Heaven Sent and My Thank You's

Being a new mom, I think the last four weeks have been a series or trial and error.  Everything I read in books, learned in classes, talked to the doctor about, and made a plan for sort of flew out the window starting with her due date and when I would work until.  I don't think until you become pregnant, have a baby, and are knee deep into parenting that you really have any clue what you are in for.  Even with lots of nannying, parenting classes, and a child development major from Purdue, I have never reached out to so many people for support, advice and resources.  The really awesome part about it is that in the midst of this new and sometimes challenging time, God has provided so many people who have become like additional family to us while also making many of the relationships with much of our family stronger.

It started with the showers and all the people who showed up to shower a baby they haven't even seen with presents and gifts.  Despite being three weeks early, when we came home day one we had everything we needed except a few packs of newborn diapers.  Most people talk about how hard it is to provide for a baby, but with the support we had from our family and friends (and our parents friends), we managed to build a nest for this little lady that is far beyond what I thought we could provide.  Since then, shopping has been for fun things like tu-tu's and tiny holiday wear or little luxuries like extra nursing tanks or more bottles to not wash as much.  It has been such a blessing to realize that close to a hundred people in our lives have been part of getting our home ready for KK.  Each blanket or outfit we use, I think, "Oh _____ gave her this" or "we got this from _____".  It's been fun to see her try out each item and set up what will be where she continues to learn and grow.

Then as we got closer to the due date, I leaned heavily on the encouragement from my mom and people at work.  Since I've been home, I really don't reach out to work, but while I was there, so many people were so encouraging.  Telling me to go to the ER when my legs swelled and went purple, helping me make choices about working up until delivery day, and even just bringing me treats to say "I was thinking about you".  It made the last few months bearable, and it felt good to realize that people do see past our work being a job and recognize the value of what really matters in life.  I got to see bosses that always seemed "about the numbers" tell me not to worry about numbers and to take care of me in a genuine way.  They complimented me and helped me to see how hard I do try.  Even when she was born early causing a bit of chaos, they told me to care about the baby and have not even asked one questions about any of my clients. 

Once my water broke, the whirlwind of my new life began.  My parents answered within two telephone rings and were at the hospital shortly after I arrived.  They drove from West Lafayette at 1:30 in the morning to be there for me.  They have supported my choices from pain management, C-Section, breastfeeding, and recovery.  They have supported me emotionally on the hard days when I felt like I wasn't doing things right.  They have complimented my efforts and made me feel confident in being a parent.  Many people say their parents cause stress when having a baby, but mine have been just the opposite.  They stepped up by watching Macy for four days, carpet cleaning my bedroom, cleaning my house, spending two weeks cooking and doing laundry, and genuinely caring and providing for my new little family.  As my mom drove home a week ago, I cried and worried I wouldn't be able to do it on my own.  She gave me more encouragement and since continues to check in and make sure I feel strong and able each day.  I see the love she has for her grand daughter each face-time chat and know that despite not being right here all the time, that she is rooting and cheering for me. 

My husband has been an A+ Dad.  He has sat up with me while I tried to breast feed at 3am providing conversation, support but not providing advice.  He washes bottles until his hands cracked and continues to clean and do chores that I used to do.  He comes home from work and takes baby and changes diapers, feeds her, and gives me time to do somethings for me.  He has been generous with gifts (my love language) and allowed me to feel financially secure by working over time the last year.  He has prayed for me, sought counsel for me, and continued to allow me to feel all those mixed bag of emotions that come during this time.  He listens, is present with, and is gentle with me as I have needed a safe place to land some days.  He is better than most dads and it's been so neat to see him so in love and obsessed with the baby.  His service to me is a remind and a representation of his sacrificial and unconditional love in our marriage.  It has made us a stronger couple. I feel a new love for him and even though we often run on little sleep and have pretty much staked out camp on the couch since I got pregnant, I feel like our lives have more joy than ever before.  We are one of those lucky couples... soul mates... and feeling so blessed that God brought us together. 

My in-laws have also been there coming down for a week with KK was born and showering her with gifts and us with food and love.  They drive and set times to come down without thinking about the weather and genuinely just sit and enjoy her.  Their whole side of the family have thrown showers, sent gifts, sent pizzas from Lou Malnatti's, offered baby sitting, and have even set dates to fly out to see her.  We feel their love from miles away and know they would be over even more if they lived closer.  It's amazing how even from four hours away, we are getting so much support and love on a regular basis.  We look forward to all of the trips planned for the end of March, her future baby dedication, and Christmas. 

