The Catch 22 of the Day...

Today is little lady's first day at school.  I call it school because they have curriculum and the idea of daycare still creeps me out.  She and I have talked about school, and I guess she's been telling me she is ready to play with some kids.  She loves her best friend, Milo, a 1 year old who is just 6 weeks behind her.  They used to ignore one another, but now are constantly pushing, touching, and starting to interact.  She is much more alert and curious.  She is constantly on the move.  She is more independent, eating small bites of food on her own and giving herself her bottle or sippy cup.  She is going to walk any day.  She stands up independently for at least 20 seconds, and then she screams in delight.  Yesterday, she was busy playing for hours and appeared restless that I cornered her off to three rooms.  She was picking up toys, and she listened to me read books.  She played in the bath tub and splashed, splashed, splashed.  She's pretty much all packed and ready to go... 

Meanwhile, I am in awe that the 8 pound baby I delivered 49 weeks ago, is now a small little person moving all over the house and getting into everything.  One year of my life has completely changed who I am, what I do, and how I live my life.  So much of the drama, stressed out, over worked person is in my past.  I have cleaned out toxic people from my interactions, toxic foods from our pantry, and poor habits that were making us feel guilty.  Contrastingly, I have found so much joy in being a mom first and a therapist second.  I have found so much contentment making our home and keeping our lives most days (you know there are other days that get a little overwhelming).  And since I have already changed so much in a year, I was just starting to feel like we were in sync.  I felt like I knew what she wanted when she squeaks.  I felt like I knew when she was just whining because her car was stuck or she couldn't reach something...

To me, she's still a little baby.  She still makes me want to wrap her up and cuddle her for hours.  But she doesn't want that most of the time.  She wants to play, to learn, to talk, to yell, to move, to crawl, to explore.  I see her mind processing so much information.  I don't want to limit her.

I have gotten to a point in my career where I am stuck.  I can't do anymore at home without taking away from her, and I can't do anymore at work without doing things well.  With over 30 clients, I am bursting at the seems.  I have the demand to see more and do more and I want to, but I also feel guilty letting a stranger raise my child for 8 hours of a day.  Unfortunately, daycare doesn't let you pay by the hour...  I also know she needs interactions with other kids, so she doesn't become that socially awkward home school kid who thinks the world revolves around them and has no ability to listen, follow directions and play with other kids.

So... here we are... That catch 22 that most my mom friends have already dealt with.  I learned this year in my women's ministry that we have to say no to good things, so we can do the great things.  I have been at home with her for 49 weeks... a mega maternity leave, and I am only going back for 2 days a week.  The feelings are the same in a way as if I had left her after 12 weeks.  She is still my baby.  She is still the most precious cargo I have ever had to make decisions about.  But I know we will both do much greater things when we say yes to this and no to the comfort of being at home alone together all the time.

 

Her bag is packed, outfit laid out.  I am about to wake her up.  I just needed a moment to process that she's not a tiny infant anymore.  I am ready to let her go for a bit.  Don't think I won't be at the daycare for several hours this morning as she adjusts....  Ugh, being a parent is so hard.  So much love, so much pain.  But it's all worth it...