One Year to a New Me

This Sunday, KK turns 1!  I am not sure how 358 days have passed, but I guess they have!  I look back at her hospital pictures and she is like a little kid now instead of a newborn.  So much takes place in this first year.  We have already been through so much and she has no conscious memory of any of it.  I remember those first moments.  After my C-Section, I heard a little baby scream and then quickly settle down once they cuddled her up.  I think back to the pain, the feelings of newness, the wondering.  After years of working stressed out day after day, I welcomed being stuck alone with Chris and this tiny person for four days in one room.  We talked, held each other, and just were alone.  We weren't planning, cleaning, doing, but we just sat together.  For days, I was just trying to get back to basic body functions while trying to feed, cuddle, and dress up this tiny little person who is now my little side kick. 

I remember looking at tiny fingers and tiny toes, listening to snorts and baby breaths, her pudgy cheeks and trying to figure out where she got all of her features.  I felt like an empty vessel, almost used to being pregnant, and now she was in my arms and not in my belly.  There was so much new and so much foreign that I didn't know just how much my life would never be the same.  

This journey that can take place in a year is one that makes the word "transition" truly meaningful.  I've become someone new, someone different.  I have moved forward in so many ways with my dreams, but let go of so much that I thought was important. 

I had no idea one year could do so much.  I had no idea that my heart could grow so much.  I had no idea I could love so deep, and I had no idea I could sleep so little.  If I learned anything, it was to pray constantly, follow my gut, and close doors that lead to unnecessary heart ache.  I have learned that the dearest people in your life are family and people who love the Lord so that in turn they can love you.  I have learned what evil looks like in people, whether it be greed or malice, and I have found ways to stop feeling sorry and just say, I have to protect what I love including myself.  I have set boundaries and stopped feeling sorry for those who spend life feeling sorry for themselves.  I have found joy, and I am willing to share it as long as it doesn't cost me losing mine. 

I have learned who I want to be, and I keep striving to be her.  I have learned to be messy, and learned to try harder.  I have learned to say what I need instead of thinking I can do it all myself.  I have learned to say no, learned to depend on God to provide, and I have learned to forgive.  I have learned to trust, learned to stop caring so much, and learned that the best parts of myself are unseen by the human eye. 

My new normal is far greater than any normal I've had, but it's harder.  Before I gave birth a fortune cookie I got said, "Life always gets harder closer to the summit", and it truly was a sign of what was to come.  In the last year, I have tried to selflessly love KK and so in turn I have changed.  In turn I have been humbled.  I learned I couldn't do it, be it, live it, and give it all the time, and some how there is so much freedom in that.  While there are moments I have no idea what I am doing and I am buried in the depths of my own drama, I realized I am so much farther ahead.  Last year, I was buried at work in a job I had no control over.  I was exhausted.  I had no hobbies, no passion, no ability to feel like I had a say in my life because by the time I was done working, there was no more "Me" left.  Now, I have a new me... my mommy me, and I will never go back to that old life.  Not for money, fame, or ease.  Thank you little lady... for helping me to be the me I always wanted to be...  I had no idea I would gain so much by being a mother.  I always thought it was a job where you gave and got little in return, a thankless job... but I have found, it's not what I have gained from her but through loving her that has made all the difference in me.  Maybe I just had to learn how to love myself through loving my child and realizing what a gift each of us truly are.  God truly does create us in His image to do good work in us and through us, and I finally see just how deep the Father's love is.  All of that in one year.  She's a pretty good teacher...