In a matter of days (3), my daughter will be nine months old. She is amazing. Full of life, crawling, standing, jibbering and jabbering. She is the light of my world. Nine months ago seems like a blink of an eye, yet, so much has happened since she changed my world one chilly February morning. My visions of motherhood are a bit tainted. After years of nannying, I forgot just how truly exhausting having a baby is, and how little doesn't get done simply because it's a choice between intentionally playing and loving on this little bundle you've created or ignoring them so you can some what do something for yourself. I will admit. I still have moments where I go to the bathroom, get the mail, put groceries away and cook a meal or work on paperwork of some kind, but outside of the essentials to life, I have struggled to find time.
That brings me to today's post. When Nine Months On Isn't Nine Months Off. Fifty pounds ago, I was pregnant. An eight pound baby came out, but the rest of that weight was simple me eating anything and everything under the sun. I wasn't one of those fit pregnant people. My idea of a work out was actually getting out for work, walking the dog a half a mile, or attending a yoga class for 30 minutes. I usually slept 14 hours a day and ate anything I could find. I gained about 54 pounds give or take a few since I have since bought a scale and realized my old one weighed a little light.
A friend of mine, early in the weight loss program post natal said, "nine months on and nine months off". I said, I hope it doesn't take THAT long. I worked hard. I did weight watchers for three months, clean eating, and calorie reducing. I have had times I was walking 45-60 minutes daily and times I was doing Jillian Michaels Shred DVD's. But here I am stuck a good 10 pounds above pre-baby weight today as after my grandma passed away I gained back a few pounds.
It's hard to see and accept that what if my body does hold this weight until I am done having kids. What if, I never really truly find the time for myself. What if I just keep making excuses? I could easily run for 20 minutes a day during nap time and finish paperwork later. I could easily even just stay consistent with my daily walks, but I am so good at finding 1000 other things to do besides working out, and I am a huge sucker for a greasy cheeseburger with fries, an ice cream cone, and a whole lot of carbs. I am not nearly as bad as I once was. My cabinets looks vastly different and our eating habits have greatly improved.... But, I am still not where I want to be.
Usually in these moments, I recommit. I get an even more intense plan and try harder. But today, I just feel like surrendering. It's been a really challenging year. Had a baby, quit my job, started a new business, got licensed, lost my grandmother, had to learn how to surrender to not parenting the way I planned. Everything in my life is harder than I plan on it being. Grad school, getting my MFT license, having a house, and definitely being a parent. I even have a pretty easy baby and I am still overwhelmed a lot of the time. I have done a lot. I have still maintained friendships including my marriage. I have still been there for my family and friends. I have still kept a nice house and yard. I still am on top of my finances, my business paperwork, and I am still able to keep my promises most of the time.
These last nine months, I have grown into being a mother. I still have so much more learning to do. I have poured myself into my daughter, my business, and keeping up with everything else in my life, it's no wonder I am still holding on to my comfort foods from time to time. It's no wonder I haven't lost 60 pounds in 9 months. I guess I am just going to have to surrender to the fact that I can't be it all, do it all, and lose it all. Maybe if the circumstances were different. Maybe all moms just aren't alike. Either way, I am struggling to accept it, but I am trying to realize sometimes it just doesn't work out for you no matter how hard you try. But I will just keep trying. Just keep eating healthy and being active. One day it will all work itself out.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Monday, October 28, 2013
Continuing to Find the Meaning of Life
2013 continued to be a year of highs and lows. My grandmother passed away Thursday, October 24th sometime in the night. She is one of six people I have attended their funeral. One of three direct relatives to die in my lifetime. I'd like to say that I am comfortable with death since I am a therapist and have talked about loved ones dying and how to transition, but I suck at it. This death was particularly odd for me. More feelings of happiness for my grandma, but obviously sadness for the change and transition. As I was reading her eulogy, my lack of emotion came to a head and I was overwhelmed with grief. My grandmother was a widow for almost 20 years. Her life was hard. I couldn't even write about all she came through because she was a pretty private person. She didn't say much and she certainly didn't tell my mother what she went through. After the funeral, I heard more stories about things I had wondered about but didn't know.
I'm now left back in my "usual life" with a lot of information, feelings, and ideas that I am slowly tying into who I am and who I want to be. I spent years trying to get to know my family, and found that there are so many deep and dark secrets on both sides for generations. We all have our junk. But seeing how that junk impacts other people in the family tree was particularly alarming. How I love or fail to love has huge implications for how my child loves and how she loves her children. That impacts down the line and down the line.
