It's December 28th and like most years, I am fathoming the dreaded post-holiday diet. But this year is more than just losing those holiday ruffles and flubber, it's preparing my body, soul, and mind for my wedding and future with Mr. Siegl. (No pressure to drop another 15 pounds). I was going to start the day with weighing myself. As I type out my blog, I wonder how much more material I can come up with before I actually have go into the bathroom and step on that scale. I sort of ate whatever I wanted for the last 3 weeks which was not part of the holiday plan for 2010.
What is it about holiday gatherings that sometimes feel like they are all about being glutenous? I am sure Mary and Joseph didn't have a feast over baby Jesus in the manger... Yet, some how, we stuff ourselves with food and gifts so much so that we all feel guilt bringing in the new year. Our stomachs are guilty, our checkbooks are guilty, and our relationship with God are a little guilty, too. At least that's how I feel after Christmas. So instead of waiting until 2011, I decided I want to reclaim the last 72 hours of 2010. I don't want to go out of this year with guilt, but with celebration. I had so much joy this year: getting engaged, graduating, getting a job (and a second), and all those other firsts for being out in the real world. I counted that I worked with over 150 people in my practice so far, and did close to 700 hours of therapy in 2010. That's got to count for something. Prior to today's weigh in, I had lost 10 pounds since grad school graduation. I know I will remember 2010 for those things that were celebrations, not for the disappointments of a failed first job, unstable finances, and petty arguments with people.
For 2011, my goal is to be a healthy bride. No numbers, no goal weight, no specific expectations. I want to cut down my calorie in-take and increase my workouts. I want to cook at home and not go out to eat as often. I want to save my money and start giving back again. I want to be appreciative for the provision in my life. I want to be joyful for my blessings.
The last chapter of my "Wonder Woman" book talked about letting go of our "control top" panty hose. She talked about the relief one feels when you take off the need to hold it all together. I have worn one of those spanx things before for weddings and dancing. Normally, they cover this little lump on my sides right above my hip or my belly button in a thin dress. It's like smashing all your fat together to make you thinner??? But the relief when you take one of those things off is AMAZING. Most of the time, I will press my belly out as far as I can, slouch my posture and just turn into a standing lump of human Jello. The idea behind letting go of the metaphorical control top wasn't to be a big lazy slouch, but to "let go and let God" and stop trying to hold it all together.
Most people know, I am a wee-bit neurotic. OK, maybe more than a wee-bit... Color coordinated closet that changes seasonally, rolled underwear arranged by style, labeled drawers in the office and my bedroom, etc, etc, etc. It's just on certain things, but sometimes my desire to be in control sucks away any dependency or trust I might give to others, especially God. I normally wait until I realize everything I have tried isn't working and if I am going to survive than I need to have the Big Man come step in. Then I ask him for help. And all of the unexpected trials of trust and dependancy in the last three months confirm God is no longer meekly requesting that I change my attitude. He is encouraging me to trust for his provision in a number of ways and continuing to tell me to trust His timing, not mine. Now I just have to figure out how to let go and how to feel remotely safe or comfortable with God. How do you feel comfortable with your body after you've worn spanx all the time... How do you just let everything loose....
Normally for the new year diets I have a regimented system: a food journal, a weight chart in the bathroom, a work out chart, and specific rules and goals for myself. Rather than turn this "returning to weight loss" into another year of neurotic and controlled dieting, I want to find balance. I want to push myself to do more, but allow myself the flexibility to not meet a number goal. I still want to treat myself and figure out a way to not have it all together so I don't feel like I am trying to do the impossible on a daily basis. Now there's a new year's resolution.... "I want to let go of the control in my life"... Not the average American tendency for a NY resolution.... But I think there is a need to step back and realize what God is at work in doing in my life. His timing and His plan are looking a bit sketchy to me with having to leave job number one, a speeding ticket, a ripped coat, rashes that knock me out of work for a week, a huge COBRA bill, and still trying to find a sense of financial and situational security. I think I foresee God saying, "oh you think this is bad, kiddo... wait till we get up the road a bit... then the road will get rocky"... "Gee, thanks, God" I will kindly reply... "I saw that easy road a few years back, and you said we couldn't go that way because that wasn't my plan, but are you sure we can't turn around now?"...
The more I learn about this journey, the more I realize it's no easy ride. Sometimes we have to take the bull by the horns, other times we have to let God be our rescuer. It's hard to find that balance between saving ourselves and having a savior. One thing I know for sure is that God is not going to melt off 10 pounds that I probably gained from being a piglet over Christmas. That means if I am going to be in control of anything, I need to suck it up and be brave (while still allowing myself the freedom to enjoy this season of my life). I have to trust the process of weight loss and the first step is discovering my damage OK... it's time for the scale... (I promise I won't make a chart...)
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
Breath of Fresh Air
As I sit listening to Christmas music while looking at pictures of puppies, my wedding flowers, and thinking about the future, I become enthralled with all of the warm emotions that have been missing for awhile. My chest is no longer tight, and I feel giddy. (I guess two weeks of vacation will do that to you). It's not that the last six months of time have been horrible because there were some really awesome things that did happen, but since, I've been out of my first job, I recognize just how suffocated I was becoming.
It reminded me of my high school health class. We were talking about the long-term effects of smoking and our teacher (Doc Franciosi) handed to us a straw. In order to understand what it was like to have emphysema, we were to place the straw in our mouth like a scuba tube, plug our nose with our hand, and only breathe through the straw. Within seconds, I remember thinking this is really hard. Then he asked us to stand up and jump up and down ten times. I kept breathing through the straw, but, eventually, I unplugged my nose and ripped the straw out of my mouth. I took a huge deep breath and thought to myself, "why would anyone put themselves through this?" Immediately, I thought of my dad and grandma who have smoked over a pack a day for 50+ years each. I promised myself, not only would I not smoke, but I would be aware of the effects of things on my body including drugs, medicines, stress, etc.