While I always knew our family loves us and cared about us, I have been amazed by the number of people who have reached out to help us since KK was born.  People from church who have offered motherly advice on feeding and brought over herbal medicine, oils, and resources.  Our small group who baked breads, brought flowers, and have brought over meals.  Friends from work who call and brought over meals.  Girls from my sorority who sit and talk with me and listen.  Friends from college and grad school who listen to what is going on and try to help with advice or support on feeding.  Other mothers from high school and college who have been through what I am going through who sit on facebook chat at 11pm.  Our neighbor who comes over and did a feeding OT eval and provided suggestions and support about how to help Kaylie feed better and what to talk to the doctor about.  Friends who have offered to do our dishes, make meals, bring food over, and stop by to bring me some social interaction.  Each day, someone or some people reach out to us and provide support some how.  I never realized how much community could change your life.  I have always felt like I could handle things on my own, and being humbled and in this place where I have needed help and so many have been there for us, I don't have the right words to say thank you, but I am truly thankful. 

When I think about these people who love us so dearly and thoughtfully, I know that God has placed many different people in our lives and the lives of our family to help us raise Kaylie.  Being a parent is so much more than what I thought of.  It has emotional ups and downs which aren't bad, but are more intense than I ever imagined.  As a new mom, I thought I would be able to do more than I am, have no problems with all I had read and learned, and never anticipated our perfect bundle of joy would need support as well.  I have never felt more helpless, but supported.  I have never felt more challenged but humbled.  I have never felt more blessed and provided for.  I realized that God places a family in your life for a reason.  That family is not only your birth family, but your church family, and your life family who have been in parts of your life for a season, but return when it really matters most.  I just wanted to say thank you for all that have been there for us.  A month into being parents, I am no where near as self-sufficient as I thought I would be, but I am seeing how the kindness of those who love you carry you through.  So thanks everyone!  We TRULY appreciate it!

Coming to Terms with What I've Been Given

WARNING: This post is not for people who do not want to hear about my breast feeding issues.  It is my way of reflecting and does contain conversation about breast feeding.

Kaylie is 23 days old and after my seventh face to face and probably dozenth conversation with a lactation consultant, I might have to give up my plan to breast feed.

I think with anything in motherhood you have a vision of what it will be like.  I never thought mine would be so rocky.  While the baby is healthy and I am recovering quickly, feeding the baby has been quite hard.  For awhile, I blamed myself for maybe not feeding enough the first few days or sleeping a little too long in the hospital, but after another support group, I realized my story and my experiences weren't like the other mothers. All the common signs and symptoms of what is supposed to occur after birth, for me, were a far cry from what actually happened.

Three weeks in, I have now spent lots of time and money trying herbal medicine, different breast pumps, bottles for supplementing, foods to help produce, oils for fat cells, and tried to follow a strict plan of attack.  But after my session today, I am realizing that my mommy story is far from everyone else's.

These first few weeks, the blissful idea of having my baby by my side has been mixed emotions.  After long long feeds well over an hour, my baby still cried, unsatisfied but tired.  I kept trying new feedings plans to the point where I was feeding her or pumping for an hour and a half and back on it in an hour and a half or less.  All day, all night, day after day.  Today, after another night of little sleep, I admitted, I don't know  how much longer I can do this and not see any progress.  The LC admitted that the window of time is running out for production but encouraged me to hang on a bit longer.

I know it's silly. Many babies are fed a number of ways.  I just had the pretty picture of how it would be and since it hasn't been, I have struggled to let go and move on.  But seeing her have her bottle and smile and coo at might afterward makes it worth it.  I am not a failure, I didn't give up on myself or my baby, and I have tried very hard.  Today in class I felt heard.  It wasn't another recipe for some crazy potion that might help, just an honest ear that it's not working out but I have other options.  I think I need permission sometimes to wave the white flag.  I know plenty of babies who have been formula fed and turn out great, I guess I never loved anything so much that I cared about every last choice I made for it.  I don't even care about what I eat until I had this baby.

I guess I just needed to vent today.  Alone in the house, I needed to say my surrender and get my sense of peace about giving up.  I am going to try one more week, in hopes that a miracle occurs but I barely make an ounce of milk, so I am pretty sure the book is closed.  I assume there will be more of these moments... where I have to come to terms with what I have been given...  but today, this is my moment.  I have to stop being sad that it didn't work out the way I wanted, and happy that I have a happy and healthy baby who loves her "bubba" and digests it well.  In the mean time, I will still snuggle her skin to skin and continue to develop that bond and attachment even if I don't have milk of my own to give.

