Another Trip Around the Bend

In August of 2004, I was diagnosed with Adenomyosis at the age of 19.  At the time, I had heard from my OB/GYN that I might not be able to have children, that without medication I would continue to be in a lot of pain, and that it was a life-long disease without a cure.  Eight years later, I am married to a wonderful man.  My passion for children is still a driving force to being a play therapist, but mostly, a mother.  While Chris and I are not yet ready to have children at this exact moment, the Facebook photos of friends with children and each announcement of a birth is a gentle reminder that time is coming where I have to face my disease.  The same disease that haunted my grandmother for years, and the disease I gracefully try to ignore each day.


For eight years I have not had another laproscopy or exploratory surgery.  I have no idea what is going on in my body.  Part of it was my busy schedule, but most of it is the fear that my biggest dream to have a child may or may not be a possibility.  


The severity of this disease has increased since I have tried to prepare my body for child bearing years.  I've been on a diet for two months, only to lose a couple pounds.  I have severe pain where medication is not always working.  I have trouble with each bodily function during my cycle.  I have had some trying emotional days.  Sometimes it's the little things like not being able to fit in my jeans because my belly is so swollen.    There are days that I am so swollen that my pants physically hurt to wear.  Each day can be a battle.  There are days that I am worn out, emotional and overwhelmed.  While had a small and contained version of this while I had been on my medication the last eight years, I had no idea just how pervasive this disease was until I stopped treating it.  


Last Thursday was the first steps I have taken in a long time to acknowledge the reality of where my body is now.  I had my first doctor's appointment to address the issues head on since I was diagnosed.  I am no longer masking my disease with loads of hormones, and I truly do fear what will happen as the disease comes out of hibernation. This Thursday, my blood panels come back and I will find out how my hormone levels are and then what specialist I will go to.  I am finding myself overwhelmed with grief.  I have locked up my sadness and frustration about this since 2004, and now that I see these beautiful babies and think about my life, I get so worried, sad, and frustrated.


The hardest thing to do is trust that God has a plan, but I know He does.  It's that time in between that's the hardest.  Another journey around the mountain...  waiting for the sun to rise.  So this week, is a whole lot of that enduring patience and anxiety.  I am ready to know.  I am ready to be out of the darkness.  I am ready to work with what I have been given to some day build the family I dream of.  Over 65 years ago, my dad was born to my grandma who suffered from the same disease.  He gave an adopted 20 year old women the only blood relative she had ever known in her entire life.  And as I shared my pain to her she said with true empathy, "a child is a blessing even if it is a little orphan like I was".  In her story alone, I see the beauty of both birth and family through another means.

I know God has a plan for my family.  I don't quite yet know what it will look like, but I am trying to be open to whatever it might look like.  All I know is that I have been blessed.  I have so much love to give a child.  I have an amazing husband, an amazing home, an amazing family, and a very good God.  

Philippians 4:6

The Message (MSG)

 ^6-7Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

The Gift of Mercy

Since 2004, I have taken a few different personality and gifts tests.  The Myer's Briggs, the RASIC, the MMPI, Love Languages, Spiritual Gifts, Life Keys, etc. etc. and I am pretty amazed how no matter who creates these things, I normally turn out just the same as I did the last time.  One of the ones that never changes for me is the "Gift of Mercy".  Since it is so pronounced, I figured I should explore this gift and what it truly means for my life.  

The dictionary describes "Mercy" as:

a : compassion or forbearance shown especially to an offender or to one subject to one's power; also : lenient or compassionate treatment <begged for mercy>

b : imprisonment rather than death imposed as penalty for first-degree murder

2

a : a blessing that is an act of divine favor or compassion

b : a fortunate circumstance <it was a mercy they found her before she froze>

3

: compassionate treatment of those in distress <works ofmercy among the poor>

— mercy adjective

— at the mercy of

: wholly in the power of : with no way to protect oneself against

I got to thinking about mercy and my job as a social worker at an inner city charter school.  My boss calls me the "ultimate nurturer".  Past principle called me "my kids lawyer".  The police officer calls me "their guardian angel".  The kids call me, "their friend".  Their parent's call me, "someone who goes out and actually does what they say they will do".  I just call myself "a therapist".  Then recently I started embracing my role as a "social worker".  But really what do I do?

