A Day of Victory

Today was one of those trying days that in recent history I would have turned to a piping hot bowl of mac and cheese or a half loaf of french bread.  It was one of those days at work where I get the "counter transference" of the hated mother, got to witness the hated mother/daughter interaction, and didn't get the production I wanted.  It took everything within me to not order a large cheeseburger and fries (and some bread sticks with cheese with a side of ranch).  It took more in me to not put on sweat pants when I got home and nap with the dog in bed with the curtains closed.  But I've been thinking about my "internal conversation" with myself lately.  A lot since this new year started.  If I am ever going to make it in my business, lose weight, or be the person I want to be, I know I need to make changes.  And since I am the only one I can change, I guess I will have to start doing some things differently. 

So after the initial shock of the afternoon wore off, I found myself not hearing my own words of encouragement but a montage of my mentors, supervisors, and best friends.  I heard today, "You can't work harder than your clients", "You can't want change for someone else", "Let go, Let God", and "Don't let one day, one person, or one experience define you".  I thought about lectures on counter transference.  I thought about those live supervision sessions where others talked about their clients.  I thought back to those little one liners that Pam used to say about clients and their parents.  And some how I rolled that up in my brain and took the dog on a bike ride.... ate a healthy dinner... and then ran the fastest two miles I have run in years. 

There is something magically powerful and holy about my heart's desire to experience God's love for humanity more and more each day.  While my world get's rocked in my work, God is constantly shaping me into more of the clinician that I want to be, but more so into the woman of God I want to be.  Today was a major victory.  Not only was I able to not take someone else's words and experiences with me personally, I was able to rise above my day and turn it into motivation for something good for myself.

Something about today made me want to fight harder for the life I have developed with Chris and my lovable fur ball.  And that's pretty cool because I read over my resolution and realized that by one idea, one goal planning session, I was able to overcome a battlefield that I have lost to in the past.  Today, I lost all of my "Christmas weight" and am on the road to losing even more back down to a "BMI appropriate weight", but today, I overcame the power of the negative words that once plagued me into over eating, withdrawal, depression and defeat. I cannot describe the high that gives me.  Now, I want to recreate this feeling day after day. 

Humanity is disappointing sometimes as a whole.  There is evil in the world and evil in people's hearts, but there is also good, holy, wonderfulness in the world.  And when you tune your heart to it, I think it prevails.  I guess I just never gave it a chance to change me.  I also indulged in self-pity and self-defeat.  I hope that God continues to use my weight loss and life style change as a witness that He is present in our world.  He is present in my life.  He is working when we want to work.  And the rest of the world is mere grains of sand compared to His goodness.  Hands in the air, spinning, smiling, and praising, it is a wonderful, graceful day despite the rain. 

Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, 

and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.  

-Psalm 23:6