Being Helped

Today is the fourth day I have been out of work since Monday.  I went in for surgery to scope for Endometriosis and to provide my doctor with information about how my body was looking after eight years without and exploratory surgery.  When I awoke on Monday from surgery, I was in a large amount of pain.  I had come out of anesthesia with my knees to my chest and tears streaming down my face.  Not the slow groggy awakening I had planned, but I pretty much came to realizing they had done more than just scope around.  To find out after eight years with Adenomyosis that I also have Endometriosis was a mixed bag of emotions.  Initially I had this "I knew it" sassy attitude because prior to this doctor I had gone through the ringer thinking I had everything under the sun wrong except Endometriosis.  I had basically been patted on the head and sent out the door each year being told that all of my other symptoms were "just in my head" or "just didn't have anything to do with what I had".  The research online had told me different, and the symptoms just did not line up with the first diagnosis.  So I left my first doctor after eight years of seeing her and I listened to a friend and got help from a specialist.

Then I started to realize over the last few days that just because I had the right diagnosis, doesn't mean the problem magically gets fixed.  This laproscopy has been far more invasive since they removed and burned out tissue.  This surgery has left me laid up for the last three days with little I can do.  With the pain medication, I can't drive or really do a lot of work.  With the risk of ripping stitches, I can't be running around.  Instead, I am spending lots of time on the couch with the dog and having people come by to help me.  Coming from someone who works in the helping profession, this has been extremely difficult for me because I realized I have a really hard time asking for help.  I have an even harder time accepting help and not feeling guilty or like I need to help back in return.  

At first it was kind of fun to have people serve me dinner and take care of things, but as of yesterday (a mere 48 hours after surgery) I was pacing by the back door wishing I was mowing the lawn or driving off to the next activity.  Being here on this couch alone all day I realized that even in the hustle and bustle of all that I do the majority of the time, I really do enjoy being busy and helping others.  I really enjoy having a productive life and that pretty much rules out my ability to just be a house wife.  Now, if I was able to drive and mow the yard, maybe I could keep myself busy with that, but probably not.  More than ever, I am realizing that I have a drive and passion for service, I just need to find some moderation in my life...  (I hear you mother... saying... "I told you so....")

I am just not used to a routine-less day where I am helpless except to take medication, eat, nap and watch television.  It's a very large paradigm shift especially when I spend the majority of my week helping others get their basic needs. I have my routine scheduled down to the 15 minute mark on my daily agenda.  I know who I will see, how long, and what we will do by a large list of abbreviations and initials.  I am so used to my morning routine of wake, coffee, dog, breakfast, get ready, drive, work that a little robot in my brain is going off each morning saying "this doesn't feel right".  I keep thinking, maybe tomorrow I will be all better. 

I am all about quick fixes.  I love to mow the lawn and paint because it makes huge impacts on spaces in a short amount of time.  Ironically, I am in the field of slowest progress, mental health.  In my own physical health recovery, I have found that my patience is impractically short as I keep trying to pop up like I don't have two incisions in my stomach.  I keep trying to roll out of bed like I won't be sore.  Day three being home and out of commission is settling in that this is going to be a process, not a quick fix.  I look over to my pup happily sleeping the day away.  She could care less that she hasn't checked her email, gotten the mail, or even eaten breakfast.  She just peacefully relaxes. 

I know after this point, I am about to embark on starting my business, transitioning into home based summer services, and all the other things at work.  I prayed for rest, peace, and renewal, and here I am with answered prayers.  So I guess I am just going to have to embrace this rest of the week from home.  I guess Macy and I might just have to learn to relax together.  I am going to have to start being ok with people helping me.  That's life I guess... a time to serve and a time to be served.