Bogged down at my last staffing, I remember myself saying, am I really even doing anything?  At any given day I can walk into a classroom and the kid I spent the last 13 months working on one specific skill can look just as bad as the first day we started together... (or worse).  I have kids throwing furniture, punching themselves, kicking themselves, hurting others, plotting to assault people,  stealing, self-injuring, starving themselves, and wanting to die.  They cuss each other out, tell the teacher's to shut up, ignore commands to see the principle, throw food, throw themselves on the floor, and genuinely bully others.  

On any given day, I hear about murder, parents in jail, child abuse and molestation, hungry, poverty, and the list goes on.  I call myself the "sponge" because I feel like I just suck up all of the horrible messes leaking from little faces and their families.  I have thought of myself as "the hugging post" as I feel like I willingly (and often unwillingly give at least 100 hugs a day)... maybe twice that much depending on what class I walk in or which lunches I brave to walk through.

A lot of people say they don't know how I do this work.  Most days, I don't really know either.  I come home to a silent home, and I just recharge in it.  But each day, God graces me with that word: Mercy.  I don't know what else it could be that brings me back day after day.  The reality is, I could have avoided this work.  I could have stayed in a nice private practice setting.  Hell, I could have ran a preschool like I had originally planned.  I could have done any of a number of jobs. (Some days I crave working at Target stocking shelves and putting out samples of Archer Farms BBQ sauce). But I look back and some how I keep seeing a re-occurring gift of mercy that God gave me.  From the time as a kid I helped the child with down syndrome in my class.  The time I helped the old lady next to my grandma get her mail and have someone talk to for at least an hour each day I was over in the summer.  From being the sorority Chaplain and new pledge educator always willing to listen, pray for, or go pick up the girl whose boyfriend broke up with her at 2am across campus.  Some how, I just love to sit and talk about, listen to, and be with people who need someone to carry their burden for a minute.  Sometimes, I just like to sit with people who no one wants to sit with.  Sometimes, I just want to stop giving them suggestions, and answers, and "person-centered treatment plans".  Some of my favorite moments are when me and my silly little kids are singing "the pretty girl rock" or playing a silent game of Sponge Bob Memory.  My favorite memories with friends are mid night chat over Mad Mushroom Cheese sticks, times I led them to be prayed over after sharing their personal struggles with addiction or self-destruction.  I guess it doesn't matter where or when, but God just wired me this way.  

Each person is given a gift to serve the God of the Universe.  Mercy, Encouragement, Hospitality, Knowledge, Wisdom, Administration, Creative Communication, Teaching, Shepparding, etc. etc.  The more I serve, the more concrete my gift becomes apart of me.  I may not be perfect, but in my weakness God shows up with his gifts to care for others.  It is truly an honor to have, to share, to use, and to know how gifted He allows me to be.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 

¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

2 Corinthians 12: 9-10

Sounds like a life of Mercy will not be any easy one.  But I guess I realize that maybe my role is just to be merciful.  To listen, to care, to show compassion in a world with there is little of it.  And with God's gift, I know that's something I can do.  What can you do today with the gifts you've been given....

A Day of Victory

Today was one of those trying days that in recent history I would have turned to a piping hot bowl of mac and cheese or a half loaf of french bread.  It was one of those days at work where I get the "counter transference" of the hated mother, got to witness the hated mother/daughter interaction, and didn't get the production I wanted.  It took everything within me to not order a large cheeseburger and fries (and some bread sticks with cheese with a side of ranch).  It took more in me to not put on sweat pants when I got home and nap with the dog in bed with the curtains closed.  But I've been thinking about my "internal conversation" with myself lately.  A lot since this new year started.  If I am ever going to make it in my business, lose weight, or be the person I want to be, I know I need to make changes.  And since I am the only one I can change, I guess I will have to start doing some things differently. 

So after the initial shock of the afternoon wore off, I found myself not hearing my own words of encouragement but a montage of my mentors, supervisors, and best friends.  I heard today, "You can't work harder than your clients", "You can't want change for someone else", "Let go, Let God", and "Don't let one day, one person, or one experience define you".  I thought about lectures on counter transference.  I thought about those live supervision sessions where others talked about their clients.  I thought back to those little one liners that Pam used to say about clients and their parents.  And some how I rolled that up in my brain and took the dog on a bike ride.... ate a healthy dinner... and then ran the fastest two miles I have run in years. 

There is something magically powerful and holy about my heart's desire to experience God's love for humanity more and more each day.  While my world get's rocked in my work, God is constantly shaping me into more of the clinician that I want to be, but more so into the woman of God I want to be.  Today was a major victory.  Not only was I able to not take someone else's words and experiences with me personally, I was able to rise above my day and turn it into motivation for something good for myself.