My First Week into Motherhood

7 am on a Thursday morning.  Dad, baby, and Macy all asleep on the couches.  I have had my coffee, fed the baby, and watched the daily news report.  This is my new normal.  Two weeks ago, I was working and getting ready for maternity leave.  With Kaylie coming early, I wasn't really able to take of anytime to nest or get ready except for on the weekends or evenings after work, so the shock of being home all day and not having a job to go to until August is refreshing, surreal, and often times so counter cultural to what my life has been like up until now.  After a week and a half out of my C-Section, I am already walking around well, cooking, cleaning, and back to my usual busy self.  It doesn't feel normal to just sit around and do little.  But then there are these quiet moments I have never had before...  No where to go, no responsibility until she wakes up, and a sense of simplicity I have never felt.

Most people say being a mother is the hardest job.  Emotionally, it truly is.  When I feel like I can't produce or do it right, it's painful and heart-breaking like I have never felt.  Suddenly, my actions and behaviors directly impact another person just as much or more than they affect myself.  But the sheer simplicity of this life these days compared to the hustle and bustle of my life as a working woman are so contrast I feel like I am in a different world.  Holding the baby in my arms for hours at a time in a day, I have a sense of peace and serenity like I have never known.  I don't care about the laundry all being done and put away or the fact our carpet needs to be vacuumed.  Instead, I am overcome with love and warm fuzzies. I look at tiny toes for the fiftieth time and stroke her chubby cheeks, and it's really all I need to feel satisfied.  I made this, I am caring for this, and I am, despite a few hiccups with her feeding, able to satisfy this little being.  Seeing her peacefully drift off to sleep, I feel a sense of accomplishment like nothing I have ever felt working.

I always like my job when I could help a family change and get better and enjoying their kids more.  Often times a simple change in routine or communication pattern would move mountains, but more often than not, my families were stuck in patterns of behavior I could not get them motivated to change.  They would express dissatisfaction, agree with observations of the interactions, but time and time again would not make the necessary changes to evolve and grow.  I was not in control of their success.  I always said for that reason I often felt my career was God's way of teaching me I could not control everything and I had to trust Him.

Motherhood is different for me.  For the first time, I can immediately satisfy a need.  On an hourly basis, I can make hungry baby happy, sleepy baby drift to sleep, and dirty baby clean.  It's simple despite not always being perfect.  No generational poverty or systemic dysfunction.  No dyadic thinking patterns or personality disorder due to complex trauma issues.  Just a tiny little lady who has simple needs to fill.  A blank slate that has yet to be covered with years of pain and loss.  There is something so amazingly awesome about this job of being a mother I am enjoying that even the most difficult portions of parenting, like only sleeping in two hour increments, seem manageable because I know how much deeper and more broken and more difficult the world can be.  Having the privilege of being home to care for her, I just feel blessed to put my work aside and suck in everything pure and simple about loving her.

It's been a week and a half since baby girl was born.  I am changed.  I am a new person.  I feel my focus, priorities, and values are shifting solely due to an eight pound nugget of my flesh and bones.  As I stare at her now, I see all that other stuff doesn't matter.  The drama, the hustle and bustle, and the craziness of this world, they all fade to the background.  While I can't always do everything right, I feel like what I can do is love her to the best of my ability.  I get to choose what influences come into her life at this time.   I get to set the mood for this home and the pace for our lives.  Suddenly, I am not the coach on the sidelines, I am on the field and playing the game.  I am changed because I truly did not know what it was like to walk in those shoes.  And while I know I still helped people without being a parent, I feel like having this short experience has completely reframed my life.  God is so good to me, and I can't help but see how His love for us is pure, simple, and true now that I am a parent.  I could have never predicted just how simply peaceful and wonderful being a parent can be.  I think I like my new job!

All Coming Together

A few more days or weeks left until Ms. Siegl arrives.  She's kicking with intention these days, and after our ultrasound three weeks ago, she is probably close to 8 pounds by now.  Her pink paradise is almost complete with just a few cute things to hang on the walls and a few items that did not get purchased on the registry left before I would say it's all complete.  The clothes are washed and hung up, the hospital bags are packed and almost ready for the big day, and my body truly feels like it's stretched to the max.

