When Nine Months on Isn't Nine Months Off

In a matter of days (3), my daughter will be nine months old.  She is amazing.  Full of life, crawling, standing, jibbering and jabbering.  She is the light of my world.  Nine months ago seems like a blink of an eye, yet, so much has happened since she changed my world one chilly February morning.  My visions of motherhood are a bit tainted.  After years of nannying, I forgot just how truly exhausting having a baby is, and how little doesn't get done simply because it's a choice between intentionally playing and loving on this little bundle you've created or ignoring them so you can some what do something for yourself.  I will admit.  I still have moments where I go to the bathroom, get the mail, put groceries away and cook a meal or work on paperwork of some kind, but outside of the essentials to life, I have struggled to find time.

That brings me to today's post.  When Nine Months On Isn't Nine Months Off.  Fifty pounds ago, I was pregnant.  An eight pound baby came out, but the rest of that weight was simple me eating anything and everything under the sun.  I wasn't one of those fit pregnant people.  My idea of a work out was actually getting out for work, walking the dog a half a mile, or attending a yoga class for 30 minutes.  I usually slept 14 hours a day and ate anything I could find.  I gained about 54 pounds give or take a few since I have since bought a scale and realized my old one weighed a little light.

A friend of mine, early in the weight loss program post natal said, "nine months on and nine months off".  I said, I hope it doesn't take THAT long.  I worked hard.  I did weight watchers for three months, clean eating, and calorie reducing.  I have had times I was walking 45-60 minutes daily and times I was doing Jillian Michaels Shred DVD's.  But here I am stuck a good 10 pounds above pre-baby weight today as after my grandma passed away I gained back a few pounds. 

It's hard to see and accept that what if my body does hold this weight until I am done having kids.  What if, I never really truly find the time for myself.  What if I just keep making excuses?  I could easily run for 20 minutes a day during nap time and finish paperwork later.  I could easily even just stay consistent with my daily walks, but I am so good at finding 1000 other things to do besides working out, and I am a huge sucker for a greasy cheeseburger with fries, an ice cream cone, and a whole lot of carbs.  I am not nearly as bad as I once was.  My cabinets looks vastly different and our eating habits have greatly improved....  But, I am still not where I want to be.

Usually in these moments, I recommit.  I get an even more intense plan and try harder.  But today, I just feel like surrendering.  It's been a really challenging year.  Had a baby, quit my job, started a new business, got licensed, lost my grandmother, had to learn how to surrender to not parenting the way I planned.  Everything in my life is harder than I plan on it being.  Grad school, getting my MFT license, having a house, and definitely being a parent.   I even have a pretty easy baby and I am still overwhelmed a lot of the time.  I have done a lot.  I have still maintained friendships including my marriage.  I have still been there for my family and friends.  I have still kept a nice house and yard.  I still am on top of my finances, my business paperwork, and I am still able to keep my promises most of the time. 

These last nine months, I have grown into being a mother.  I still have so much more learning to do.  I have poured myself into my daughter, my business, and keeping up with everything else in my life, it's no wonder I am still holding on to my comfort foods from time to time.  It's no wonder I haven't lost 60 pounds in 9 months.  I guess I am just going to have to surrender to the fact that I can't be it all, do it all, and lose it all.  Maybe if the circumstances were different.  Maybe all moms just aren't alike.  Either way, I am struggling to accept it, but I am trying to realize sometimes it just doesn't work out for you no matter how hard you try.  But I will just keep trying.  Just keep eating healthy and being active.  One day it will all work itself out.