Something about today made me want to fight harder for the life I have developed with Chris and my lovable fur ball.  And that's pretty cool because I read over my resolution and realized that by one idea, one goal planning session, I was able to overcome a battlefield that I have lost to in the past.  Today, I lost all of my "Christmas weight" and am on the road to losing even more back down to a "BMI appropriate weight", but today, I overcame the power of the negative words that once plagued me into over eating, withdrawal, depression and defeat. I cannot describe the high that gives me.  Now, I want to recreate this feeling day after day. 

Humanity is disappointing sometimes as a whole.  There is evil in the world and evil in people's hearts, but there is also good, holy, wonderfulness in the world.  And when you tune your heart to it, I think it prevails.  I guess I just never gave it a chance to change me.  I also indulged in self-pity and self-defeat.  I hope that God continues to use my weight loss and life style change as a witness that He is present in our world.  He is present in my life.  He is working when we want to work.  And the rest of the world is mere grains of sand compared to His goodness.  Hands in the air, spinning, smiling, and praising, it is a wonderful, graceful day despite the rain. 

Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, 

and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.  

-Psalm 23:6

The Power of My Words to Make Change

I have a love-hate relationship with New Year's Resolutions.  Some years, I am make them, and they jump start my brain back into the person I want to be.  Other years, I set these crazy and unrealistic life plans that leave me feeling like a failure after three weeks.  So this year, my hubby and I sat down in the living room over the mac fumbling over the last year and what we saw as strengths and weaknesses in our relationship, health, relationships with others, finances, etc.  We realized that maybe 2012 would be a great year to try and continue on good habits and restarts ones we had when we were single.  Here are my set of goals from our list:

2012 Lifestyle Goals

Spiritual

            Continue to be involved with weekly small group

            Complete all small group activities intentionally

Marriage

            Utilize small group for relationship building

            Date night 1 x per month

            See fertility doctor by March

Professional

            Develop a plan to get into private practice and start seeing clients before 06/12

            K- Complete license paperwork by 10/12

Diet

            Not eating past 8:30pm

            Not eating more than 1 serving of bread per day

            No white carbs

            1 vegetable serving every day

            1 fruit serving every day

            Stop using food rewards (use clothes, fun activities, bark park, etc)

            Red meat 1 x per week max

Exercise

            Work out 5 times per week min, 6 times max

            Complete Bob’s 6 week DVD series

            Not required to be together for workouts

            In order for a walk to count, it has to be at least 2 big loops

Financial

            Stick to budget we have set, no going over into next month’s spending

            Pay off furniture payment, use payments to go towards additional student loans

            Use Dave Ramsey’s envelope’s for purchases over $100

Lifestyle

            Limit to 1 TV show per night

            Walk Macy morning and night time

            Dine out 2 x per week max

            1 Nalgene of water/day

            Bed time is 10:30 on work nights

            Plan the next day’s schedule @ 10 PM

Rewards

            $25 per month if you achieve diet & exercise goals

            Monthly rewards can be “pushed” forward for a larger reward

As I got into it, I realized that most of these goals were more than feasible.  And as we listened to Joel Osteen (http://www.joelosteen.com/Broadcast/Pages/ThisWeeksMessage.aspx) talk about how we talk about ourselves, I realized that the only thing that has ever held me back is myself.  I am my biggest road block or my greatest vehicle for movement....  


Joel talked about how we talk about ourselves and the self-fulfilling prophecies we have for ourselves.  How many times do I call myself fat?  I say, if only I was ten pounds thinner or if only I didn't waste so much money on diet coke...   When I was about 12, I used to sit down in a chair and trace lines into my leg of where I wish there was not fat.  I obsess over my "muffin top" and my cottage cheese legs.  I sometimes let myself say, "oh well, at least I am married now" as if Chris has to love me just because we are married and not because I feel beautiful that day.   I have so many criticisms, but how can I possibly believe in myself if I am always putting myself down?

