It's December 28th and like most years, I am fathoming the dreaded post-holiday diet. But this year is more than just losing those holiday ruffles and flubber, it's preparing my body, soul, and mind for my wedding and future with Mr. Siegl. (No pressure to drop another 15 pounds). I was going to start the day with weighing myself. As I type out my blog, I wonder how much more material I can come up with before I actually have go into the bathroom and step on that scale. I sort of ate whatever I wanted for the last 3 weeks which was not part of the holiday plan for 2010.
What is it about holiday gatherings that sometimes feel like they are all about being glutenous? I am sure Mary and Joseph didn't have a feast over baby Jesus in the manger... Yet, some how, we stuff ourselves with food and gifts so much so that we all feel guilt bringing in the new year. Our stomachs are guilty, our checkbooks are guilty, and our relationship with God are a little guilty, too. At least that's how I feel after Christmas. So instead of waiting until 2011, I decided I want to reclaim the last 72 hours of 2010. I don't want to go out of this year with guilt, but with celebration. I had so much joy this year: getting engaged, graduating, getting a job (and a second), and all those other firsts for being out in the real world. I counted that I worked with over 150 people in my practice so far, and did close to 700 hours of therapy in 2010. That's got to count for something. Prior to today's weigh in, I had lost 10 pounds since grad school graduation. I know I will remember 2010 for those things that were celebrations, not for the disappointments of a failed first job, unstable finances, and petty arguments with people.
For 2011, my goal is to be a healthy bride. No numbers, no goal weight, no specific expectations. I want to cut down my calorie in-take and increase my workouts. I want to cook at home and not go out to eat as often. I want to save my money and start giving back again. I want to be appreciative for the provision in my life. I want to be joyful for my blessings.
The last chapter of my "Wonder Woman" book talked about letting go of our "control top" panty hose. She talked about the relief one feels when you take off the need to hold it all together. I have worn one of those spanx things before for weddings and dancing. Normally, they cover this little lump on my sides right above my hip or my belly button in a thin dress. It's like smashing all your fat together to make you thinner??? But the relief when you take one of those things off is AMAZING. Most of the time, I will press my belly out as far as I can, slouch my posture and just turn into a standing lump of human Jello. The idea behind letting go of the metaphorical control top wasn't to be a big lazy slouch, but to "let go and let God" and stop trying to hold it all together.
Most people know, I am a wee-bit neurotic. OK, maybe more than a wee-bit... Color coordinated closet that changes seasonally, rolled underwear arranged by style, labeled drawers in the office and my bedroom, etc, etc, etc. It's just on certain things, but sometimes my desire to be in control sucks away any dependency or trust I might give to others, especially God. I normally wait until I realize everything I have tried isn't working and if I am going to survive than I need to have the Big Man come step in. Then I ask him for help. And all of the unexpected trials of trust and dependancy in the last three months confirm God is no longer meekly requesting that I change my attitude. He is encouraging me to trust for his provision in a number of ways and continuing to tell me to trust His timing, not mine. Now I just have to figure out how to let go and how to feel remotely safe or comfortable with God. How do you feel comfortable with your body after you've worn spanx all the time... How do you just let everything loose....
Normally for the new year diets I have a regimented system: a food journal, a weight chart in the bathroom, a work out chart, and specific rules and goals for myself. Rather than turn this "returning to weight loss" into another year of neurotic and controlled dieting, I want to find balance. I want to push myself to do more, but allow myself the flexibility to not meet a number goal. I still want to treat myself and figure out a way to not have it all together so I don't feel like I am trying to do the impossible on a daily basis. Now there's a new year's resolution.... "I want to let go of the control in my life"... Not the average American tendency for a NY resolution.... But I think there is a need to step back and realize what God is at work in doing in my life. His timing and His plan are looking a bit sketchy to me with having to leave job number one, a speeding ticket, a ripped coat, rashes that knock me out of work for a week, a huge COBRA bill, and still trying to find a sense of financial and situational security. I think I foresee God saying, "oh you think this is bad, kiddo... wait till we get up the road a bit... then the road will get rocky"... "Gee, thanks, God" I will kindly reply... "I saw that easy road a few years back, and you said we couldn't go that way because that wasn't my plan, but are you sure we can't turn around now?"...
The more I learn about this journey, the more I realize it's no easy ride. Sometimes we have to take the bull by the horns, other times we have to let God be our rescuer. It's hard to find that balance between saving ourselves and having a savior. One thing I know for sure is that God is not going to melt off 10 pounds that I probably gained from being a piglet over Christmas. That means if I am going to be in control of anything, I need to suck it up and be brave (while still allowing myself the freedom to enjoy this season of my life). I have to trust the process of weight loss and the first step is discovering my damage OK... it's time for the scale... (I promise I won't make a chart...)
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