A Light in the Darkness

As I gazed out my window this morning to a thick blanket of new snow my first thoughts were.... "Glad I don't have to drive to the south side again today".  Normally, on Thursday nights I would drive to Beech Grove then to the far east side for two appointments that normally ended around 9:30pm after a day of sitting in the office doing paperwork from 9am til 3:30 pm.  Thursday nights were notorious for migraine headaches.  Not sure why, but my guess was it was the end of the week, and I was probably tired, dehydrated, and ready for the weekend.  But this Thursday (outside of Thanksgiving) is the first evening I have had free since mid-June.  Nothing could be more fitting than the fact that tonight is the night I will try on MY wedding dress for the very first time.  It's beautiful in the sample, but this one is mine.  Each bead was sewn on just for me.  The material has never been worn or tried on by anyone else but me.  For the first time in my life, I have something that's just mine and no one else's.  This dress is so special because when I tried it on in the sample, it fit like a glove, like it was made for me.  For the first time in my life, I wasn't thinking, "look at my fat arms or my big hips", I felt like a princess; a beautiful bride.  Contrast that to the over-tired social worker, and I think you get my picture.  I think being surrounded by half my bridal party, relieved that I am on my way to my new life will be an amazing way to start to my 18 day journey to finding Kerrie again.

I know it's silly to think that one dress can mean so much to someone.  I suppose it's more than the dress... it's how it makes me feel when I am in it.  It's the picture in my mind when I tried it on.  I immediately saw me walking down the stairs of the Grand Hallway with my dad (who was sniffling down the stairs with me) and I have my eyes fixed at the end of that aisle:  Chris in his tux smiling at me and a room full of people that I love and who love me in return.  The light would shine through the stained glass windows, and I would have butterflies in my stomach.  Some how everything would just make sense.  Some how it would be one of those moments that would make my purpose seem real.  See I've known for three years I was meant to marry this man, he just took a little longer to come to the same realization.  So the fact that this dress means I am so much closer to the day I get to be his wife, I get all warm and fuzzy inside just thinking about it.

I wonder if all of this is playing out just as it's supposed to.  Maybe I was meant to work at my first company because I needed to see the extremes of things.  I cannot tell you how much more I appreciate things since I experienced that.  But I know God ended everything with me in mind.  Last night the other worker and the parents told my new co-worker, I was the best therapist they ever worked with and that I was instrumental in keeping the placement.  They talked for a few minutes about my strengths and how I had been helpful, and I thought, "Maybe I did make a difference... Maybe, just maybe, I am on the right path"...

I know this all seems jumpy, but to me it's starting to come together.  I do have a purpose to be a good wife to my future husband, to be a therapist for families, and to enjoy each day that comes with the perspective that I don't belong here.  Some how God continues to reveal to me the world has evil in it, but that doesn't mean there isn't light.  And the light is something we crave despite darkness being all around.  And God's given me little glimpses of the light, but I often think, "But God look at all of this darkness" rather than marveling in the light.  Today, I read the scripture from the Message in 2 Cor. 4:
Trial and Torture

^1-2Since God has so generously let us in on what he is doing, we're not about to throw up our hands and walk off the job just because we run into occasional hard times. We refuse to wear masks and play games. We don't maneuver and manipulate behind the scenes. And we don't twist God's Word to suit ourselves. Rather, we keep everything we do and say out in the open, the whole truth on display, so that those who want to can see and judge for themselves in the presence of God.

 ^3-4If our Message is obscure to anyone, it's not because we're holding back in any way. No, it's because these other people are looking or going the wrong way and refuse to give it serious attention. All they have eyes for is the fashionable god of darkness. They think he can give them what they want, and that they won't have to bother believing a Truth they can't see. They're stone-blind to the dayspring brightness of the Message that shines with Christ, who gives us the best picture of God we'll ever get.

 ^5-6Remember, our Message is not about ourselves; we're proclaiming Jesus Christ, the Master. All we are is messengers, errand runners from Jesus for you. It started when God said, "Light up the darkness!" and our lives filled up with light as we saw and understood God in the face of Christ, all bright and beautiful.

 ^7-12If you only look at us, you might well miss the brightness. We carry this precious Message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives. That's to prevent anyone from confusing God's incomparable power with us. As it is, there's not much chance of that. You know for yourselves that we're not much to look at. We've been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we're not demoralized; we're not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we've been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn't left our side; we've been thrown down, but we haven't broken. What they did to Jesus, they do to us—trial and torture, mockery and murder; what Jesus did among them, he does in us—he lives! Our lives are at constant risk for Jesus' sake, which makes Jesus' life all the more evident in us. While we're going through the worst, you're getting in on the best!

 ^13-15We're not keeping this quiet, not on your life. Just like the psalmist who wrote, "I believed it, so I said it," we say what we believe. And what we believe is that the One who raised up the Master Jesus will just as certainly raise us up with you, alive. Every detail works to your advantage and to God's glory: more and more grace, more and more people, more and more praise!

 ^16-18So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever. 


My small potatoes do not compare to the larger picture.  My walk up the mountain is one of millions, but God knows each of my steps and makes them count toward His bigger pictures.  That's pretty cool.  And in the mean time, I am going to try to cling to those moments that God provides me with that are light and fuel for my soul.  The snowflakes, the love of family and friends, worship and vision, puppies, wedding dresses, and all of those things that remind me of that light.  I can only imagine how amazing that true light will be when all of the darkness is stripped away.  I am pretty sure, I won't be thinking of the darkness anymore...  So here's to finding the light in my life again...