I kept this mentality in grad school constantly talking about how my foundational beliefs for health and wellness came from the idea of centering yourself and finding balance. I talked to clients about find balance because a stretching rubber band pulled into many different directions eventually snaps. Looking back only four days ago, I felt like snapping when I was at work and often throughout the weekends and evenings. I am not sure what all made me feel that way, but so often, I think God closes doors or causes tension so we can move to where we are meant to be. I learned from that tension and experienced it in the same way I experienced that lesson with the straw... "whenever you can't seem to breathe, rip away all barriers that keep you from feeling your best". I know that for my sanity, my sense of self, and my purpose in my work I needed to leave. It's only been a short time, but the remorse and sadness for quitting dies a little more each day. I only grieve the loss of relationships with a couple amazing co-workers and causes one more loss to children who have lost more than most will ever know. However, since I quit, I can breathe again... I am starting to feel like myself again. Sleeping only eight hours and feeling rested is probably the first sign I am on my way back to me. I do not feel that tightening in my chest at any point in the day that was a mixed feelings of panic attack and indigestion. I haven't had a migraine in days. I feel hopeful and want to make decisions. I think the cloud has lifted... I am taking in a breath of fresh air.
Some people work in the industry so long in jobs they hate just to pay the bills. They grumble over their lunch breaks to anyone who will listen, barrage their family with their stress and annoyances, and constantly complain. They can't breathe but they refuse to just let go. Sometimes we are meant to leave or back away, and not everything is about "fighting through" or "toughing it out". I have a few people in my life who seem to fit this bill, and I keep thinking, "why stay? Life's too short to not work at something you have passion for?" I know some people don't have a choice about the perfect job, but there are good fits and bad ones. I know very few people, conversely, who walk in shoes that constantly cause blisters, eat foods that make them sick, or live near people they can't stand... so why work a job you don't enjoy?
New vow to self: Find a place to breathe, a place to live, a place to run, a place to serve, and a place to love with joy, peace, and passion.
I am not saying to hide away in a plush palace of joy and ignorance to the world and people, but just finding a place where I can serve and be served. A one way vessel eventually runs dry, and I want to be renewed day by day as I renew others. I think God designed the system that way. God closed one door for me by cutting off my breath, pulling my carpet out from under me, and shaking my cage, but in that, I am finder how to live more deeply.
Like in James 1:2-4, "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." I am just trying to get closer and closer to the life God has planned for me, even if that means finding a little more room to breathe...
It reminded me of my high school health class. We were talking about the long-term effects of smoking and our teacher (Doc Franciosi) handed to us a straw. In order to understand what it was like to have emphysema, we were to place the straw in our mouth like a scuba tube, plug our nose with our hand, and only breathe through the straw. Within seconds, I remember thinking this is really hard. Then he asked us to stand up and jump up and down ten times. I kept breathing through the straw, but, eventually, I unplugged my nose and ripped the straw out of my mouth. I took a huge deep breath and thought to myself, "why would anyone put themselves through this?" Immediately, I thought of my dad and grandma who have smoked over a pack a day for 50+ years each. I promised myself, not only would I not smoke, but I would be aware of the effects of things on my body including drugs, medicines, stress, etc.
I kept this mentality in grad school constantly talking about how my foundational beliefs for health and wellness came from the idea of centering yourself and finding balance. I talked to clients about find balance because a stretching rubber band pulled into many different directions eventually snaps. Looking back only four days ago, I felt like snapping when I was at work and often throughout the weekends and evenings. I am not sure what all made me feel that way, but so often, I think God closes doors or causes tension so we can move to where we are meant to be. I learned from that tension and experienced it in the same way I experienced that lesson with the straw... "whenever you can't seem to breathe, rip away all barriers that keep you from feeling your best". I know that for my sanity, my sense of self, and my purpose in my work I needed to leave. It's only been a short time, but the remorse and sadness for quitting dies a little more each day. I only grieve the loss of relationships with a couple amazing co-workers and causes one more loss to children who have lost more than most will ever know. However, since I quit, I can breathe again... I am starting to feel like myself again. Sleeping only eight hours and feeling rested is probably the first sign I am on my way back to me. I do not feel that tightening in my chest at any point in the day that was a mixed feelings of panic attack and indigestion. I haven't had a migraine in days. I feel hopeful and want to make decisions. I think the cloud has lifted... I am taking in a breath of fresh air.
Some people work in the industry so long in jobs they hate just to pay the bills. They grumble over their lunch breaks to anyone who will listen, barrage their family with their stress and annoyances, and constantly complain. They can't breathe but they refuse to just let go. Sometimes we are meant to leave or back away, and not everything is about "fighting through" or "toughing it out". I have a few people in my life who seem to fit this bill, and I keep thinking, "why stay? Life's too short to not work at something you have passion for?" I know some people don't have a choice about the perfect job, but there are good fits and bad ones. I know very few people, conversely, who walk in shoes that constantly cause blisters, eat foods that make them sick, or live near people they can't stand... so why work a job you don't enjoy?
New vow to self: Find a place to breathe, a place to live, a place to run, a place to serve, and a place to love with joy, peace, and passion.
I am not saying to hide away in a plush palace of joy and ignorance to the world and people, but just finding a place where I can serve and be served. A one way vessel eventually runs dry, and I want to be renewed day by day as I renew others. I think God designed the system that way. God closed one door for me by cutting off my breath, pulling my carpet out from under me, and shaking my cage, but in that, I am finder how to live more deeply.
