Another Transition

Yesterday, I was told that I would be reassigned to another school and leaving my current little charter school.  I had a crazy stressed out last year and was fairly confirmed working with that school was not my long-term career path, but the news of little Siegl coming sort of sped up my urgency to find a job that was not harmful to me emotionally and mentally.  The school atmosphere had dramatically changed since I had started and many of the best teachers were leaving in droves and the remaining ones were contemplating leaving.  It was always a whirlwind of dysfunction when trying to find out what the procedures were, what was happening, and how it would all work out.  The staff and the kids were often stressed and feeling chaotic.  I felt chaotic.  So, after a bit of discussions, my bosses heard me and made a move for me.

Today and tomorrow is the daunting task of telling twenty families I have worked with that I won't be there anymore, and there isn't someone to replace me (at least for the time being).  I have twenty little faces I have gotten used to seeing some for well over a year.  While I only had about seven returning to the school I would be at, I know many of those families will be heart broken.  My job allows families who can barely afford to drive to school to get therapy at school and in classroom support services using their Medicaid insurance (aka, no cost to them), and it allows them monthly access to a psychiatrist if they need it to get the medications that help many of those kids remain in school.  Without those services at their school, the families will need to find a therapist else where.  For some, the extra stressor will mean the child probably won't get therapy, and definitely won't get the supports as often as they were provided.  While my life skills specialist is staying for the time being, it feels sad to know that the relationships I built are coming to a screaming halt.

In one week, I will have already moved in and started meeting a group of new families.  Forty of them to be exact.  I will be in a new school, with new staff, new administration, new support staff, and new everything.  Did I mention how much I hate transitions?  They make me sick to my stomach (more so now that I am preggo).  I don't like the unknown.

I was reading John Ortberg's "The Me I Want to Be" before I went into my meeting.  It talked about holding onto life more softly, even letting go.  In the process of letting go, God will take over and it will all work out and in the process you will feel more at ease.  By asking God to let you let go and focusing on God taking over rather than "trying to be less anxious and more controlled", a gradual release of anxiety and pressure should occur.  So there I lay at midnight last night picturing myself  on a beach with God (I like the long white bearded image in all white with cute Birkenstock sandals).  "Watch the waves, don't I take care of them coming in and out?... and the sun, don't I take care of it rising and falling?" And I realized, God does take care of so many bigger things.  The world doesn't fall apart.  Sure there is brokenness and sure bad things happen, but the bigger picture, don't people in hind sight always have that clarity that "it worked out for a reason" or "there was a lesson learned in the struggle"....

 It reminded me of the new Duke energy commercials lately that talk about they think about all the behind the scenes stuff so the costumer doesn't have to.   I guess that's what, in my middle dream state with Tylenol PM, I was imagining.  That God takes care of the biggest pieces of the world, why couldn't He handle this?  He can handle each child's sadness, each family's stress, He can handle my anxiety, my future, my plans in the next year.  God is able to do immeasurably more than I could even imagine, and I worry???

^{20 "}Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God,"Romans 4:20

Somewhere in the next few days, I have to learn to let go.  I have to trust that this was meant to be.  My time and season was over.  And as much as it hurts and makes me sick to think of the stress that puts on to others, I know things like this happen.  It did when I left my last job in a whim, and it did when I left my grad school caseload.  People transition.  That's life.  If we aren't moving, we aren't growing.  But yet, I still have to remind myself to let go.  Let go.  Let go... Stop the what if's.  Let God handle it.

Ok, deep breath, it's time to make some calls.  I think I will start with the ones who never answer first....