Continuing to Find the Meaning of Life

2013 continued to be a year of highs and lows.  My grandmother passed away Thursday, October 24th sometime in the night.  She is one of six people I have attended their funeral.  One of three direct relatives to die in my lifetime.  I'd like to say that I am comfortable with death since I am a therapist and have talked about loved ones dying and how to transition, but I suck at it.  This death was particularly odd for me.  More feelings of happiness for my grandma, but obviously sadness for the change and transition.  As I was reading her eulogy, my lack of emotion came to a head and I was overwhelmed with grief.  My grandmother was a widow for almost 20 years.  Her life was hard.  I couldn't even write about all she came through because she was a pretty private person.  She didn't say much and she certainly didn't tell my mother what she went through.  After the funeral, I heard more stories about things I had wondered about but didn't know. 

I'm now left back in my "usual life" with a lot of information, feelings, and ideas that I am slowly tying into who I am and who I want to be.  I spent years trying to get to know my family, and found that there are so many deep and dark secrets on both sides for generations.  We all have our junk.  But seeing how that junk impacts other people in the family tree was particularly alarming.  How I love or fail to love has huge implications for how my child loves and how she loves her children.  That impacts down the line and down the line. 

I learned that as terrible as my grandmothers life was, she chose to break the cycle on many of those issues and unfortunately she internalized that pain.  I saw the effects of that internalizing, but never really understood the cause.  I work with trauma victims all the time and Grandma screamed "trauma" to me, but I never really put it all together.  The Great Depression, the domestic violence, the drinking, the racism, then poverty and death.  87 years to come from that back to a life where everyone has died and you can't take care of yourself. 

We don't like to think about death or what it really means.  We like to think of life and this opportunity to do such great things, but in the last week, I feel like I have seen peace in death.  That when God takes you home, sometimes that's the most peaceful part of all.  This world is full of brokenness and pain.  It's full of loneliness.  It's full of hurt and disappointment.  As great as this world can feel it's only a glimmer of heaven.  It's only a sand grain of God's goodness.  That's the hope that I have.  And my job, well, it makes me feel much better and much more joy to continue to serve people in the mess.  If I can't help ease the pain and help transition people through the fight, then I suppose that's a honor.  I wish Grandma would have had more support than she did.

When someone reads my eulogy, I want them to be happy for me, but sad at the same time.  I want to have a list of such good memories but reality that life is more than a series of paychecks, a series of vacations or purchases.  Life is little moments and memories with your family and friends.  It's about finding joy even in hard times. It's about perception, and I guess if my grandmother did one thing really well was that she focused on people and relationships.  Her one desire was to maintain and grow friendships.  She loved to talk on the phone, she loved to visit or go out to eat with people.  She loved to golf, play cards, bowl, and be social.  She was a home maker after she had kids, and I never really heard her say she wished she had more money or more professional development. 

I guess I am finishing this a little farther along...  I am realizing how blessed I have already been in my life, and I just want to stay intentional about the truly important things.  I just want to remind myself what really matters.  I don't think I will get to the end of my life and say, "I could have made more money" or "you know I could have gotten my doctorate if I really wanted to".  Some days will simply be laundry, cooking, cleaning and taking care of dirty diapers.  But my attitude, my heart, and my joy is what will be remembered by my child.  Thank you Grandma for enduring with a smile.  I think you have always been a go-getter and a busy little lady up until the end.  I am remembering those Christmas card photos of you and grandpa in your Florida paradise.  I bet you're there now... in your cute top, next to him, in that warm sunshine smiling from ear to ear.  You're home now.  You're safe.  You're loved....