Like in James 1:2-4, "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." I am just trying to get closer and closer to the life God has planned for me, even if that means finding a little more room to breathe...
Thursday, December 16, 2010
A Light in the Darkness
As I gazed out my window this morning to a thick blanket of new snow my first thoughts were.... "Glad I don't have to drive to the south side again today". Normally, on Thursday nights I would drive to Beech Grove then to the far east side for two appointments that normally ended around 9:30pm after a day of sitting in the office doing paperwork from 9am til 3:30 pm. Thursday nights were notorious for migraine headaches. Not sure why, but my guess was it was the end of the week, and I was probably tired, dehydrated, and ready for the weekend. But this Thursday (outside of Thanksgiving) is the first evening I have had free since mid-June. Nothing could be more fitting than the fact that tonight is the night I will try on MY wedding dress for the very first time. It's beautiful in the sample, but this one is mine. Each bead was sewn on just for me. The material has never been worn or tried on by anyone else but me. For the first time in my life, I have something that's just mine and no one else's. This dress is so special because when I tried it on in the sample, it fit like a glove, like it was made for me. For the first time in my life, I wasn't thinking, "look at my fat arms or my big hips", I felt like a princess; a beautiful bride. Contrast that to the over-tired social worker, and I think you get my picture. I think being surrounded by half my bridal party, relieved that I am on my way to my new life will be an amazing way to start to my 18 day journey to finding Kerrie again.
I know it's silly to think that one dress can mean so much to someone. I suppose it's more than the dress... it's how it makes me feel when I am in it. It's the picture in my mind when I tried it on. I immediately saw me walking down the stairs of the Grand Hallway with my dad (who was sniffling down the stairs with me) and I have my eyes fixed at the end of that aisle: Chris in his tux smiling at me and a room full of people that I love and who love me in return. The light would shine through the stained glass windows, and I would have butterflies in my stomach. Some how everything would just make sense. Some how it would be one of those moments that would make my purpose seem real. See I've known for three years I was meant to marry this man, he just took a little longer to come to the same realization. So the fact that this dress means I am so much closer to the day I get to be his wife, I get all warm and fuzzy inside just thinking about it.
I wonder if all of this is playing out just as it's supposed to. Maybe I was meant to work at my first company because I needed to see the extremes of things. I cannot tell you how much more I appreciate things since I experienced that. But I know God ended everything with me in mind. Last night the other worker and the parents told my new co-worker, I was the best therapist they ever worked with and that I was instrumental in keeping the placement. They talked for a few minutes about my strengths and how I had been helpful, and I thought, "Maybe I did make a difference... Maybe, just maybe, I am on the right path"...
I know this all seems jumpy, but to me it's starting to come together. I do have a purpose to be a good wife to my future husband, to be a therapist for families, and to enjoy each day that comes with the perspective that I don't belong here. Some how God continues to reveal to me the world has evil in it, but that doesn't mean there isn't light. And the light is something we crave despite darkness being all around. And God's given me little glimpses of the light, but I often think, "But God look at all of this darkness" rather than marveling in the light. Today, I read the scripture from the Message in 2 Cor. 4:
Trial and Torture
My small potatoes do not compare to the larger picture. My walk up the mountain is one of millions, but God knows each of my steps and makes them count toward His bigger pictures. That's pretty cool. And in the mean time, I am going to try to cling to those moments that God provides me with that are light and fuel for my soul. The snowflakes, the love of family and friends, worship and vision, puppies, wedding dresses, and all of those things that remind me of that light. I can only imagine how amazing that true light will be when all of the darkness is stripped away. I am pretty sure, I won't be thinking of the darkness anymore... So here's to finding the light in my life again...
I know it's silly to think that one dress can mean so much to someone. I suppose it's more than the dress... it's how it makes me feel when I am in it. It's the picture in my mind when I tried it on. I immediately saw me walking down the stairs of the Grand Hallway with my dad (who was sniffling down the stairs with me) and I have my eyes fixed at the end of that aisle: Chris in his tux smiling at me and a room full of people that I love and who love me in return. The light would shine through the stained glass windows, and I would have butterflies in my stomach. Some how everything would just make sense. Some how it would be one of those moments that would make my purpose seem real. See I've known for three years I was meant to marry this man, he just took a little longer to come to the same realization. So the fact that this dress means I am so much closer to the day I get to be his wife, I get all warm and fuzzy inside just thinking about it.
I wonder if all of this is playing out just as it's supposed to. Maybe I was meant to work at my first company because I needed to see the extremes of things. I cannot tell you how much more I appreciate things since I experienced that. But I know God ended everything with me in mind. Last night the other worker and the parents told my new co-worker, I was the best therapist they ever worked with and that I was instrumental in keeping the placement. They talked for a few minutes about my strengths and how I had been helpful, and I thought, "Maybe I did make a difference... Maybe, just maybe, I am on the right path"...
I know this all seems jumpy, but to me it's starting to come together. I do have a purpose to be a good wife to my future husband, to be a therapist for families, and to enjoy each day that comes with the perspective that I don't belong here. Some how God continues to reveal to me the world has evil in it, but that doesn't mean there isn't light. And the light is something we crave despite darkness being all around. And God's given me little glimpses of the light, but I often think, "But God look at all of this darkness" rather than marveling in the light. Today, I read the scripture from the Message in 2 Cor. 4:
Trial and Torture
1-2Since God has so generously let us in on what he is doing, we're not about to throw up our hands and walk off the job just because we run into occasional hard times. We refuse to wear masks and play games. We don't maneuver and manipulate behind the scenes. And we don't twist God's Word to suit ourselves. Rather, we keep everything we do and say out in the open, the whole truth on display, so that those who want to can see and judge for themselves in the presence of God.
