I've realized in my own counseling that my parents "words of wisdom" have impacted my life to the fullest extent. My dad used to say, "just work hard, Kerrie, and you can do anything you want in life". As I talked to my therapist yesterday, I realized that the reason I am really struggling this season of my life professionally is for the first time the motto didn't work according to plan. I worked really hard to make this job a good fit for me, and yet, powers outside of myself didn't allow me to be happy or successful in it. As I sat there thinking about the last 10 years, I have just worked harder when I didn't get something right in the beginning. At Purdue, I had this horrible STAT class which was taught by a horrible STAT teacher. A girl that sat next to me got an A on everything where I was lost in charts, graphs, and calculations that never made sense. I finally muscled up the courage one day to ask her if she would help me, and she said she would love to. She and I met together before class over diet cokes, and within a couple weeks, I had A's, too. While STAT didn't feel like the best fit for my cognitive abilities, I just kept telling myself, "if I work harder, I can do this".
In most other situations of my life, when times got hard, I just stepped it up and moved forward. As I am in the final hours of my first real professional job, I am struggling to declare I did not fail, it just wasn't the right fit. It wasn't what I wanted. It was not presented truthfully. It was social work, and not the kind of Marriage and Family Therapy that I grew to love with my clients at CTS. It was disappointing that all I had worked towards was not coming together. Kind of like that mountain in Hawaii only this time there is no sunset at the end. Or is there?
My first job paralleled that hike as I am sure many jobs for people look similar to my story. You start out over excited about the journey until you realize just how "real" the journey is. I came out of grad school with this idealistic notion that therapy would be in this pretty private practice model. I would have this ethically wonderful time, and I would go out with my friends after work for dinner. I thought I would have time for a small group or bible study, and that my boss would find my strengths and build me up to be a better clinician. It was like when I turned the bend on the mountain and saw not only was I not even half way up, but it was about to get a lot steeper.
Somewhere in my discouragement, my therapist said, "but you didn't give up". I was a little confused. I said, "but I turned my resignation in 2 weeks ago, remember?" She said, "but you didn't give up on doing God's work". Hmmm.... the world sort of stopped. She said, "you fell off the horse, and you realized you couldn't ride the horse. Not because you can't ride horses, but because the horse you were riding was a bad horse. It takes courage to get back on the horse. You didn't give up on helping people in therapy, and many people do. That takes courage". Courage.... That was one of those words I used to describe my 5 year old self. I used to jump off diving boards, climb TV antenna's, explore woods and corn fields alone, that was courage (now, I won't even go into the basement with the lights off!) It was like she pointed out to me that I am still working hard to get what I want and not actually giving up on myself. I am still riding the horse but just choosing to ride one that's a better fit for me. So as I prepare to get off the wild ride of the horse I've been on for the last few months, I prepare to ride again. Will I be tossed off? Will I learn I am a bad jockey? Will I decide I hate riding? Will I want to change horses again? I am not sure I will know those answers until I try, so for now, I won't give up. I will keep climbing that mountain because God's plan for my life has got to be bigger and better than where I've been the last six months no matter how hard it is to keep the courage to keep trying.
1 Chronicles 28:20
David also said to Solomon his son, "Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the LORD is finished.
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