So resolution number one this year before the lifestyle goals is to believe in myself.  In my private practice workbook, I had to write what held me back from private practice and what I wrote was "the fear of failure" and my fear of failing comes out in each thing I say.  If I let my lips steer the ship of my life, I am going to end up fat, depressed, bored, unsuccessful, and without friends.  If I let God's truth about me pour from my lips, I will have hope, be sure of my good future, and be a blessing to myself and others.  God is going to use me for GREAT things this year.  And as I start to shape my life to a holistically healthy plan, I think the fruits of each of my labors will grow.  The counter to my fear of failure was a phrase I thought could challenge my fears with  which was, "I am in control of today" and I hope to use this phrase when my self doubt creeps in.  I am in control of each thing I eat, each dollar I spend, each minute I use.  I can do ALL things through Him who gives me strength.  I am going to say in the morning:  "I am God's creation, created in His image, and I am beautiful, strong, and healthy".  I am going to control temptation to eat solid sugars by saying, "I am in control of myself and my diet".  I am going to control my urge to procrastinate starting my business plans out of fear and say, "I am going to be successful in the business".  I am going to be in control and aware of my heart this year.  I think the rest of those goals will fall into place if I can just start believing in ME!

So here's to another year, another hope, a reset button in my brain to be more of the person who God wants me to be....

The Comfort of My Chair

Today, there was a great sermon preached at Grace by our favorite pastor, David Bell.  David has the way of taking the Word and bringing so much practical sense to my life when I seem to need it most.  The last few weeks I have been in constant prayer about work.  I have felt beyond overwhelmed with the severity of mental illness at my school.  Kids as young as first and second grade wanting to kill themselves on a daily basis, self injury, and endless trauma of all kinds normally seems to suck the life out of me.  I've used the analogy that if my heart and energy were a pitcher of water, I would bone dry by Wednesday, and not really always present by the end of the work week.  I never feel filled up when I return on Monday.  And lately, the deficit has taken it's toll.

In church, David preached about James 2 and how our faith without deeds is life less.  Afterward there was a song the worship pastor wrote the used the metaphor of someone sitting in their comfortable house in a big chair looking out their window into a storm and feeling God's call to get out of their comfort and help those in the storm of life.  As one can imagine, I instantly had my hands up in praise thinking about the fact that each day that I sip my coffee with my fluffy dog and wonderful husband in my comfortable home, I am preparing myself for another day in the storm.  I am preparing my heart, mind, and soul to experience sadness, deprivation, and trauma like I have never known it in my life.

See today, I continued to sit and ponder on how and why God has blessed me to be one of the few who have a "comfortable home out of the storms of life".  And lately, I just want to shut the blinds in my windows and ignore everything there is outside of this comfortable place.  There are days of the storm that rock me so hard to my core, that I want to hide under my comfortable chair and pretend like God never blessed me so much.  I think lately, I have felt like I "should" help these kids, and I "should" feel happy about it.  Today, I realized that there will be a lot of sorrow standing out in a storm all day.  There is a purpose for this home, to come back and regain my sense of self.

Today, as I thought about my comfortable house, I thought about the passage about building a house upon the rock (Matthew 7:24 Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.).  So many of my families do not know Jesus, and their lives are about survival.  This even could be said for many of my friends, drinking and jumping from relationship and relationship day to day to find joy, peace, or purpose.  Should my role not be only to stand with the broken in the sand but to actually help them to find a rock of foundation and a home of comfort of their own?  I can choose to stand every day in the storm with them, or I can be a light to the peace and joy that comes from knowing Jesus.  So often, I almost feel ashamed, nervous, or embarrassed as I stand with my families when I think about sharing my faith.  But it's my faith that got me to a place where I feel compelled to serve out of love every day.  It's my faith that has formed me to think less about myself and more for others.  It's my faith that has some how tied my messy life together and made it the blessing that it is.

I realized, yet again, what a beautiful thing it is to have a relationship with Christ today.  I realized just how much I need Him, the church family, and the hope that comes with knowing that some day we will all find the comfort of our "home".  Until then, I suppose to I will rest a bit in that comfortable chair and then suit up in my rain gear for another storm.  I think whether it be in the charter school, the play therapy room of a private practice, or in my own family, there will always be the storms of life.  I just had to recognize that the purpose of my life isn't to sit and observe.  I will have to just enjoy those quiet moment in the comfort of my chair as they are so very necessary to make it through the storms of this life.  So as the last few minutes of my weekend tick away, I play to go spend it with the people in my life who are my comfort, my peace, and my blessing.  Tomorrow will be another day in the storm, but tonight is where I fill myself up to send my self out tomorrow...  

Crawling

Sometimes when I am really struggling through the day, a song comes on and motivates me.  I guess that's the amazing thing about music.  Today, as I am about to pass out at 10 pm yet again because of a long and stressful day, I was passing through an old I-Pod playlist to come across Superchick's Crawling.  I realized, I am probably not the only one crawling through the day.  Maybe this song can help remind another person that God crawls through the messiness of life with us.  So enjoy Superchick :)  I just need to sing and worship through the days when it feels like I am crawling.  Maybe my kids see me as one who crawls with them, too.  Here's to hoping that the smallest thing can make a difference....