3-4If our Message is obscure to anyone, it's not because we're holding back in any way. No, it's because these other people are looking or going the wrong way and refuse to give it serious attention. All they have eyes for is the fashionable god of darkness. They think he can give them what they want, and that they won't have to bother believing a Truth they can't see. They're stone-blind to the dayspring brightness of the Message that shines with Christ, who gives us the best picture of God we'll ever get.
5-6Remember, our Message is not about ourselves; we're proclaiming Jesus Christ, the Master. All we are is messengers, errand runners from Jesus for you. It started when God said, "Light up the darkness!" and our lives filled up with light as we saw and understood God in the face of Christ, all bright and beautiful.
7-12If you only look at us, you might well miss the brightness. We carry this precious Message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives. That's to prevent anyone from confusing God's incomparable power with us. As it is, there's not much chance of that. You know for yourselves that we're not much to look at. We've been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we're not demoralized; we're not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we've been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn't left our side; we've been thrown down, but we haven't broken. What they did to Jesus, they do to us—trial and torture, mockery and murder; what Jesus did among them, he does in us—he lives! Our lives are at constant risk for Jesus' sake, which makes Jesus' life all the more evident in us. While we're going through the worst, you're getting in on the best!
13-15We're not keeping this quiet, not on your life. Just like the psalmist who wrote, "I believed it, so I said it," we say what we believe. And what we believe is that the One who raised up the Master Jesus will just as certainly raise us up with you, alive. Every detail works to your advantage and to God's glory: more and more grace, more and more people, more and more praise!
16-18So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever. My small potatoes do not compare to the larger picture. My walk up the mountain is one of millions, but God knows each of my steps and makes them count toward His bigger pictures. That's pretty cool. And in the mean time, I am going to try to cling to those moments that God provides me with that are light and fuel for my soul. The snowflakes, the love of family and friends, worship and vision, puppies, wedding dresses, and all of those things that remind me of that light. I can only imagine how amazing that true light will be when all of the darkness is stripped away. I am pretty sure, I won't be thinking of the darkness anymore... So here's to finding the light in my life again...
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
A Beautiful Letdown
So here I sit, the last day at my desk. The clock is moving slower than molasses... I have little to do, so I've been house hunting, confirming appointments for the wedding, and planning out the next 18 days. My desk is empty where as it used to have an array of pictures, a cute lamp from IKEA, toys and art supplies, files galore, and inspirational quotes. It feels lifeless. One person, my friend, Emily, has said she will miss me. Everyone else goes about their work like I never existed. This is not anything different than any other day.
I think about all the transitions I've made in the last five years. Leaving Purdue, moving home, going to seminary, moving to Indy, becoming a therapist, leading small groups, being a resident manager, graduating, moving again, getting engaged, starting my first job: so much change. I have become accustomed to celebrating change with a sense of accomplishment and peace. Today as I stare at three blank walls in my cubicle, it feels like a beautiful letdown. Switchfoot wrote this song called "A Beautiful Letdown", and as I sit here, I see it's the perfect words to describe this experience. Here's the song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYxFEFklMPA):
"Beautiful Letdown"
It was a beautiful let down
When I crashed and burned
When I found myself alone unknown and hurt
It was a beautiful let down
The day I knew
That all the riches this world had to offer me
Would never do
In a world full of bitter pain and bitter doubt
I was trying so hard to fit in, fit in,
Until I found out
I don't belong here
I don't belong here
I will carry a cross and a song where I don't belong
But I don't belong
It was a beautiful let down
When you found me here
Yeah for once in a rare blue moon I see everything clear
I'll be a beautiful let down
That's what I'll forever be
And though it may cost my soul
I'll sing for free
We're still chasin our tails and the rising sun
And our dark water planet's
Still spinning in a race
Where no one wins and no one's one
I don't belong here
I don't belong here
I will carry a cross and a song where I don't belong
But i don't belong
I don't belong here
I don't belong here
I'm gonna set sight and set sail for the kingdom come
Kingdom come
Your kingdom come
Won't you let me down yeah
Let my foolish pride
Forever let me down
Easy living, not much like your name
Easy dying, you look just about the same
Won't you please take me off your list
Easy living please come on and let me down
We are a beautiful let down,
Painfully uncool,
The church of the dropouts
The losers, the sinners, the failures and the fools
Oh what a beautiful let down
Are we salt in the wound
Let us sing one true tune
I don't belong here
I don't belong here
I don't belong here
Feels like I don't belong here
Let me down
Let me down
Feels like I'm let down
Let me down.
Cuz I don't belong here
Please
Won't you let me down?
I don't belong here, and the realization that I will never fully belong anywhere but with Christ is the beautiful letdown lesson. I know I look back fondly of past jobs and transitions, but when I really think back, they were beautiful letdowns, too. Nothing is perfect in this life because we belong with our great God, who won't let us down. On earth, we will be let down, disappointed, and feel uncomfortable. It's funny, because while it's refreshing to hear that I will see the sunrise when I finally am with Jesus, that means for the rest of my life, I will be waiting for the sun to rise!!!!!
Oh boy... This is going to be one hell of a hike. So, truth is, I got to find some sense of meaning, purpose, and drive. I am just beginning the journey. I know there's a purpose to the journey, a reason to live and love despite this beautiful let down. I think I know what some of those moments look like for me, maybe you, too:
-When I see the sunset across the water and the world goes still, I know God made this all.
