Finally Listening

My husband had to leave out of town for the entire weekend.  It's the first time in months that I truly have nothing special on the agenda, not in pain for post-op surgery, and no real worries to attend to unless I allow myself to go there.  I prayed a few weeks back that if I was meant to leave community mental health and move on fully without guilt to my private practice (again, WITHOUT GUILT) that God would close one door and open the other.  I knew when I prayed this, that I was basically asking for the next 7-12 months of my life to feel like hell as closing doors almost always comes with a lot of emotional garbage.  Nevertheless, I prayed feverishly I would hear God's voice telling me where to go, and how to feel confident in that decision.

So, not to my surprise, the last couple weeks have continued to build and build with reaffirmations that my heart and long term vision for myself is not in social work but is in clinical therapy, specifically working with people who truly want to change and are ready to make a commitment to change their lives.  I have found that either spring fever or some full moon system has caused a grand majority of my children, their families, and the surrounding systems to know my buttons and push them religiously.  I have found my patience much thinner, my heart more weary, and my faith in humanity more and more shaky.  Maybe I am just more attuned to it, but I have been taken aback so many times in the last month that I have been ready to grab my play therapy toys and just walk out a few times without looking back.  (Good thing I am not a quitter). I even started thinking of other jobs that might pay comparably that I could just jump into and forget everything involving therapy including my private practice.  Luckily, I had a few really good MFT supervisors back at CTS who always warned that burn out would feel this way, and as much as I would doubt myself, it was because I was working in the trenches of social work and not doing the clinical work I was trained for as the majority of my work.

One thing I have noticed about myself, no matter how many times God is faithful to me, is I have a hard time trusting God.  Patience, trust, and letting go are just three things this neurotic, take charge woman doesn't do without a lot of preparation and prayer.  I am getting to the point where I am on my knees asking God how He can continue to strengthen me to endure the next year, trust in His plans for my life, and prepare my business with over flowing blessing.  I hope this blog is like one of those Biggest Loser pre-ranch videos.  I want to say, "Look Kerrie, here I am untrusting, broken, willing to give up so easily, and disheartened.  But look at you now!  A successful business owner, a fully licensed therapist, and God did PREVAIL and PROVIDE!  You struggled to trust him, but you did.  You used your resources but God blessed it.  You never gave up, and you continued to serve His people in both offices depending on His strength and not your own...  Now, look.  God has brought in the harvest of your faith and you can continue to move forward with the plan for your life".  

Then I will sit crying a little, smiling and crying tears of joy.  Thinking of all the people who helped me a long the way...  I'll feel on fire and wanting to trust God with more of my life.  That's my prayer for the next year.  I want a life change moment of faith.  I feel like I went stagnant for awhile and I've been comfortable enjoying the blessings I have been given.  This is a HUGE step for me.  While I down play my excitement, I am trying to balance it with the idea that I have to still keep working in two places at one time for at least the next seven months (if not more like a year).  And while, I am super happy, I am also thinking of that Biggest Loser contestant standing on the scale on week 2 (you know the one where they don't lose very much because they had that HUGE drop the week before?)  I have a long, LONG way to go.  I started this journey last September, and I am just not making it somewhat a reality.  At the same time, I am weighing to equally powerful emotions, that God gives me the blessings of a great opportunity, but the reality check that I have a lot to do to make the most of this blessing...

So here I am.  Trying to figure out how God will use me, strengthen me, work through me, and provide for me and how I fit into all of that.  I hope by the time Chris comes home, that God has allowed me to listen long enough that I feel His presence in my life's work.  I've had a few bad weeks, but I think sometimes being brought to my knees is what I need in order to ask for help.  Call me stubborn, independent, and unwilling to reach out, but I suppose those same weaknesses give the courage and confidence to take risks like starting my own business at this time in my life.  I am seeking wisdom, some kind of miraculous sign, a stamp of approval, or a "God moment" where the Red Sea parts and I know how and where to move forward to keep from being eaten up.  So here I sit listening this weekend... I am ready to find some wisdom....