I learned that as terrible as my grandmothers life was, she chose to break the cycle on many of those issues and unfortunately she internalized that pain. I saw the effects of that internalizing, but never really understood the cause. I work with trauma victims all the time and Grandma screamed "trauma" to me, but I never really put it all together. The Great Depression, the domestic violence, the drinking, the racism, then poverty and death. 87 years to come from that back to a life where everyone has died and you can't take care of yourself.
We don't like to think about death or what it really means. We like to think of life and this opportunity to do such great things, but in the last week, I feel like I have seen peace in death. That when God takes you home, sometimes that's the most peaceful part of all. This world is full of brokenness and pain. It's full of loneliness. It's full of hurt and disappointment. As great as this world can feel it's only a glimmer of heaven. It's only a sand grain of God's goodness. That's the hope that I have. And my job, well, it makes me feel much better and much more joy to continue to serve people in the mess. If I can't help ease the pain and help transition people through the fight, then I suppose that's a honor. I wish Grandma would have had more support than she did.
When someone reads my eulogy, I want them to be happy for me, but sad at the same time. I want to have a list of such good memories but reality that life is more than a series of paychecks, a series of vacations or purchases. Life is little moments and memories with your family and friends. It's about finding joy even in hard times. It's about perception, and I guess if my grandmother did one thing really well was that she focused on people and relationships. Her one desire was to maintain and grow friendships. She loved to talk on the phone, she loved to visit or go out to eat with people. She loved to golf, play cards, bowl, and be social. She was a home maker after she had kids, and I never really heard her say she wished she had more money or more professional development.
I guess I am finishing this a little farther along... I am realizing how blessed I have already been in my life, and I just want to stay intentional about the truly important things. I just want to remind myself what really matters. I don't think I will get to the end of my life and say, "I could have made more money" or "you know I could have gotten my doctorate if I really wanted to". Some days will simply be laundry, cooking, cleaning and taking care of dirty diapers. But my attitude, my heart, and my joy is what will be remembered by my child. Thank you Grandma for enduring with a smile. I think you have always been a go-getter and a busy little lady up until the end. I am remembering those Christmas card photos of you and grandpa in your Florida paradise. I bet you're there now... in your cute top, next to him, in that warm sunshine smiling from ear to ear. You're home now. You're safe. You're loved....
I'm now left back in my "usual life" with a lot of information, feelings, and ideas that I am slowly tying into who I am and who I want to be. I spent years trying to get to know my family, and found that there are so many deep and dark secrets on both sides for generations. We all have our junk. But seeing how that junk impacts other people in the family tree was particularly alarming. How I love or fail to love has huge implications for how my child loves and how she loves her children. That impacts down the line and down the line.
I learned that as terrible as my grandmothers life was, she chose to break the cycle on many of those issues and unfortunately she internalized that pain. I saw the effects of that internalizing, but never really understood the cause. I work with trauma victims all the time and Grandma screamed "trauma" to me, but I never really put it all together. The Great Depression, the domestic violence, the drinking, the racism, then poverty and death. 87 years to come from that back to a life where everyone has died and you can't take care of yourself.
We don't like to think about death or what it really means. We like to think of life and this opportunity to do such great things, but in the last week, I feel like I have seen peace in death. That when God takes you home, sometimes that's the most peaceful part of all. This world is full of brokenness and pain. It's full of loneliness. It's full of hurt and disappointment. As great as this world can feel it's only a glimmer of heaven. It's only a sand grain of God's goodness. That's the hope that I have. And my job, well, it makes me feel much better and much more joy to continue to serve people in the mess. If I can't help ease the pain and help transition people through the fight, then I suppose that's a honor. I wish Grandma would have had more support than she did.
When someone reads my eulogy, I want them to be happy for me, but sad at the same time. I want to have a list of such good memories but reality that life is more than a series of paychecks, a series of vacations or purchases. Life is little moments and memories with your family and friends. It's about finding joy even in hard times. It's about perception, and I guess if my grandmother did one thing really well was that she focused on people and relationships. Her one desire was to maintain and grow friendships. She loved to talk on the phone, she loved to visit or go out to eat with people. She loved to golf, play cards, bowl, and be social. She was a home maker after she had kids, and I never really heard her say she wished she had more money or more professional development.