Nine months ago, my heart was filled with anxiety and panic.  This unplanned miracle baby who was supposed to only come with IVF or a miracle from Jesus actually came on her own with God's plan and purpose in mind.  She has already stretched me in so many ways.  I physically have never been this uncomfortable, but I am learning to set limits for myself for the first time in life.  I've learned to appreciate simple things like rolling over in bed, getting up out of a deep sofa, and being able to lift and work and play hard.  I've learned to let people help me whether it be picking up a toy off the floor, getting a cup off the top shelf or just help in doing chores that I am used to doing.  I have learned patience as 9 months goes by quite slow when you are waiting for a baby to come.  I have learned that God's plan for things NEVER look like what I have planned but some how it all comes together.

Tonight after two hours of budgeting, Chris and I left the office both with smiles.  Nine months of scrapping, saving, and planning and lots of praying, we were proudly able to meet our goals so that I can stay home with Kaylie for the first five months before returning to work in the fall.  Not only did we meet our goals, but we found great comfort in knowing that we met it far more liberally than we thought without having to lose our home, kill our savings, go into debt or give up my dreams professionally. We left with hope that God is not only providing today, but he has continued to provide no matter how many set backs we have had lately. 

The biggest source of my anxiety about having a baby was about losing everything we had been working for financially and professionally.  As a couple, we prayed, asked others to pray, and have felt such a pressure to be diligent and good stewards with our resources.  Unexpected blessings still cost money!  As crazy as it sounds, I was less scared about midnight feedings and colic than I was about paying for groceries.  I guess all of it is important, but something about fiscal safety is my sense of security. 

So with a few days or weeks to go (who knows when the diva will arrive), Chris and I looked at each other and for the first time were able to say "I think we are ready".  Nine months later and with only a few minutes to spare, I feel like God has brought it all together in his time, her time.  Now, I am ready.  I can't wait.  Come on baby, let's get this show on the road.  We can't wait to meet you and now we feel confident that we can provide a life for you.  Now we feel ready.  I am sure when the water breaks, it will be a whole other story, but tonight in this moment, we feel like it's all coming together.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.  -John 14:27

So Much to Be Thankful For...

Last year about this time, Chris and I were basking in our first year of marriage only thinking and dreaming of the adventures to come.  Never in a million years would I have thought I would be pregnant and 13 weeks away from the due date.  A lot changes in one year.  I work at a new school, have opened my own private practice, have completed my license requirements, am about to become a mother, and have been blessed to share all of these successes with my friends and family.  I looked back in the blog about the different times of waiting and patience over the last couple years and I realize that my blog is a log of waiting seasons and a log   of pivotal moments where I got to watch the sunrise.  The journey I have seen goes up and down with joys and sorrows and is far less planned out than I had expected my life to be.

I looked over pictures, and I reflected on how God brings people in and out of your life throughout the journey to walk along side of you.  People sometimes step out, but then some how step back in randomly.  Others are with you all along the way, and some only for a short moment or two.  All seem to have impact, meaning, and purpose in the bigger journey along the bend.  He also brings in people that we would have never picked for ourselves.  God can allow this biggest set backs to come into our lives only to redeem those dark moments days, weeks or years later for his glory.  All I know is that despite some unknown times ahead, I am so very thankful for where I am right in this current moment.

I've been watching my friends do a daily list of thanks for this month, and I think if I got started I would need pages.  I have such a scope of thankfulness this year.  I am well on to a life I dreamed of, but in completely different ways than I dreamed of it.

Today before Thanksgiving, I want to just sit with this attitude of gratitude for family, life, love, friendship, and blessing beyond compare.  I feel in these moments a glimpse of what's to come.  God is so good to me.

Like I Know You

It's been 22 weeks and three days with my daughter growing inside of me.  We've already had some ups and downs.  The first 14 weeks were tough and were represented by five pounds of weight loss.  The last two months have been a roller coaster of skin rashes, belly kicks, food cravings, side cramps, joyful ultrasounds, sheer exhaustion, but this underlying get to know you phase of time.  I know what positions and times of day gets her going, and I know that my daily caffeine or nightly allergy medication will raise and lower the activity rates.  The kicks are getting more intentional as I now see my belly jiggle like Santa in the evening.

Then came the nursery, the clothes shopping, the name picking (on going)... The little pumpkin we made, we are falling in love with.  I stand alone sometimes in her little pink corner of the house with her night light on thinking, "soon enough, I will be sitting with you in my arms rocking you...".  I'll look at every detail of her face.  Those tiny eye lashes and puckery lips will melt my heart and all these days of ups and downs will be forgotten.  I picture tiny hands holding blankets and coming out of fuzzy fleece jammies.  I don't really seem to care about anything else lately and with each little kick, I am overcome with the "get to know you process" that comes with any new relationship.

