Faith, Hope and Courage

I came into the week with three words of prayer for God.  I knew I had some big appointments this week, so I prayed God would give me faith, hope and courage about my current private practice plans but also my future desire to have children.  I had no idea what would happen, but I kept hearing messages from Willow Creek and coming across scriptures in my quiet time about asking for things through prayer and how God does answer prayer... So after a long week and a long dodge ball game, I realized God did hear my cries and He has been revealing His trust to me abundantly each day this week.

Monday:  After a long day at the office, I drove to my attorney's office to go over the paperwork for my new business.  For three hours, we went through pages and pages of documents getting to know what my desire and my passions were to work with children.  I worked with a man with his own law firm who had practiced for over 37 years.  He is getting toward the end of his career, and the one thing he preached all night was that I recognize the value of family even before having a successful business.  He has two daughters, five grand kids, and a wife he has been married to since the start.  He beamed with pride not about his money, his luxurious office, or even his talent.  He beamed about his daughters and wife's intelligence and the joy he gets from being there for his family.  He complimented my desire to serve children and reminded me that it really is hard work.  He complimented my courage... the courage I didn't think I had.  He was encouraging and promised he would help get me started and help me develop a solid foundation for my business.  That night over cheeseburgers, I looked at Chris and said I felt a sense of relief and a sense of joy that I was starting to create my dream in a real and tangible way.

Tuesday:  For the last 8 years, I have been dealing with Adenomyosis (read last blog), and I finally got to a long awaited appointment with a doctor who has been serving women for over thirty years.  This doctor was referred from a good friend with a similar issue and while I doubted that anyone would really hear me and not down play my symptoms, I was shocked when I left the office after two hours feeling really heard with a long and short term plan (that my insurance covers).  To have someone say not IF but HOW and WHEN I could have my own children was all of the hope I needed.  I remember walking out of the office feeling like God had read my heart and had this doctor and his wife (who was the administrator) speak to me the way I needed to be heard.  I have faith that this doctor can help me after this week.

Wednesday:  After a trying day back at work, I returned to my office from the classrooms late in the day to find my wallet had been stolen right out of my purse.  Through the advice of some staff at school, I rushed home only to find that three of five of my credit cards had been used within two hours of going missing and I was rapidly seeing new charges appear on the computer screen.  After a couple hours of calling companies and sitting on hold, filing police reports, listing my stuff, and then having to do all of my work paperwork, I sat with a glass of sparkling wine on the back patio staring up at the sky.  Chris sat, too, and silently I just listened.  I realized the first few items purchased on my cards were food, gas, car parts.  The totals were under a hundred on each charge initially, and I pictured one of my families that I work with getting the basics to survive.  I thought about all of the money that was spent on those cards, I could have paid off the debt in cash and still had food in my pantry, money in my accounts, a nice house, a car with gas and insurance, and 1,000+ items that I really don't need.  If I had a credit card with endless funds I would be going to the outlet malls to restock an already full wardrobe or buy new furniture to replace older things.  I realized there is little I need, little I truly wish for, and none of those things I really need.  I have all I need and more.  I have financial security that many families don't.  I realized how much I have been blessed, how successful God has already made me, how strong and confident and protected I am.  Some how in losing all of my security, I felt more courageous.  Here I am at 26, financially in a place where I am not worrying day to day about myself or my family.  I had been so focused on all the things I still wanted that I forgot just how secure I was with all that I really need....

Thursday:  I had this eerie sense of "nonchalant"  attitude.  I was more sassy and fancy free with my kiddos and we laughed a lot today.  I was more "me" today.  I solved problems with my gut, and I stopped thinking about every last detail of right and wrong.  I started to feel fearless.  I stopped worrying about how things would turn out.  Then, it was time to go to my dodgeball game.  Usually, I am one of the last lonely girls in the back who rarely throws the ball.  I slowly jog and sit on my back heels thinking "I probably will just get hit or throw a bad ball, and surely, I can't catch", but tonight was different: I was courageous.  I had this sense of "no care" energy and drive.  I was bouncing like a bunny and stinging like a bee.  I was smiling, laughing, catching balls, getting people out, and sweating way more than usual.  I was on fire.  We not only won the game but we creamed them, and I was proud of myself.  I got off the bench, I played the entire game, and I stopped worrying.  I stopped worrying about everything.  It felt so good.  As we drove home, I realized just how much God answered my prayers this week in the weirdest ways.  But in the end, like right now, I have faith His plan for my life will come to pass, I have hope that if I have God's blessing I will be successful in my dreams, and I have courage to start the journey.  I have so much courage that I am on the mountaintop singing praises.

I don't always have such clarity.  Most of the time, I have prayed for little things like making it through the day, or having one good day.  I am going to start praying bigger from now on.  Not because life is meant to be easy or perfect, but because even in the hardest, smallest, frustrating, stressful, and unsure times, God spoke to me.  He blessed me with my own words.  What if every week I prayed big prayers?  How much more would I see God working in this world and through my life?  Four days, three words, and one Maker.  I am blown away, but hopeful that my faith will continue to provide me with courage I need to walk this journey.

But seek (aim at and strive after) first of all His kingdom 

and His righteousness (His way of doing and being right), 

and then all these things taken together will be given you besides. 

Matthew 6: 33