I guess I am finishing this a little farther along... I am realizing how blessed I have already been in my life, and I just want to stay intentional about the truly important things. I just want to remind myself what really matters. I don't think I will get to the end of my life and say, "I could have made more money" or "you know I could have gotten my doctorate if I really wanted to". Some days will simply be laundry, cooking, cleaning and taking care of dirty diapers. But my attitude, my heart, and my joy is what will be remembered by my child. Thank you Grandma for enduring with a smile. I think you have always been a go-getter and a busy little lady up until the end. I am remembering those Christmas card photos of you and grandpa in your Florida paradise. I bet you're there now... in your cute top, next to him, in that warm sunshine smiling from ear to ear. You're home now. You're safe. You're loved....
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Putting my Blinders On
I feel like 2013 has been a year of peaks. Excitement and joy followed by periods of anxiety and confusion. I've gone from being a full time therapist in community mental health newly married and financially secure, to a mother, part-time therapist, business owner and living what feels like week to week based on my practice. It's a bit of a tight rope walk most days. Trying to balance the weight of everything, and praying each step that I don't fall over or lose sight of the goal.
When I worked in the school, the kids who had trouble concentrating use to tell me that it felt like every time they tried to do work, it felt like all the other stuff in the room got in the way. I used to tell these poor children living in the worst zip code in Indy about how the horses downtown who pulled the carriages had the same problem. I told them about things called "blinders" that horses wear to help them. They had seen the horses and were impressed they were able to walk with the cars. They had an idea of the kind of stress it would be like to need to be brave, walk forward, and push on despite loud and confusing distractions. They listened to the story about blinders and how they helped the horses do their job, and then we would create blinders with their hands so they got the concept.
I feel like lately, I could use some life skills in creating my own blinders. My mind is scattered with a mixture of things to do, things I see could be done, and then reminders of things I started but forgot to do. Transition and anxiety for me are like ADHD but on a part time basis. I could benefit from a stimulant medication these days. I could benefit from someone sitting down with me and forcing me to prioritize my tasks. I could use a maid, a chef, a secretary, and a nanny. I would have a full days work for each of them so that I could just love KK and do therapy. But I am just one horse... one horse with a full load to carry.
I am really good at organizing myself, but lately I am just overwhelmed. It's been about one month since I down sized just to private practice, and I find I am still letting the noise get to me. It's certainly gotten better. I can fall asleep without racing thoughts. I can keep up with most of the housework, and all my progress notes are still done each week, but I forgot to listen to my body. I forget to pee, eat, and rest when I need to. Yesterday, I heated up a cup of soup in the microwave. Between putting away dishes, feeding the baby, and cleaning the counter tops, I forgot I had made it. I had open and shut the microwave after it cooked so I could finish loading waters into the fridge, and then I totally spaced I had cooked it. So about thirty minutes goes by and my stomach growls. I thought, why am I still hungry, I just ate...... ..... ..... ..... I don't remember eating anything... I remember cooking, but not eating... (I looking in the microwave). Oh...
I realize I am busy doing all of the outside things of this world, and still forgetting to focus on me. So I don't eat, but then mindlessly binge later. I don't rest throughout the day, so I crash at night. I don't manage my anxiety, so I snap at my hubby later in the day. By 10pm, I am physically sore, mentally shot, and emotionally shut down. I am overwhelming myself because I can't find a way to shut out the noise and senseless extra crap that doesn't matter.
In Proverbs 4:25, the writer says, "Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you." The whole chapter is about wisdom and how we become wise and closer to God when we lose sight of all of the other unnecessary junk. We gain peace and understanding when we look only towards God. But how the heck do you do that? How do I remain a productive member of society, a mindful parent, and a loving wife who selflessly seeks to love and provide for my husband? How do I be in this world, but not of it? How do I have a clean and loving home and still fix my eyes on Jesus?
When I worked in the school, the kids who had trouble concentrating use to tell me that it felt like every time they tried to do work, it felt like all the other stuff in the room got in the way. I used to tell these poor children living in the worst zip code in Indy about how the horses downtown who pulled the carriages had the same problem. I told them about things called "blinders" that horses wear to help them. They had seen the horses and were impressed they were able to walk with the cars. They had an idea of the kind of stress it would be like to need to be brave, walk forward, and push on despite loud and confusing distractions. They listened to the story about blinders and how they helped the horses do their job, and then we would create blinders with their hands so they got the concept.
