Less than two weeks from now, I can give Baby S a gender. I have no idea if it's a boy or a girl. I am starting to feel little bubbly twitches which I am interpreting to be kicks from baby. The first time I felt it was about a week ago in my bed one night. Just one or two little twitches, and then before I could stop and touch my belly, it stopped. Then a few times when I have been at work and I have been around loud kids then go to the quiet office to do notes, I feel it again. Tonight, after our walk as I sit I feel little bubbles popping right in the middle and a few on the sides. "Beep beep!" Here I am come, Mom...
It's getting really real that I am about to become a mom. I think finding out if it's a little boy or girl will really make it real for me. So far, I've been reserved. I just started really wearing my maternity shirts to work this week. 18 weeks ago, I wondered if I would ever get pregnant... and now, I am almost half way to having a baby.
I never would have thought in my wildest dreams that Chris and I would be having our first baby this soon. So far, life has been a bunch of little surprises. Most of them I like... some of them I wonder about.
While there is a lot of anxiety about where life will take me lately, I continue to get a sense of peace when I come back home to my howly pup and loving husband. This house continues to feel more like our home and I find myself not wanting to get in a car and go anywhere during the week nights. It is truly a haven to me. I guess a baby will just bring it all together.
I am trying to learn to trust that God will provide. Financially, with wisdom, with support, and with our faith. This week our bible study was supposed to read a bunch of different versions of Psalm 23. I found a tiny bible I had bought for seminary. Some how the words phrased this way have brought me much needed peace about how God provides a table for us. He provides peace and rest for us. And he guides us but also corrects us. Sometimes with all of these new adventures in my life, I do feel like a lost sheep. It was nice to know that I wasn't the only one in life who often wonders what all this aimless wandering is for and if I am even doing it right. Somehow, I felt a little bit a peace knowing that God will provide because that's his promise to us.
Just as the flutters in my belly have made me question if that baby is there and finally showing up in my life, I have, too, said, "God, are you telling me something?"... I sit in wonder this week. A little excited, more so nervous, for the journey ahead.
For once in my life, I am not pushing for time to go faster. I am slowly taking these changes one day at a time. For once, I am not ready for transition. For once, I am looking for God to give me peace before I take steps forward. Only this time, I don't have the option to stop. Time moves on, baby keeps growing, time to arrival nears. I guess I better lie down in green pastures now... only a few more months and I won't be asking if the baby is in there, but I will be learning to be a mother.
The LORD is my shepherd;
I have all that I need.2 He lets me rest in green meadows;
he leads me beside peaceful streams.3 He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths,
bringing honor to his name.4 Even when I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will not be afraid,
for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff
protect and comfort me.5 You prepare a feast for me
in the presence of my enemies.
You honor me by anointing my head with oil.
My cup overflows with blessings.6 Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me
all the days of my life,
and I will live in the house of the LORD
forever.
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