How long will this take?
How much can I go through?
My heart, my soul aches
I don't know what to do
I bend but don't break
And somehow I'll get through
'cause I have you

And if I have to crawl
Will you crawl too
I stumble and I fall
Carry me through
The wonder of it all
Is you
See me through

Oh Lord, where are you?
Do not forget me here
I cry in silence
Can you not see my tears?
When all have left me
And hope has disappeared
You find me here

And when I have to crawl
Will you crawl too
I stumble and I fall
Carry me through
The wonder of it all
Is you
See me through

When everything I was is lost
I have forgot where you have not
When I am lost you have not lost me(2x's)

You have not lost me

And if I have to crawl
Will you crawl too
I stumble and I fall
Carry me through
The wonder of it all
Is you
See me through

Another Hill to Climb

It's been over four months since we got married, and married life is much easier than I had planned.  I figured the first year of our marriage we would be having crazy little fights about the dishwasher and trying to get our budget in line.  I thought that all of the stuff I had been working for in my life would have fallen into place, and it would be what was in our house that was causing trouble.  Luckily, but ironically, it's more of the opposite.  I am back to realizing that the severely mentally ill population is just not the one for me.  I have been revisiting my journals, blogs, and essays only to find that I know I am not where I want to be professionally.

It hasn't helped that systemically where I am is a bit, well, unorganized, but I am finding myself unchallenged in someways and over challenged in others.  It's funny that the mental health field can be so stretching and diverse.  People sometimes say, "well, you're helping people", but sometimes being a therapist is more than just encouraging someone.  More times than not, I think therapy is about making changes and finding hope.  In small group for church, a new friend asked, "isn't it weird how community mental health is nothing like what you pictured you would do in school?"  The question stuck with me throughout the evening.  Intake paperwork, OTR's for more sessions, assessments, team meetings, and car trips to the doctor were never on my radar.  The time I would spend writing about a person rather than working with them almost seems to make the time we spend together so brief and less meaningful.

What I had pictured was....  I remember what it felt like to have a play therapy room where children came with their parents.  I remember engaged families who wanted to see change.  They showed for most appointments, had some insight to their roles, and were committed to the process.  My families weren't high in income, but they seemed to have some sort of investment in therapy.  They wanted change and they were willing to make changes to see changes.  I remember later nights with a mother who had escaped an abusive situation with her four children and I remember the conversation that last session when she looked back at her children's progress.  She cried and stated that for over a year all four of her kids were paralyzed with fear and seemed like they were reliving the trauma.  After eight months of play therapy, filial therapy, and family therapy sessions, the kids were blossoming.  With the children at the babysitter, she cried for two hours while we processed her own journey, her guilt and shame, her wishes for her children, her plan to get them there, and the joy she felt in knowing she had helped them by asking for help.

There was something wonderful about that old counseling center on 42nd street.  The old house had a sense of comfort, calmness, and separateness that most days I crave as the screaming kids, banging walls, and horrible bell systems seem to interrupt my children's stories of their lives.  Now days, I almost beg parents to come to session.  They have nothing to pay, no time to invest, and are only good at continuing to see the bad while still denying their role.  While I have moments of exception and days where I see a change, the majority of my time walking through community mental health has been a sad realization that change is a choice, and some people aren't ready to make that choice for themselves, their children, or their communities yet.

I think I am still on my journey.  I remember what it was like to have a sense of purpose as a therapist and not feel like a babysitter for angry children or a cab driver, lunch lady, disciplinarian.  I am getting that itch to figure out where this journey will lead.  I am getting closer to the top of another hill where the road will continue to lead down the next twist.  I think in some ways I will hate to let go, but in others, I need to for my own mental health.  I am plotting, planning, waiting for direction, but I will not stop.  I am not sure where this journey is leading but I am excited for the possibilities.  In the mean time, I am going to try and find the bright spots each day, even if I only spot a few...

I've never met a person, I don't care what his condition, in whom I could not see possibilities. I don't care how much a man may consider himself a failure, I believe in him, for he can change the thing that is wrong in his life anytime he is prepared and ready to do it. Whenever he develops the desire, he can take away from his life the thing that is defeating it. The capacity for reformation and change lies within.
~Preston Bradley~