I feel like lately, I could use some life skills in creating my own blinders. My mind is scattered with a mixture of things to do, things I see could be done, and then reminders of things I started but forgot to do. Transition and anxiety for me are like ADHD but on a part time basis. I could benefit from a stimulant medication these days. I could benefit from someone sitting down with me and forcing me to prioritize my tasks. I could use a maid, a chef, a secretary, and a nanny. I would have a full days work for each of them so that I could just love KK and do therapy. But I am just one horse... one horse with a full load to carry.
I am really good at organizing myself, but lately I am just overwhelmed. It's been about one month since I down sized just to private practice, and I find I am still letting the noise get to me. It's certainly gotten better. I can fall asleep without racing thoughts. I can keep up with most of the housework, and all my progress notes are still done each week, but I forgot to listen to my body. I forget to pee, eat, and rest when I need to. Yesterday, I heated up a cup of soup in the microwave. Between putting away dishes, feeding the baby, and cleaning the counter tops, I forgot I had made it. I had open and shut the microwave after it cooked so I could finish loading waters into the fridge, and then I totally spaced I had cooked it. So about thirty minutes goes by and my stomach growls. I thought, why am I still hungry, I just ate...... ..... ..... ..... I don't remember eating anything... I remember cooking, but not eating... (I looking in the microwave). Oh...
I realize I am busy doing all of the outside things of this world, and still forgetting to focus on me. So I don't eat, but then mindlessly binge later. I don't rest throughout the day, so I crash at night. I don't manage my anxiety, so I snap at my hubby later in the day. By 10pm, I am physically sore, mentally shot, and emotionally shut down. I am overwhelming myself because I can't find a way to shut out the noise and senseless extra crap that doesn't matter.
In Proverbs 4:25, the writer says, "Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you." The whole chapter is about wisdom and how we become wise and closer to God when we lose sight of all of the other unnecessary junk. We gain peace and understanding when we look only towards God. But how the heck do you do that? How do I remain a productive member of society, a mindful parent, and a loving wife who selflessly seeks to love and provide for my husband? How do I be in this world, but not of it? How do I have a clean and loving home and still fix my eyes on Jesus?
I am coming to a point in my life where I am starting, just starting to, accept life is never pretty. The farther I get from my own blissful ignorance of childhood, the messier this world gets. I have moments of pure joy and clarity but they are in the context of a broken world. There are no blinders to being an adult. No reality filter which only gives you the good stuff. We aren't designed to function that way. But we have to "refocus" our eyes regularly so that we don't get sucked up by the overwhelming brokenness that surrounds us. We have to pick our eyes up to God and look at things from a bigger, broader perspective than the one we get here on the ground.
I am learning in my life that I have to create divine appointments with God. The pace of this world is so fast. The days speed by like drops of water out of a bucket. So many moments are moving by, and here I am. I can get lost in it, freeze and panic in anxiety, or I can make my own blinders with my mind and keep walking towards the goal. I have to fix my eyes on taking care of things in priority and start being ok with the things left undone. While it's not easy, it's the only thing I think that will break the chains of chaos in my mind. It's the only thing that will allow me to be mom, therapist, wife, homeowner. It's that re-centering process that I need to do, but usually forget doing... I need blinders, too. There's so much to see and do, and I can't see and do it all. I have to be purposeful, mindful, and conscious of my time. It is after all my greatest gift...
Monday, September 23, 2013
A Moment of Silence...
One thing that has surprised me most about working part-time at my private office versus full time is that I still have so much work to do. I still have about 10 pounds of baby weight I'm trying to lose, still have over flowing trash cans, 6 loads of laundry, dishes, claims to file, progress notes to write, etc etc etc. Every Monday, I title my day, reclaim your life day. Baby is usually wiped from the weekend and sleeps in and takes longer naps. So we usually stay at home and play catch up. Yes, I will admit, I have had a couple afternoon naps, a couple for lunches out with friends, many walks, and have seen Dr Phil most days, but other than that, I am on the go from wake until sleep.
After a weekend away, the work load is usually twice a big. Despite coming home in the middle of the night Saturday and cleaning and mowing for hours yesterday, I still feel buried. I got this little reminder on facebook though, that being a good parents starts with taking care of yourself. Having time where I re-center with the Lord and realize the bigger picture. So here I am as little one is still sleeping in (she stayed up until 11pm).