-When I look at a grain of sand, I realize my life is this small in God's eyes, yet, he knows every last detail about me.
-When I see a newborn baby snuggle next to her mother and I see the joy in her eyes and the experience of true connection.
-When I look at my future husband, and I am overcome with emotion about just how lucky and blessed I am to have him in my life.
-When I meet an amazing group of friends for coffee and they bless me with love, wisdom, and encouragement.
-When the pastor speaks, and I feel like God's talking to me.
-When a family I work with tells me something and I respond with what seems to be someone else's words, and we just connect.
-When I watch the snow fall, and I am reminded that my grace is as pure as snow.
-When I zoom out in my detail oriented thinking, and remember that my purpose is far greater than one job, one boss, or one agency.
-When I realize that I was "fearfully and wonderfully made by the Creator of the Universe".
Then I know... the journey for the Rising Sun is far worth it....
I think about all the transitions I've made in the last five years. Leaving Purdue, moving home, going to seminary, moving to Indy, becoming a therapist, leading small groups, being a resident manager, graduating, moving again, getting engaged, starting my first job: so much change. I have become accustomed to celebrating change with a sense of accomplishment and peace. Today as I stare at three blank walls in my cubicle, it feels like a beautiful letdown. Switchfoot wrote this song called "A Beautiful Letdown", and as I sit here, I see it's the perfect words to describe this experience. Here's the song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYxFEFklMPA):
"Beautiful Letdown"
It was a beautiful let down
When I crashed and burned
When I found myself alone unknown and hurt
It was a beautiful let down
The day I knew
That all the riches this world had to offer me
Would never do
In a world full of bitter pain and bitter doubt
I was trying so hard to fit in, fit in,
Until I found out
I don't belong here
I don't belong here
I will carry a cross and a song where I don't belong
But I don't belong
It was a beautiful let down
When you found me here
Yeah for once in a rare blue moon I see everything clear
I'll be a beautiful let down
That's what I'll forever be
And though it may cost my soul
I'll sing for free
We're still chasin our tails and the rising sun
And our dark water planet's
Still spinning in a race
Where no one wins and no one's one
I don't belong here
I don't belong here
I will carry a cross and a song where I don't belong
But i don't belong
I don't belong here
I don't belong here
I'm gonna set sight and set sail for the kingdom come
Kingdom come
Your kingdom come
Won't you let me down yeah
Let my foolish pride
Forever let me down
Easy living, not much like your name
Easy dying, you look just about the same
Won't you please take me off your list
Easy living please come on and let me down
We are a beautiful let down,
Painfully uncool,
The church of the dropouts
The losers, the sinners, the failures and the fools
Oh what a beautiful let down
Are we salt in the wound
Let us sing one true tune
I don't belong here
I don't belong here
I don't belong here
Feels like I don't belong here
Let me down
Let me down
Feels like I'm let down
Let me down.
Cuz I don't belong here
Please
Won't you let me down?
I don't belong here, and the realization that I will never fully belong anywhere but with Christ is the beautiful letdown lesson. I know I look back fondly of past jobs and transitions, but when I really think back, they were beautiful letdowns, too. Nothing is perfect in this life because we belong with our great God, who won't let us down. On earth, we will be let down, disappointed, and feel uncomfortable. It's funny, because while it's refreshing to hear that I will see the sunrise when I finally am with Jesus, that means for the rest of my life, I will be waiting for the sun to rise!!!!!
Oh boy... This is going to be one hell of a hike. So, truth is, I got to find some sense of meaning, purpose, and drive. I am just beginning the journey. I know there's a purpose to the journey, a reason to live and love despite this beautiful let down. I think I know what some of those moments look like for me, maybe you, too:
-When I see the sunset across the water and the world goes still, I know God made this all.
-When I look at a grain of sand, I realize my life is this small in God's eyes, yet, he knows every last detail about me.
-When I see a newborn baby snuggle next to her mother and I see the joy in her eyes and the experience of true connection.
-When I look at my future husband, and I am overcome with emotion about just how lucky and blessed I am to have him in my life.
-When I meet an amazing group of friends for coffee and they bless me with love, wisdom, and encouragement.
-When the pastor speaks, and I feel like God's talking to me.
-When a family I work with tells me something and I respond with what seems to be someone else's words, and we just connect.
-When I watch the snow fall, and I am reminded that my grace is as pure as snow.
-When I zoom out in my detail oriented thinking, and remember that my purpose is far greater than one job, one boss, or one agency.
-When I realize that I was "fearfully and wonderfully made by the Creator of the Universe".
Then I know... the journey for the Rising Sun is far worth it....
D-Day
Today's the day... the last day of working at my first job. I slept like a baby last night but still woke up tired and grumpy. After a long shower and the realization of what today really is, I started to smile a little more. Freedom, deliberation, and new beginnings. I am not sure if I have ever had this combination of emotions as I never have really quit anything to just be "free". Normally, I put my head down and stick it out because I like to finish things, but today is a new feeling.
I realized how much of my life got consumed by a job, and I hate that. The one thing I always said in grad school is "I want a job, not a lifestyle". I don't have to be a therapist every waking moment, and I should not be worried about my clients in my sleep! But the last six months has shown me what little support/supervision and little training for my job can do to me. From Sunday night until Friday afternoon, I had clients on my mind. I dreamed about them, thought about them in the morning before I went to the appointments, during the evenings at their appointments, and after the appointments from the car ride until I was trying to go to sleep. After awhile, I forgot about friends, forgot about hobbies, and forgot about things I once did. It was like everything I really loved was replaced by the people's lives that I could not help. The children's abuse that I could not take away. Their stories, their faces, their new parent's faces would stick in my mind like a blister. You can't make a blister stop hurting once it's formed, you have to wait for it to heal. The more you try to just be yourself with a blister, the more pain you feel. I felt sad, lonely, depressed, and isolated. By October, I felt like I was drowning in a sea of souls I could not help. I kept wondering how did all of this change in six months. I was doing so well at CTS. I had families who I could help, a passion for what I was doing, and a drive to do more. I knew things were missing that I once had before. I wanted a job... I didn't want to lose myself.