Proverbs 2:1-5

New International Version (NIV)

Moral Benefits of Wisdom

2 My son, if you accept my words
    and store up my commands within you,
² turning your ear to wisdom
    and applying your heart to understanding —
³ indeed, if you call out for insight
    and cry aloud for understanding,
⁴ and if you look for it as for silver
    and search for it as for hidden treasure,
⁵ then you will understand the fear of the Lord
    and find the knowledge of God.

Being Helped

Today is the fourth day I have been out of work since Monday.  I went in for surgery to scope for Endometriosis and to provide my doctor with information about how my body was looking after eight years without and exploratory surgery.  When I awoke on Monday from surgery, I was in a large amount of pain.  I had come out of anesthesia with my knees to my chest and tears streaming down my face.  Not the slow groggy awakening I had planned, but I pretty much came to realizing they had done more than just scope around.  To find out after eight years with Adenomyosis that I also have Endometriosis was a mixed bag of emotions.  Initially I had this "I knew it" sassy attitude because prior to this doctor I had gone through the ringer thinking I had everything under the sun wrong except Endometriosis.  I had basically been patted on the head and sent out the door each year being told that all of my other symptoms were "just in my head" or "just didn't have anything to do with what I had".  The research online had told me different, and the symptoms just did not line up with the first diagnosis.  So I left my first doctor after eight years of seeing her and I listened to a friend and got help from a specialist.

Then I started to realize over the last few days that just because I had the right diagnosis, doesn't mean the problem magically gets fixed.  This laproscopy has been far more invasive since they removed and burned out tissue.  This surgery has left me laid up for the last three days with little I can do.  With the pain medication, I can't drive or really do a lot of work.  With the risk of ripping stitches, I can't be running around.  Instead, I am spending lots of time on the couch with the dog and having people come by to help me.  Coming from someone who works in the helping profession, this has been extremely difficult for me because I realized I have a really hard time asking for help.  I have an even harder time accepting help and not feeling guilty or like I need to help back in return.  

At first it was kind of fun to have people serve me dinner and take care of things, but as of yesterday (a mere 48 hours after surgery) I was pacing by the back door wishing I was mowing the lawn or driving off to the next activity.  Being here on this couch alone all day I realized that even in the hustle and bustle of all that I do the majority of the time, I really do enjoy being busy and helping others.  I really enjoy having a productive life and that pretty much rules out my ability to just be a house wife.  Now, if I was able to drive and mow the yard, maybe I could keep myself busy with that, but probably not.  More than ever, I am realizing that I have a drive and passion for service, I just need to find some moderation in my life...  (I hear you mother... saying... "I told you so....")

I am just not used to a routine-less day where I am helpless except to take medication, eat, nap and watch television.  It's a very large paradigm shift especially when I spend the majority of my week helping others get their basic needs. I have my routine scheduled down to the 15 minute mark on my daily agenda.  I know who I will see, how long, and what we will do by a large list of abbreviations and initials.  I am so used to my morning routine of wake, coffee, dog, breakfast, get ready, drive, work that a little robot in my brain is going off each morning saying "this doesn't feel right".  I keep thinking, maybe tomorrow I will be all better. 

I am all about quick fixes.  I love to mow the lawn and paint because it makes huge impacts on spaces in a short amount of time.  Ironically, I am in the field of slowest progress, mental health.  In my own physical health recovery, I have found that my patience is impractically short as I keep trying to pop up like I don't have two incisions in my stomach.  I keep trying to roll out of bed like I won't be sore.  Day three being home and out of commission is settling in that this is going to be a process, not a quick fix.  I look over to my pup happily sleeping the day away.  She could care less that she hasn't checked her email, gotten the mail, or even eaten breakfast.  She just peacefully relaxes. 

I know after this point, I am about to embark on starting my business, transitioning into home based summer services, and all the other things at work.  I prayed for rest, peace, and renewal, and here I am with answered prayers.  So I guess I am just going to have to embrace this rest of the week from home.  I guess Macy and I might just have to learn to relax together.  I am going to have to start being ok with people helping me.  That's life I guess... a time to serve and a time to be served. 

