really struggling some days for the motivation to work out.  Really struggling not to roll on down to McDonald's for lunch. 

So much work goes into making life change, especially when your habits are engrained.  But I have motivation.  As I watch K sleeping and recognize she's already growing and becoming more aware I am motivated to make those changes.  Maybe making these small changes will change how she remembers her childhood.  If we change our diet will it seem like a big deal if our child grows up healthy?   If we turn off the television and play with her instead of being TV zombies, will we really miss it if she ends up having a closer relationship with us?  And if we get active and stay active not just go on diet binges, will she develop a healthier relationship with food than we did?  Those things that feel big, will become small when standing and looking back.  

 

That journey won't feel so bad once it's over and I look back on it.  One step at a time, one day, one meal, one food craving, one lazy evening, I have to realize that if I am going to change my habits, it will sometimes feel like a little and sometimes feel like a lot.  But once I stand back and look at how far I will have come, I know it will all be worth it.  One pound, one step at a time.  There's a lot at stake as I stare at her from across the room...  She's pretty wonderful.  I want to give her the best of me that I can.  So I guess it's worth all the effort I got...