So it's sorta deliberating, sort of depressing to be preparing to go into work for the last time today. I stand being freed from the last 6 months of negativity, but I am left changed. Now begins the process of reclaiming myself. The next 18 days after today, my mission will be to find my confidence, my passion, and my love of helping others again. In the next 18 days, I hope to regain courage and strength to start all over again. But today, all I have to do is grin and bear it. Ever have those days? The ones you just suffer through to make it to the next? I just keep walking up that mountain, and some day soon I will see the sun rise...
I realized how much of my life got consumed by a job, and I hate that. The one thing I always said in grad school is "I want a job, not a lifestyle". I don't have to be a therapist every waking moment, and I should not be worried about my clients in my sleep! But the last six months has shown me what little support/supervision and little training for my job can do to me. From Sunday night until Friday afternoon, I had clients on my mind. I dreamed about them, thought about them in the morning before I went to the appointments, during the evenings at their appointments, and after the appointments from the car ride until I was trying to go to sleep. After awhile, I forgot about friends, forgot about hobbies, and forgot about things I once did. It was like everything I really loved was replaced by the people's lives that I could not help. The children's abuse that I could not take away. Their stories, their faces, their new parent's faces would stick in my mind like a blister. You can't make a blister stop hurting once it's formed, you have to wait for it to heal. The more you try to just be yourself with a blister, the more pain you feel. I felt sad, lonely, depressed, and isolated. By October, I felt like I was drowning in a sea of souls I could not help. I kept wondering how did all of this change in six months. I was doing so well at CTS. I had families who I could help, a passion for what I was doing, and a drive to do more. I knew things were missing that I once had before. I wanted a job... I didn't want to lose myself.
So it's sorta deliberating, sort of depressing to be preparing to go into work for the last time today. I stand being freed from the last 6 months of negativity, but I am left changed. Now begins the process of reclaiming myself. The next 18 days after today, my mission will be to find my confidence, my passion, and my love of helping others again. In the next 18 days, I hope to regain courage and strength to start all over again. But today, all I have to do is grin and bear it. Ever have those days? The ones you just suffer through to make it to the next? I just keep walking up that mountain, and some day soon I will see the sun rise...
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Riding Horses
I've realized in my own counseling that my parents "words of wisdom" have impacted my life to the fullest extent. My dad used to say, "just work hard, Kerrie, and you can do anything you want in life". As I talked to my therapist yesterday, I realized that the reason I am really struggling this season of my life professionally is for the first time the motto didn't work according to plan. I worked really hard to make this job a good fit for me, and yet, powers outside of myself didn't allow me to be happy or successful in it. As I sat there thinking about the last 10 years, I have just worked harder when I didn't get something right in the beginning. At Purdue, I had this horrible STAT class which was taught by a horrible STAT teacher. A girl that sat next to me got an A on everything where I was lost in charts, graphs, and calculations that never made sense. I finally muscled up the courage one day to ask her if she would help me, and she said she would love to. She and I met together before class over diet cokes, and within a couple weeks, I had A's, too. While STAT didn't feel like the best fit for my cognitive abilities, I just kept telling myself, "if I work harder, I can do this".
In most other situations of my life, when times got hard, I just stepped it up and moved forward. As I am in the final hours of my first real professional job, I am struggling to declare I did not fail, it just wasn't the right fit. It wasn't what I wanted. It was not presented truthfully. It was social work, and not the kind of Marriage and Family Therapy that I grew to love with my clients at CTS. It was disappointing that all I had worked towards was not coming together. Kind of like that mountain in Hawaii only this time there is no sunset at the end. Or is there?
My first job paralleled that hike as I am sure many jobs for people look similar to my story. You start out over excited about the journey until you realize just how "real" the journey is. I came out of grad school with this idealistic notion that therapy would be in this pretty private practice model. I would have this ethically wonderful time, and I would go out with my friends after work for dinner. I thought I would have time for a small group or bible study, and that my boss would find my strengths and build me up to be a better clinician. It was like when I turned the bend on the mountain and saw not only was I not even half way up, but it was about to get a lot steeper.
Somewhere in my discouragement, my therapist said, "but you didn't give up". I was a little confused. I said, "but I turned my resignation in 2 weeks ago, remember?" She said, "but you didn't give up on doing God's work". Hmmm.... the world sort of stopped. She said, "you fell off the horse, and you realized you couldn't ride the horse. Not because you can't ride horses, but because the horse you were riding was a bad horse. It takes courage to get back on the horse. You didn't give up on helping people in therapy, and many people do. That takes courage". Courage.... That was one of those words I used to describe my 5 year old self. I used to jump off diving boards, climb TV antenna's, explore woods and corn fields alone, that was courage (now, I won't even go into the basement with the lights off!) It was like she pointed out to me that I am still working hard to get what I want and not actually giving up on myself. I am still riding the horse but just choosing to ride one that's a better fit for me. So as I prepare to get off the wild ride of the horse I've been on for the last few months, I prepare to ride again. Will I be tossed off? Will I learn I am a bad jockey? Will I decide I hate riding? Will I want to change horses again? I am not sure I will know those answers until I try, so for now, I won't give up. I will keep climbing that mountain because God's plan for my life has got to be bigger and better than where I've been the last six months no matter how hard it is to keep the courage to keep trying.
