When I worked in the school, the kids who had trouble concentrating use to tell me that it felt like every time they tried to do work, it felt like all the other stuff in the room got in the way. I used to tell these poor children living in the worst zip code in Indy about how the horses downtown who pulled the carriages had the same problem. I told them about things called "blinders" that horses wear to help them. They had seen the horses and were impressed they were able to walk with the cars. They had an idea of the kind of stress it would be like to need to be brave, walk forward, and push on despite loud and confusing distractions. They listened to the story about blinders and how they helped the horses do their job, and then we would create blinders with their hands so they got the concept.
I feel like lately, I could use some life skills in creating my own blinders. My mind is scattered with a mixture of things to do, things I see could be done, and then reminders of things I started but forgot to do. Transition and anxiety for me are like ADHD but on a part time basis. I could benefit from a stimulant medication these days. I could benefit from someone sitting down with me and forcing me to prioritize my tasks. I could use a maid, a chef, a secretary, and a nanny. I would have a full days work for each of them so that I could just love KK and do therapy. But I am just one horse... one horse with a full load to carry.
I am really good at organizing myself, but lately I am just overwhelmed. It's been about one month since I down sized just to private practice, and I find I am still letting the noise get to me. It's certainly gotten better. I can fall asleep without racing thoughts. I can keep up with most of the housework, and all my progress notes are still done each week, but I forgot to listen to my body. I forget to pee, eat, and rest when I need to. Yesterday, I heated up a cup of soup in the microwave. Between putting away dishes, feeding the baby, and cleaning the counter tops, I forgot I had made it. I had open and shut the microwave after it cooked so I could finish loading waters into the fridge, and then I totally spaced I had cooked it. So about thirty minutes goes by and my stomach growls. I thought, why am I still hungry, I just ate...... ..... ..... ..... I don't remember eating anything... I remember cooking, but not eating... (I looking in the microwave). Oh...
I realize I am busy doing all of the outside things of this world, and still forgetting to focus on me. So I don't eat, but then mindlessly binge later. I don't rest throughout the day, so I crash at night. I don't manage my anxiety, so I snap at my hubby later in the day. By 10pm, I am physically sore, mentally shot, and emotionally shut down. I am overwhelming myself because I can't find a way to shut out the noise and senseless extra crap that doesn't matter.
In Proverbs 4:25, the writer says, "Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you." The whole chapter is about wisdom and how we become wise and closer to God when we lose sight of all of the other unnecessary junk. We gain peace and understanding when we look only towards God. But how the heck do you do that? How do I remain a productive member of society, a mindful parent, and a loving wife who selflessly seeks to love and provide for my husband? How do I be in this world, but not of it? How do I have a clean and loving home and still fix my eyes on Jesus?
I am coming to a point in my life where I am starting, just starting to, accept life is never pretty. The farther I get from my own blissful ignorance of childhood, the messier this world gets. I have moments of pure joy and clarity but they are in the context of a broken world. There are no blinders to being an adult. No reality filter which only gives you the good stuff. We aren't designed to function that way. But we have to "refocus" our eyes regularly so that we don't get sucked up by the overwhelming brokenness that surrounds us. We have to pick our eyes up to God and look at things from a bigger, broader perspective than the one we get here on the ground.
I am learning in my life that I have to create divine appointments with God. The pace of this world is so fast. The days speed by like drops of water out of a bucket. So many moments are moving by, and here I am. I can get lost in it, freeze and panic in anxiety, or I can make my own blinders with my mind and keep walking towards the goal. I have to fix my eyes on taking care of things in priority and start being ok with the things left undone. While it's not easy, it's the only thing I think that will break the chains of chaos in my mind. It's the only thing that will allow me to be mom, therapist, wife, homeowner. It's that re-centering process that I need to do, but usually forget doing... I need blinders, too. There's so much to see and do, and I can't see and do it all. I have to be purposeful, mindful, and conscious of my time. It is after all my greatest gift...
No comments:
Post a Comment