Surely, this time with my coffee and blog is my time. I won't usually get many quiet moments where the dog is sleeping in the yard and the baby is silent and not in danger of hurting herself. This is like my moments at work in the morning when I would sit with my coffee, check my email, and just breath in the moments before a long work day. While there is always going to be work to get done, I have to remember that each day, I have to reclaim control of the anxiety that comes with being overwhelmed and remember the bigger picture.
I have to remind myself that God provides, God restores, God heals, God hears prayers, God listens, God is present, God knows my heart, and God has a purpose for my life.
It will be any time now that feeding, cuddling, playing, and trying to do all of the rest of the stuff begins. I could have started working on it in the last few minutes, but then would I remember what's really important? Whose really in control? I need to get better at having these moments... better of taking care of myself as a whole.
After a weekend away, the work load is usually twice a big. Despite coming home in the middle of the night Saturday and cleaning and mowing for hours yesterday, I still feel buried. I got this little reminder on facebook though, that being a good parents starts with taking care of yourself. Having time where I re-center with the Lord and realize the bigger picture. So here I am as little one is still sleeping in (she stayed up until 11pm).
Surely, this time with my coffee and blog is my time. I won't usually get many quiet moments where the dog is sleeping in the yard and the baby is silent and not in danger of hurting herself. This is like my moments at work in the morning when I would sit with my coffee, check my email, and just breath in the moments before a long work day. While there is always going to be work to get done, I have to remember that each day, I have to reclaim control of the anxiety that comes with being overwhelmed and remember the bigger picture.
I have to remind myself that God provides, God restores, God heals, God hears prayers, God listens, God is present, God knows my heart, and God has a purpose for my life.
It will be any time now that feeding, cuddling, playing, and trying to do all of the rest of the stuff begins. I could have started working on it in the last few minutes, but then would I remember what's really important? Whose really in control? I need to get better at having these moments... better of taking care of myself as a whole.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Life Review
When I was in high school, I hung out with guys more than girls, I wore sweat pants almost daily, and my make up consisted of eye liner, mascara and bronzer. I played soccer, worked a few nanny jobs, apparently borderlined on bullying the guys I hung out with, and clearly had no connection to what girls were into. I realized last night that up until college, when I joined Phi Mu, that I had no idea how to dress, how to "chit chat", and how to present myself. I have come a long way! I realized what a gift being a sorority woman was. I think I never realized how insecure I was in high school. I never felt like I fit in with the "cool girls", who now I realize are just women like me... married, some with kids, with professions who take care of themselves. None of us are better than the other. Some had husbands there, and some were still single. My husband and I had a blast. He was taking shots with random people and chatting up with other people. I was mingling from person to person. In each conversation, I realized I am so blessed to have him. He is my best friend... best guy friend.. and maybe I don't have a "best girl friend" because I never really got "girl dynamics". Despite living in Phi Mu and learning the essentials of my gender role expectations in a professional world, I am still far from excited to deal with drama and catty back stabbing girl stuff. I always felt like a nerd because even within my pledge class, I just wanted to be friends with everyone. When drama got deep, I found myself backing away. I am direct about my feelings and often find girls back away from me because I "hurt their feelings" or "am just too honest". I don't dance around issues and I would rather tell you to your face than tell everyone in our circle. I didn't realize that about myself until I found myself being known as one who always did hang out with the guys more. At Purdue, I found just as much joy hanging with my frat boy friends as I did my sorority sisters. Maybe, I haven't changed a ton, maybe I just never really realized that part of who I am is just not that "girly girl" I sometimes want to be in my mind.
I also found that the joy of my life is here at home. I loved beeming with pride over baby girl. I loved sharing about our marriage and the joy we had with our unexpected miracle. I realized dreams like traveling to Ireland and around the globe that are still on my heart. But overall, I realized I am most proud that I am working a job that I love... So many people said their jobs were horrible or not what they were passionate about. I realized that while I am "part time" at my private practice, I was confidently explaining my life and my business in a way that exerting comfort and confidence. I didn't realize how happy and goal accomplished my life was.
I am so far from that girl, that I think I got energized by who I've become. I don't see popular or not popular anymore. I don't see cheerleader or smart kid anymore. I don't see jock or theater kid. I just see people. Our life stories have helped and hindered our journeys. We all are looking for basic things: love, purpose, acceptance, and peace. We all crave to be "who were were born to be". I am glad I went to the reunion. I want people to realize I am not who I was. I am a constantly growing and changing person. I think we all changed. We all grew up. We all are on our own journeys for the sun to rise. I think it was good to stop a third of the way up the mountain and see where I came from. I feel bad about how I took out my bad feelings on others. I feel bad I was so insecure. I feel bad I did not love myself enough to just hang out with people and be comfortable in my own skin. But I think we can all say that to some extent. I guess that's just part of life, learning to accept who you are but always pushing to be more of who you want to be.
