While I love our typical NYE tradition of Chinese takeout and watching movies together, I can't help but feel like I am not really ready to be done with this year. I am not really ready to put KK in daycare. I'm not really ready to admit that "maternity leave" is truly over, has been over for awhile, and I am way past due on burning off those last 15 pregnancy pounds... I think I've been living in a place of survival because right when I felt settled another big change occurred that threw us off our routine. Another big change... vacation, maternity leave ending, quitting my job, running full time practice, grandma dying, baby being born, baby growing up.. just a lot of changes for one year. Becoming a parent has completely and totally changed my life. Hard to remember which was is up some days...
Where does time go? Why does it go so fast? One day seems so short lately. One day truly seems like blinking. It's hard to savor moments and enjoy gatherings because lately they just all go so quickly, and then we're off again to the next thing, the next day, week or celebration. 10 diaper changes, three meals and two snacks, two naps, one night sleep, and several dog trips outside. There are so many times this year I've said, when is the last time I saw so-and-so and I think, "that many years?" Eww, I am so close to 30, I can smell it. I am not closer to 21 than 30. I am more middle aged than teenaged, and finality of life became real when the grandma who had been through it all and more passed this year.
I try to savor every moment. I have rocked KK for hours and just prayed over her and sang to her. I have snuggled my hunny at night time and just recalled our memories, but more of my life these days is a series of chore combinations: laundry, cooking, dusting, vacuuming, bed making, bill paying, mail sorting, toy cleaning, diaper changing, formula making, baby feeding, baby washing, baby playing, carpet cleaning, bed making, floor cleaning, paperwork writing... woof. I feel like I am on repeat and fast forward and I look in the mirror some days and think, wow, I am not a young lady anymore. I am just a lady... : /
I have so many goals this year I didn't reach (but so many goals I met and surpassed). I have so many people I wanted to see and places I wanted to go, but it just didn't happen. I had so many workouts I meant to do. I had so many ways to improve my business that got side tracked. I am getting to that age where there is always something more you could be doing... but then I don't... My endless cup of motivation is sucked dry by maintaining what I have that I don't really go too far and beyond these days. I used to spend extra hours working and creating things for work, and now I just show up. I get behind in areas that I never did before. It's all conscious, and it stresses me out because I am still just having trouble balancing it all, saying no to the extras, and not feeling guilty when I don't meet my standard anymore.
There are so many naps I wish I had, so many vacations I wish we took, and so many dinners with friends we never planned. So much Candy Crush instead of conversation... so much TV and facebook instead of spending good face-to-face time... so much mindless wandering through my pantry instead of being mindful about my time and my choices. I get side tracked on stupid things for hours when you add it all up but sometimes those mindless escapes are all you have time for when you are booked from rise to fall. For this season of my life, a few minutes of moving colored candies to defeat a level of chocolate is my vacation after a long day or week. It's not extended weekends by the beach or a week long trip out of the country... it's just doing the day in and the day out.
Chris and I have done New Years Resolutions for a few years. We usually do well until something big happens... a vacation that gets us off task, an unexpected death, a baby... but I want to try to refocus and be mindful. Maybe throw a blanket over the TV and try to ignore it in the evening. Maybe set a work schedule and dial things back a bit. Maybe, just maybe, call a friend once a week to say hello.. Something... But I need to hit my reset button and I am not quite ready. About eight hours until the clock strikes midnight. Am I ready for 2014? No, but it's coming ready or not, so I hope we can be mindful tonight.. maybe plan how to regain control in 2014....
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