Faith, Hope and Courage

I came into the week with three words of prayer for God.  I knew I had some big appointments this week, so I prayed God would give me faith, hope and courage about my current private practice plans but also my future desire to have children.  I had no idea what would happen, but I kept hearing messages from Willow Creek and coming across scriptures in my quiet time about asking for things through prayer and how God does answer prayer... So after a long week and a long dodge ball game, I realized God did hear my cries and He has been revealing His trust to me abundantly each day this week.

Monday:  After a long day at the office, I drove to my attorney's office to go over the paperwork for my new business.  For three hours, we went through pages and pages of documents getting to know what my desire and my passions were to work with children.  I worked with a man with his own law firm who had practiced for over 37 years.  He is getting toward the end of his career, and the one thing he preached all night was that I recognize the value of family even before having a successful business.  He has two daughters, five grand kids, and a wife he has been married to since the start.  He beamed with pride not about his money, his luxurious office, or even his talent.  He beamed about his daughters and wife's intelligence and the joy he gets from being there for his family.  He complimented my desire to serve children and reminded me that it really is hard work.  He complimented my courage... the courage I didn't think I had.  He was encouraging and promised he would help get me started and help me develop a solid foundation for my business.  That night over cheeseburgers, I looked at Chris and said I felt a sense of relief and a sense of joy that I was starting to create my dream in a real and tangible way.

Tuesday:  For the last 8 years, I have been dealing with Adenomyosis (read last blog), and I finally got to a long awaited appointment with a doctor who has been serving women for over thirty years.  This doctor was referred from a good friend with a similar issue and while I doubted that anyone would really hear me and not down play my symptoms, I was shocked when I left the office after two hours feeling really heard with a long and short term plan (that my insurance covers).  To have someone say not IF but HOW and WHEN I could have my own children was all of the hope I needed.  I remember walking out of the office feeling like God had read my heart and had this doctor and his wife (who was the administrator) speak to me the way I needed to be heard.  I have faith that this doctor can help me after this week.

Wednesday:  After a trying day back at work, I returned to my office from the classrooms late in the day to find my wallet had been stolen right out of my purse.  Through the advice of some staff at school, I rushed home only to find that three of five of my credit cards had been used within two hours of going missing and I was rapidly seeing new charges appear on the computer screen.  After a couple hours of calling companies and sitting on hold, filing police reports, listing my stuff, and then having to do all of my work paperwork, I sat with a glass of sparkling wine on the back patio staring up at the sky.  Chris sat, too, and silently I just listened.  I realized the first few items purchased on my cards were food, gas, car parts.  The totals were under a hundred on each charge initially, and I pictured one of my families that I work with getting the basics to survive.  I thought about all of the money that was spent on those cards, I could have paid off the debt in cash and still had food in my pantry, money in my accounts, a nice house, a car with gas and insurance, and 1,000+ items that I really don't need.  If I had a credit card with endless funds I would be going to the outlet malls to restock an already full wardrobe or buy new furniture to replace older things.  I realized there is little I need, little I truly wish for, and none of those things I really need.  I have all I need and more.  I have financial security that many families don't.  I realized how much I have been blessed, how successful God has already made me, how strong and confident and protected I am.  Some how in losing all of my security, I felt more courageous.  Here I am at 26, financially in a place where I am not worrying day to day about myself or my family.  I had been so focused on all the things I still wanted that I forgot just how secure I was with all that I really need....

Thursday:  I had this eerie sense of "nonchalant"  attitude.  I was more sassy and fancy free with my kiddos and we laughed a lot today.  I was more "me" today.  I solved problems with my gut, and I stopped thinking about every last detail of right and wrong.  I started to feel fearless.  I stopped worrying about how things would turn out.  Then, it was time to go to my dodgeball game.  Usually, I am one of the last lonely girls in the back who rarely throws the ball.  I slowly jog and sit on my back heels thinking "I probably will just get hit or throw a bad ball, and surely, I can't catch", but tonight was different: I was courageous.  I had this sense of "no care" energy and drive.  I was bouncing like a bunny and stinging like a bee.  I was smiling, laughing, catching balls, getting people out, and sweating way more than usual.  I was on fire.  We not only won the game but we creamed them, and I was proud of myself.  I got off the bench, I played the entire game, and I stopped worrying.  I stopped worrying about everything.  It felt so good.  As we drove home, I realized just how much God answered my prayers this week in the weirdest ways.  But in the end, like right now, I have faith His plan for my life will come to pass, I have hope that if I have God's blessing I will be successful in my dreams, and I have courage to start the journey.  I have so much courage that I am on the mountaintop singing praises.