In ten more years, I'll probably have another kid or two (I hope). I hope my business is still going strong. I hope my marriage is still as joyful as it is today. I bet more people will find a career they enjoy, a partner to share life with, and I am sure some will experience heartache and pain. But I look forward to going back some day. I want to be more self-aware and realize, I am not who I was but I can always get closer to who I want to be. By our 20 year reunion, I want to be more physically fit and self-disciplined. I want to be better at loving my husband. I want to be a better friend. I want to continue to become better at loving other people well.
So here I am... at my life review. So far, I'd say were are doing well. Guess I can take on today and tomorrow with a sense of pride that I didn't become defeated by who I thought I was... I kept pushing and trying to be who God saw me as. It's made a huge difference. I am just grateful for relationships, all of them throughout my life. They make things real, shape your soul, and help you move forward on the journey.
Friday, September 6, 2013
Home
I'm back in my yoga pants today. The staples of my maternity leave from the 8am feeding watching the TODAY show to my blog time during nap time, is allowing me to come back to center. The back door is open bringing in fresh air and sunshine. I'm in the office with a snoring husky and baby is down for a nap. The house just got picked up and I have my "to do" list for the recovery after working two jobs for the last month. I've got progress notes, claims to bill, laundry, vacuuming, etc etc but I am just pausing and breathing for a moment today. I did clean out the pantry (probably my most soothing OCD activity), and I cleaned some dishes, but today I just wanted to breathe. Those deep cleansing yoga breaths that remind you to "re-center". I used to think they were lame, but something about inhaling deeply unlike my anxious and stressed out short breaths, makes my body feel taller, leaner, more like the me I want to be. Being at home is my recovery from stress. Being home is where I feel I am meant to be after weeks of being slammed into the world.
Something about being home, no matter the stress level, helps me to recenter. I call our neighborhood "my retreat" because as soon as you enter back into the woods, you just feel like you're headed away to a resort in the forest. I love being home... the sun, the big tree out front, my super awesome neighbors, the people I love, and the things that make up me. I could do nothing all day here for days and days and I just feel more and more comfortable. I know life isn't about just being comfortable, but I think there are moments in our life when we need a sanctuary. We need a place to get back right with ourselves, the Lord, and our priorities. Sometime I feel like I need to hit my own psychological reset button and get whole again.
The last month has been hard. I've been short, snappy, tired, irritable, and probably a bad friend and wife. I never will know why I thought I could work two jobs that are both very emotionally taxing. I will never know why I thought I'd be able to survive being away from baby 10, 11, 12, sometimes 13 hours a day. Was I a nut case? I guess I should have believed in myself that my private practice could actually be successful once the RIDICULOUS paneling and contracting process with insurance was completed. The past 30 days I have reverted and regressed to an old self that I thought I had left behind. I've let my good eating habits go back to old habits... maybe not 100% but I can feel the difference in my belly flubber. I got behind on paperwork, housework, and baby care. It's all a mountain that built while I was away from home 12 hours a day. But I'm home. I can regain control. Reorganize life...
Today is the beginning of the rest of my life. A life where I am my boss. I finally can "work hard/play hard" according to my schedule. I can be a night owl and work past 10 pm, I can slam it into three days or stretch it out to six. I can work, not work, play or rest. I can be my sassy often interpreted as "abrasive self" because the only person I am managing and taking direction from is me. I have always been "marching to the beat of my own drum" said my first grade teacher. I am a determined woman on the hunt and mission to control my own destiny. And now, I am in control. My sanity is returning. I am energized again. I am home...
Something about being home, no matter the stress level, helps me to recenter. I call our neighborhood "my retreat" because as soon as you enter back into the woods, you just feel like you're headed away to a resort in the forest. I love being home... the sun, the big tree out front, my super awesome neighbors, the people I love, and the things that make up me. I could do nothing all day here for days and days and I just feel more and more comfortable. I know life isn't about just being comfortable, but I think there are moments in our life when we need a sanctuary. We need a place to get back right with ourselves, the Lord, and our priorities. Sometime I feel like I need to hit my own psychological reset button and get whole again.