1 Chronicles 28:20
David also said to Solomon his son, "Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the LORD is finished.
In most other situations of my life, when times got hard, I just stepped it up and moved forward. As I am in the final hours of my first real professional job, I am struggling to declare I did not fail, it just wasn't the right fit. It wasn't what I wanted. It was not presented truthfully. It was social work, and not the kind of Marriage and Family Therapy that I grew to love with my clients at CTS. It was disappointing that all I had worked towards was not coming together. Kind of like that mountain in Hawaii only this time there is no sunset at the end. Or is there?
My first job paralleled that hike as I am sure many jobs for people look similar to my story. You start out over excited about the journey until you realize just how "real" the journey is. I came out of grad school with this idealistic notion that therapy would be in this pretty private practice model. I would have this ethically wonderful time, and I would go out with my friends after work for dinner. I thought I would have time for a small group or bible study, and that my boss would find my strengths and build me up to be a better clinician. It was like when I turned the bend on the mountain and saw not only was I not even half way up, but it was about to get a lot steeper.
Somewhere in my discouragement, my therapist said, "but you didn't give up". I was a little confused. I said, "but I turned my resignation in 2 weeks ago, remember?" She said, "but you didn't give up on doing God's work". Hmmm.... the world sort of stopped. She said, "you fell off the horse, and you realized you couldn't ride the horse. Not because you can't ride horses, but because the horse you were riding was a bad horse. It takes courage to get back on the horse. You didn't give up on helping people in therapy, and many people do. That takes courage". Courage.... That was one of those words I used to describe my 5 year old self. I used to jump off diving boards, climb TV antenna's, explore woods and corn fields alone, that was courage (now, I won't even go into the basement with the lights off!) It was like she pointed out to me that I am still working hard to get what I want and not actually giving up on myself. I am still riding the horse but just choosing to ride one that's a better fit for me. So as I prepare to get off the wild ride of the horse I've been on for the last few months, I prepare to ride again. Will I be tossed off? Will I learn I am a bad jockey? Will I decide I hate riding? Will I want to change horses again? I am not sure I will know those answers until I try, so for now, I won't give up. I will keep climbing that mountain because God's plan for my life has got to be bigger and better than where I've been the last six months no matter how hard it is to keep the courage to keep trying.
1 Chronicles 28:20
David also said to Solomon his son, "Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the LORD is finished.
Monday, December 13, 2010
High Heels or Flip Flops
I've been reading Sheila Walsh's book, "I am Not Wonder Woman, but God Made Me Wonderful", and today's chapter talked about our personalities and likes. Sheila got to talking that before we became adults we were children who had personalities that often times were changed by society. She compared the ideas to being a high-heels kind of woman or a flip-flop kind of woman. Before reading it, I was thinking, I am a high heels kind of girl. I like dresses, being cute and feminine, and going out in nice heels. But then after I read the bit about childhood, I thought about how I dressed the majority of my life as "not so much a dress" kind of girl. In high school, people joked I could be up for best dressed as I worn a unique combination of sweat pants each day. I liked being comfortable. There's that word again, "Comfortable".
Then I looked at my closet. The most worn out shoes were not really high heels at all, they were fake Ugg boots, Reef flip flops, and my running (more so walking) shoes. Well, I guess I am not really a high heels kind of woman after all, but what does that mean for my life? If I lose that Sorority image of what is "the best" and come back to what is comfortable, will I be happier? If I stop trying to be the best, have it all, and be so successful will I feel more comfortable? Is God's purpose in my life to be comfortable?
So where on the journey did I get my vision all mixed up? When did my value come from the success of the high heel and not the realness of my flip-flops. When did I become ashamed to admit that I actually HATE high heels, but I love my Reefs? Some how the metaphor was not so much about shoes anymore...
Today, I am going to try to be more of who God made me to be in this journey. I am going to take off these high heels at work and I am going to try to just be myself. In 72 hours, I won't work at Bethany anymore but yet, I haven't been comfortable to sleep or really enjoy life for months. Today, I am going to try to remember that God made me unique and to be comfortable I need to be less high strung, less high performance, and less high expectations. I know when I think back to my 5 year old Kerrie self I was easy-going, loved life, was relational and open, creative, helpful, curious, courageous, and very messy. Maybe today I can allow myself to be a little bit more of that... all except that really messy part... maybe I grew out of that... :)
Then I looked at my closet. The most worn out shoes were not really high heels at all, they were fake Ugg boots, Reef flip flops, and my running (more so walking) shoes. Well, I guess I am not really a high heels kind of woman after all, but what does that mean for my life? If I lose that Sorority image of what is "the best" and come back to what is comfortable, will I be happier? If I stop trying to be the best, have it all, and be so successful will I feel more comfortable? Is God's purpose in my life to be comfortable?
So where on the journey did I get my vision all mixed up? When did my value come from the success of the high heel and not the realness of my flip-flops. When did I become ashamed to admit that I actually HATE high heels, but I love my Reefs? Some how the metaphor was not so much about shoes anymore...