I don't always have such clarity.  Most of the time, I have prayed for little things like making it through the day, or having one good day.  I am going to start praying bigger from now on.  Not because life is meant to be easy or perfect, but because even in the hardest, smallest, frustrating, stressful, and unsure times, God spoke to me.  He blessed me with my own words.  What if every week I prayed big prayers?  How much more would I see God working in this world and through my life?  Four days, three words, and one Maker.  I am blown away, but hopeful that my faith will continue to provide me with courage I need to walk this journey.

But seek (aim at and strive after) first of all His kingdom 

and His righteousness (His way of doing and being right), 

and then all these things taken together will be given you besides. 

Matthew 6: 33 

Another Trip Around the Bend

In August of 2004, I was diagnosed with Adenomyosis at the age of 19.  At the time, I had heard from my OB/GYN that I might not be able to have children, that without medication I would continue to be in a lot of pain, and that it was a life-long disease without a cure.  Eight years later, I am married to a wonderful man.  My passion for children is still a driving force to being a play therapist, but mostly, a mother.  While Chris and I are not yet ready to have children at this exact moment, the Facebook photos of friends with children and each announcement of a birth is a gentle reminder that time is coming where I have to face my disease.  The same disease that haunted my grandmother for years, and the disease I gracefully try to ignore each day.


For eight years I have not had another laproscopy or exploratory surgery.  I have no idea what is going on in my body.  Part of it was my busy schedule, but most of it is the fear that my biggest dream to have a child may or may not be a possibility.  


The severity of this disease has increased since I have tried to prepare my body for child bearing years.  I've been on a diet for two months, only to lose a couple pounds.  I have severe pain where medication is not always working.  I have trouble with each bodily function during my cycle.  I have had some trying emotional days.  Sometimes it's the little things like not being able to fit in my jeans because my belly is so swollen.    There are days that I am so swollen that my pants physically hurt to wear.  Each day can be a battle.  There are days that I am worn out, emotional and overwhelmed.  While had a small and contained version of this while I had been on my medication the last eight years, I had no idea just how pervasive this disease was until I stopped treating it.  


Last Thursday was the first steps I have taken in a long time to acknowledge the reality of where my body is now.  I had my first doctor's appointment to address the issues head on since I was diagnosed.  I am no longer masking my disease with loads of hormones, and I truly do fear what will happen as the disease comes out of hibernation. This Thursday, my blood panels come back and I will find out how my hormone levels are and then what specialist I will go to.  I am finding myself overwhelmed with grief.  I have locked up my sadness and frustration about this since 2004, and now that I see these beautiful babies and think about my life, I get so worried, sad, and frustrated.


The hardest thing to do is trust that God has a plan, but I know He does.  It's that time in between that's the hardest.  Another journey around the mountain...  waiting for the sun to rise.  So this week, is a whole lot of that enduring patience and anxiety.  I am ready to know.  I am ready to be out of the darkness.  I am ready to work with what I have been given to some day build the family I dream of.  Over 65 years ago, my dad was born to my grandma who suffered from the same disease.  He gave an adopted 20 year old women the only blood relative she had ever known in her entire life.  And as I shared my pain to her she said with true empathy, "a child is a blessing even if it is a little orphan like I was".  In her story alone, I see the beauty of both birth and family through another means.

I know God has a plan for my family.  I don't quite yet know what it will look like, but I am trying to be open to whatever it might look like.  All I know is that I have been blessed.  I have so much love to give a child.  I have an amazing husband, an amazing home, an amazing family, and a very good God.  

Philippians 4:6

The Message (MSG)

 ^6-7Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.