The last month has been hard. I've been short, snappy, tired, irritable, and probably a bad friend and wife. I never will know why I thought I could work two jobs that are both very emotionally taxing. I will never know why I thought I'd be able to survive being away from baby 10, 11, 12, sometimes 13 hours a day. Was I a nut case? I guess I should have believed in myself that my private practice could actually be successful once the RIDICULOUS paneling and contracting process with insurance was completed. The past 30 days I have reverted and regressed to an old self that I thought I had left behind. I've let my good eating habits go back to old habits... maybe not 100% but I can feel the difference in my belly flubber. I got behind on paperwork, housework, and baby care. It's all a mountain that built while I was away from home 12 hours a day. But I'm home. I can regain control. Reorganize life...
Today is the beginning of the rest of my life. A life where I am my boss. I finally can "work hard/play hard" according to my schedule. I can be a night owl and work past 10 pm, I can slam it into three days or stretch it out to six. I can work, not work, play or rest. I can be my sassy often interpreted as "abrasive self" because the only person I am managing and taking direction from is me. I have always been "marching to the beat of my own drum" said my first grade teacher. I am a determined woman on the hunt and mission to control my own destiny. And now, I am in control. My sanity is returning. I am energized again. I am home...
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Mixed Emotions as I move Forward...
I am sitting in my office at the school for the very last time. Little first graders and kindergartners are outside sitting in a line after a trip to the bathroom. They have "hallway hugs and a bubbles", but are giggling and asking tiny people questions. Every day when I am doing paperwork, I leave my door cracked just a little bit. I love their little people conversations, tiny smiles, and curiosity. I moved my toys out about two weeks ago, and I've missed the gasps of excitement as kids used to peer in and see the doll house and a few other toys on the shelves. Kids love to play, and thus, they love play therapy.
I am sad because in a way this was my dream job. I love being in a good school, with good staff, and good kids. I love being apart of the learning process. I love being part of this team. I love so many things about being here. I loved shopping for back to school decor and hitting up the dollar tree for motivational prizes. I would say, I am "shopping for MY kids". They some how became like my little club of secret people... some with trauma, some with bad homes, some in foster care, and some who had lost loved ones. They were my little land of misfit toys... They sometimes had poor social skills or cried multiple times a day. But in my room, we played. We talked. I learned so much about their little people lives. And they learned about themselves.
It's hard to be a therapist. You learn about all the special moments in peoples lives but you can't share those stories with anyone else. Your a secret keeper and a story holder. You share emotional intimacy with people in a way that most never know. You build a bond with your clients. You know their families, know their life story, and know why they do what they do. It's a privilege but a lonely island to work on.
I've been on teams with some amazing other people. People who for decades serve day after day a population in survival. We get cussed out, stood up, put down, and denied. We cry with people, laugh with people, and sit with people in the darkest moments of grief.
I am sitting in a room of memories. Play therapy moments of "ah ha" bliss and moments of pain. This cinder cell block cubby in the middle of the primary hallway for one year has been my home, and before that another cubby in another place was my special home for a year and a half. I love my work. I love play therapy and family therapy. I love the clinician I have become...
Nothing in life is ever simple black and white. I've had many gray moments. Moments where I've thought about turning back and renigging on my resignation. But I truly feel like I was born to run this private office. I feel energized by my work there. I love being able to do play therapy and not be worried about if insurance will cover it. I love not worrying about "production" or completing the long list of assessments due for the kids. I won't miss the "drama and politics" of community mental health. I won't miss an hour plus of commuting to work... but I will miss this place... I will miss these little people... I will miss being on this team.
Today is a day of mixed emotions. I wish it was a sigh of relief and I could sneak out at the end of the day and simply be content that it's over. But I'll be honest, I am full of mixed emotions. I know I did some good work here, and I wish I had the chance to do more good work. I wish it was easier to be everything professionally and still be a good mom. I wish I could work 13 hour days with endless energy and still have time to be with the baby. But my little person won't be little very long and I want to be a mom to her instead of being a "make up mom" for these little people at school. I am selffish that way, that I don't want to share her with a stranger and daycare. I want her "first" stories. I want to read, know her favorites, and be with her snuggling at nap time. I want long walks to the park and trips to target. I don't want to be a weekend warrior mom who tries to do everything fun in 48 hours of "free time". I want her to know that she is my world and I will do anything for her. I want her to see you can reach your goals (before you turn 30 if you want to). I want to have my dream of being a successful business owner. I want to have the ability to provide good clinical care. I want all these things so much.... ugh...