Today, I am going to try to be more of who God made me to be in this journey. I am going to take off these high heels at work and I am going to try to just be myself. In 72 hours, I won't work at Bethany anymore but yet, I haven't been comfortable to sleep or really enjoy life for months. Today, I am going to try to remember that God made me unique and to be comfortable I need to be less high strung, less high performance, and less high expectations. I know when I think back to my 5 year old Kerrie self I was easy-going, loved life, was relational and open, creative, helpful, curious, courageous, and very messy. Maybe today I can allow myself to be a little bit more of that... all except that really messy part... maybe I grew out of that... :)
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Waiting for the Sun to Rise
Last summer, when Chris and I journeyed to Hawaii with his family, we had many different activities planned. One of them was to climb a mountain that was used as a base after Pearl Harbor to watch the sun rise from the east side of the island. The plan was to wake up at 3am, get ready, drive an hour across the island, climb the mountain in the dark, and watch the sun rise from the top. " 3 am", I thought.... "what are these people trying to do? Kill me?"
So, the morning of I awoke on time. No make up, frantic, I packed my bag for the day, put my hair in braids, and waited downstairs for everyone to get ready. Interestingly enough, some people were late, and the journey began with arguments and frustration as everyone was worried we might miss the sunrise. The whole way there, there was questions and doubt. Would we see it? Would it be cloudy? If we missed it, would we do it again? (I was thinking... fat chance of me getting up again to do this). So by the time we parked at the base, we began to run with Chris's family as fast as we could to reach the top. In the dark and cold path, I quickly realized I was out of shape compared to Chris and his cousins, and I got discouraged. I kept thinking, "we will never get there. This is stupid. Why did I wake up this early for nothing". (huff, puff, ugh!)
Chris turned from in front of me and said "come on, you'll make it". Easy for you to say Mr. Physically-fit. I trudged on. The mountain was steep so instead of a straight walk, you have to walk around it in a spiral fashion which you don't really realize until about half way. I thought, "Seriously, God, 4am climbing a mountain?" I had no idea why anyone would want to do this. I kept walking. Chris's family walked/ran at different paces. His dad struggled to make it and was farther behind me. I was worried he might not make it to see the sunrise.
Some how in that hour of climbing, I found a rhythm. It was a painful one, but I just started to look at my feet, one step at a time. And although I was not the first one to make it, I got to the top. Chris cheered me on, gave me water, and was so excited for the sunrise. I, on the other hand, pointed out there were a lot of clouds in the sky and there was little likelihood we would see the sun. But, it eventually popped out. And it was pretty. Really pretty.
The point is, as I watch the snowfall after going through the last few challenging months, I realize I am doing it again. I am waiting for the sun to rise in my life with my wedding, my new house, my future with Chris, and I keep looking at the clouds, the early mornings, the arguments, the LONG hike, and I forgot to enjoy it. There is something in me that struggles to just enjoy the moments of challenge rather than taking them in stride. I have Chris cheering me on and thank God I do. I know I will get to the top, and the journey back down the hill will be enjoyable, but as I realized I have 5.5 months until the wedding day, I recognize that the sun will not rise for a little while, and I have some mountain left to climb. Maybe I am out of shape, and maybe it will be hard, but how can I psych myself up for this leg of the journey, so that I can truly enjoy the sunrise (and not just in hindsight)?
So, as I keep hiking, I hope this blog can be about those ups and downs of the journey. The rhythm that keeps being interrupted by unexpected things. And hopefully, when I get to the top, I will be ready, to join my fiancé in marriage, smiling and excited for the future.
So, the morning of I awoke on time. No make up, frantic, I packed my bag for the day, put my hair in braids, and waited downstairs for everyone to get ready. Interestingly enough, some people were late, and the journey began with arguments and frustration as everyone was worried we might miss the sunrise. The whole way there, there was questions and doubt. Would we see it? Would it be cloudy? If we missed it, would we do it again? (I was thinking... fat chance of me getting up again to do this). So by the time we parked at the base, we began to run with Chris's family as fast as we could to reach the top. In the dark and cold path, I quickly realized I was out of shape compared to Chris and his cousins, and I got discouraged. I kept thinking, "we will never get there. This is stupid. Why did I wake up this early for nothing". (huff, puff, ugh!)
Chris turned from in front of me and said "come on, you'll make it". Easy for you to say Mr. Physically-fit. I trudged on. The mountain was steep so instead of a straight walk, you have to walk around it in a spiral fashion which you don't really realize until about half way. I thought, "Seriously, God, 4am climbing a mountain?" I had no idea why anyone would want to do this. I kept walking. Chris's family walked/ran at different paces. His dad struggled to make it and was farther behind me. I was worried he might not make it to see the sunrise.
Some how in that hour of climbing, I found a rhythm. It was a painful one, but I just started to look at my feet, one step at a time. And although I was not the first one to make it, I got to the top. Chris cheered me on, gave me water, and was so excited for the sunrise. I, on the other hand, pointed out there were a lot of clouds in the sky and there was little likelihood we would see the sun. But, it eventually popped out. And it was pretty. Really pretty.
The point is, as I watch the snowfall after going through the last few challenging months, I realize I am doing it again. I am waiting for the sun to rise in my life with my wedding, my new house, my future with Chris, and I keep looking at the clouds, the early mornings, the arguments, the LONG hike, and I forgot to enjoy it. There is something in me that struggles to just enjoy the moments of challenge rather than taking them in stride. I have Chris cheering me on and thank God I do. I know I will get to the top, and the journey back down the hill will be enjoyable, but as I realized I have 5.5 months until the wedding day, I recognize that the sun will not rise for a little while, and I have some mountain left to climb. Maybe I am out of shape, and maybe it will be hard, but how can I psych myself up for this leg of the journey, so that I can truly enjoy the sunrise (and not just in hindsight)?
So, as I keep hiking, I hope this blog can be about those ups and downs of the journey. The rhythm that keeps being interrupted by unexpected things. And hopefully, when I get to the top, I will be ready, to join my fiancé in marriage, smiling and excited for the future.
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