Every baby is special to their mother.  Every baby has a unique relationship with their parents.  I have many parents that I work with who notice every last uniqueness between their kids.  One slept through the night, the other was feisty and always doing their own thing.  I am trying to enjoy each day.  I know in about 124 more, I won't be sitting alone after work when daddy plays volleyball.  Pretty soon there will be a little snuggle bunny here with me.  I am pretty excited for her to come.  I know there will be those toddler meltdowns, those pre-teen arguments about short skirts and skanky tanktops, those teenage power struggles, and those young adult heart breaks where I can't do anything to help her, but I am excited for another journey.  It's another season of waiting, but a day after day process of getting to know her more.  Until I see her face to face, I just pray for her, listen to her, think about how to love her the right way.

Towards about 18 weeks, I just felt like this baby was a girl.  In my heart, I have truly been digging deep down to understand why I wanted a girl, and I think I see the unique mother/daughter relationship and I want that to continue in my life.  And now that she's coming, I feel myself growing in infatuation.  I will be that crazy mother trying not to over post but wanting the whole world to see her.  I want so much for her.  I stand in church singing, praying, holding her in my belly, praying for her hope and her future.  Pumpkin, I apologize in advance... you are loved very much and I feel like Will Ferrel in Elf.. "I'm in love, and I don't care who knows it"... I think you're ok with that... you just kicked me. :)  I can't wait to see you, I feel like I already know you.  You are part of me and part of my best friend (clearly you are going to be WONDERFUL)... just be more like your dad.  He is way more easy going....

Is That You In There?

Less than two weeks from now, I can give Baby S a gender.  I have no idea if it's a boy or a girl.  I am starting to feel little bubbly twitches which I am interpreting to be kicks from baby.  The first time I felt it was about a week ago in my bed one night.  Just one or two little twitches, and then before I could stop and touch my belly, it stopped.  Then a few times when I have been at work and I have been around loud kids then go to the quiet office to do notes, I feel it again.  Tonight, after our walk as I sit I feel little bubbles popping right in the middle and a few on the sides.  "Beep beep!"  Here I am come, Mom...

It's getting really real that I am about to become a mom.  I think finding out if it's a little boy or girl will really make it real for me.  So far, I've been reserved.  I just started really wearing my maternity shirts to work this week.  18 weeks ago, I wondered if I would ever get pregnant... and now, I am almost half way to having a baby.

I never would have thought in my wildest dreams that Chris and I would be having our first baby this soon.  So far, life has been a bunch of little surprises.  Most of them I like... some of them I wonder about.

While there is a lot of anxiety about where life will take me lately, I continue to get a sense of peace when I come back home to my howly pup and loving husband.  This house continues to feel more like our home and I find myself not wanting to get in a car and go anywhere during the week nights.  It is truly a haven to me.  I guess a baby will just bring it all together.

I am trying to learn to trust that God will provide.  Financially, with wisdom, with support, and with our faith.  This week our bible study was supposed to read a bunch of different versions of Psalm 23.  I found a tiny bible I had bought for seminary.  Some how the words phrased this way have brought me much needed peace about how God provides a table for us.  He provides peace and rest for us.  And he guides us but also corrects us.  Sometimes with all of these new adventures in my life, I do feel like a lost sheep.  It was nice to know that I wasn't the only one in life who often wonders what all this aimless wandering is for and if I am even doing it right.  Somehow, I felt a little bit a peace knowing that God will provide because that's his promise to us. 

Just as the flutters in my belly have made me question if that baby is there and finally showing up in my life, I have, too, said, "God, are you telling me something?"... I sit in wonder this week.  A little excited, more so nervous, for the journey ahead. 

For once in my life, I am not pushing for time to go faster.  I am slowly taking these changes one day at a time.  For once, I am not ready for transition.  For once, I am looking for God to give me peace before I take steps forward.  Only this time, I don't have the option to stop.  Time moves on, baby keeps growing, time to arrival nears.  I guess I better lie down in green pastures now... only a few more months and I won't be asking if the baby is in there, but I will be learning to be a mother. 


The LORD is my shepherd;
I have all that I need.2 He lets me rest in green meadows;
he leads me beside peaceful streams.3 He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths,
bringing honor to his name.4 Even when I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will not be afraid,
for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff
protect and comfort me.5 You prepare a feast for me
in the presence of my enemies.
You honor me by anointing my head with oil.
My cup overflows with blessings.6 Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me
all the days of my life,
and I will live in the house of the LORD
forever.