Today is a messy, unsettled, sad goodbyes kind of day. I am realizing I can't do it all. Having a baby has made me realize I can't work 12 hours a day anymore 5 days a week with some Saturday morning sessions just for fun. I have to find balance. And thus I feel like in a way I am saying goodbye to my "old self". The self who "did it all" and "took it all upon myself to be the best". I am putting her on a shelf for a bit. I am going home to my little person. She'll only be little a little while, and until she gets on that school bus herself and says, "bye mom, have a good day", then I will just work on being mom and a "part-time" therapist. I will work on being part time therapist, full time momma. I know I won't regret spending more time with her, but I will miss this place, this corner of the world, this portion on my life. Bye bye little people, bye bye team... It's been an adventure, a blessing, a journey... another morning has come.. The sun is rising, and I have to keep moving forward.
I am sad because in a way this was my dream job. I love being in a good school, with good staff, and good kids. I love being apart of the learning process. I love being part of this team. I love so many things about being here. I loved shopping for back to school decor and hitting up the dollar tree for motivational prizes. I would say, I am "shopping for MY kids". They some how became like my little club of secret people... some with trauma, some with bad homes, some in foster care, and some who had lost loved ones. They were my little land of misfit toys... They sometimes had poor social skills or cried multiple times a day. But in my room, we played. We talked. I learned so much about their little people lives. And they learned about themselves.
It's hard to be a therapist. You learn about all the special moments in peoples lives but you can't share those stories with anyone else. Your a secret keeper and a story holder. You share emotional intimacy with people in a way that most never know. You build a bond with your clients. You know their families, know their life story, and know why they do what they do. It's a privilege but a lonely island to work on.
I've been on teams with some amazing other people. People who for decades serve day after day a population in survival. We get cussed out, stood up, put down, and denied. We cry with people, laugh with people, and sit with people in the darkest moments of grief.
I am sitting in a room of memories. Play therapy moments of "ah ha" bliss and moments of pain. This cinder cell block cubby in the middle of the primary hallway for one year has been my home, and before that another cubby in another place was my special home for a year and a half. I love my work. I love play therapy and family therapy. I love the clinician I have become...
Nothing in life is ever simple black and white. I've had many gray moments. Moments where I've thought about turning back and renigging on my resignation. But I truly feel like I was born to run this private office. I feel energized by my work there. I love being able to do play therapy and not be worried about if insurance will cover it. I love not worrying about "production" or completing the long list of assessments due for the kids. I won't miss the "drama and politics" of community mental health. I won't miss an hour plus of commuting to work... but I will miss this place... I will miss these little people... I will miss being on this team.
Today is a day of mixed emotions. I wish it was a sigh of relief and I could sneak out at the end of the day and simply be content that it's over. But I'll be honest, I am full of mixed emotions. I know I did some good work here, and I wish I had the chance to do more good work. I wish it was easier to be everything professionally and still be a good mom. I wish I could work 13 hour days with endless energy and still have time to be with the baby. But my little person won't be little very long and I want to be a mom to her instead of being a "make up mom" for these little people at school. I am selffish that way, that I don't want to share her with a stranger and daycare. I want her "first" stories. I want to read, know her favorites, and be with her snuggling at nap time. I want long walks to the park and trips to target. I don't want to be a weekend warrior mom who tries to do everything fun in 48 hours of "free time". I want her to know that she is my world and I will do anything for her. I want her to see you can reach your goals (before you turn 30 if you want to). I want to have my dream of being a successful business owner. I want to have the ability to provide good clinical care. I want all these things so much.... ugh...
Today is a messy, unsettled, sad goodbyes kind of day. I am realizing I can't do it all. Having a baby has made me realize I can't work 12 hours a day anymore 5 days a week with some Saturday morning sessions just for fun. I have to find balance. And thus I feel like in a way I am saying goodbye to my "old self". The self who "did it all" and "took it all upon myself to be the best". I am putting her on a shelf for a bit. I am going home to my little person. She'll only be little a little while, and until she gets on that school bus herself and says, "bye mom, have a good day", then I will just work on being mom and a "part-time" therapist. I will work on being part time therapist, full time momma. I know I won't regret spending more time with her, but I will miss this place, this corner of the world, this portion on my life. Bye bye little people, bye bye team... It's been an adventure, a blessing, a journey... another morning has come.. The sun is rising, and I have to keep moving forward.
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