A Day of Victory

Today was one of those trying days that in recent history I would have turned to a piping hot bowl of mac and cheese or a half loaf of french bread.  It was one of those days at work where I get the "counter transference" of the hated mother, got to witness the hated mother/daughter interaction, and didn't get the production I wanted.  It took everything within me to not order a large cheeseburger and fries (and some bread sticks with cheese with a side of ranch).  It took more in me to not put on sweat pants when I got home and nap with the dog in bed with the curtains closed.  But I've been thinking about my "internal conversation" with myself lately.  A lot since this new year started.  If I am ever going to make it in my business, lose weight, or be the person I want to be, I know I need to make changes.  And since I am the only one I can change, I guess I will have to start doing some things differently. 

So after the initial shock of the afternoon wore off, I found myself not hearing my own words of encouragement but a montage of my mentors, supervisors, and best friends.  I heard today, "You can't work harder than your clients", "You can't want change for someone else", "Let go, Let God", and "Don't let one day, one person, or one experience define you".  I thought about lectures on counter transference.  I thought about those live supervision sessions where others talked about their clients.  I thought back to those little one liners that Pam used to say about clients and their parents.  And some how I rolled that up in my brain and took the dog on a bike ride.... ate a healthy dinner... and then ran the fastest two miles I have run in years. 

There is something magically powerful and holy about my heart's desire to experience God's love for humanity more and more each day.  While my world get's rocked in my work, God is constantly shaping me into more of the clinician that I want to be, but more so into the woman of God I want to be.  Today was a major victory.  Not only was I able to not take someone else's words and experiences with me personally, I was able to rise above my day and turn it into motivation for something good for myself.

Something about today made me want to fight harder for the life I have developed with Chris and my lovable fur ball.  And that's pretty cool because I read over my resolution and realized that by one idea, one goal planning session, I was able to overcome a battlefield that I have lost to in the past.  Today, I lost all of my "Christmas weight" and am on the road to losing even more back down to a "BMI appropriate weight", but today, I overcame the power of the negative words that once plagued me into over eating, withdrawal, depression and defeat. I cannot describe the high that gives me.  Now, I want to recreate this feeling day after day. 

Humanity is disappointing sometimes as a whole.  There is evil in the world and evil in people's hearts, but there is also good, holy, wonderfulness in the world.  And when you tune your heart to it, I think it prevails.  I guess I just never gave it a chance to change me.  I also indulged in self-pity and self-defeat.  I hope that God continues to use my weight loss and life style change as a witness that He is present in our world.  He is present in my life.  He is working when we want to work.  And the rest of the world is mere grains of sand compared to His goodness.  Hands in the air, spinning, smiling, and praising, it is a wonderful, graceful day despite the rain. 

Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, 

and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.  

-Psalm 23:6

The Power of My Words to Make Change

I have a love-hate relationship with New Year's Resolutions.  Some years, I am make them, and they jump start my brain back into the person I want to be.  Other years, I set these crazy and unrealistic life plans that leave me feeling like a failure after three weeks.  So this year, my hubby and I sat down in the living room over the mac fumbling over the last year and what we saw as strengths and weaknesses in our relationship, health, relationships with others, finances, etc.  We realized that maybe 2012 would be a great year to try and continue on good habits and restarts ones we had when we were single.  Here are my set of goals from our list:

2012 Lifestyle Goals

Spiritual

            Continue to be involved with weekly small group

            Complete all small group activities intentionally

Marriage

            Utilize small group for relationship building

            Date night 1 x per month

            See fertility doctor by March

Professional

            Develop a plan to get into private practice and start seeing clients before 06/12

            K- Complete license paperwork by 10/12

Diet

            Not eating past 8:30pm

            Not eating more than 1 serving of bread per day

            No white carbs

            1 vegetable serving every day

            1 fruit serving every day

            Stop using food rewards (use clothes, fun activities, bark park, etc)

            Red meat 1 x per week max

Exercise

            Work out 5 times per week min, 6 times max

            Complete Bob’s 6 week DVD series

            Not required to be together for workouts

            In order for a walk to count, it has to be at least 2 big loops

Financial

            Stick to budget we have set, no going over into next month’s spending

            Pay off furniture payment, use payments to go towards additional student loans

            Use Dave Ramsey’s envelope’s for purchases over $100

Lifestyle

            Limit to 1 TV show per night

            Walk Macy morning and night time

            Dine out 2 x per week max

            1 Nalgene of water/day

            Bed time is 10:30 on work nights

            Plan the next day’s schedule @ 10 PM

Rewards

            $25 per month if you achieve diet & exercise goals

            Monthly rewards can be “pushed” forward for a larger reward

As I got into it, I realized that most of these goals were more than feasible.  And as we listened to Joel Osteen (http://www.joelosteen.com/Broadcast/Pages/ThisWeeksMessage.aspx) talk about how we talk about ourselves, I realized that the only thing that has ever held me back is myself.  I am my biggest road block or my greatest vehicle for movement....  


Joel talked about how we talk about ourselves and the self-fulfilling prophecies we have for ourselves.  How many times do I call myself fat?  I say, if only I was ten pounds thinner or if only I didn't waste so much money on diet coke...   When I was about 12, I used to sit down in a chair and trace lines into my leg of where I wish there was not fat.  I obsess over my "muffin top" and my cottage cheese legs.  I sometimes let myself say, "oh well, at least I am married now" as if Chris has to love me just because we are married and not because I feel beautiful that day.   I have so many criticisms, but how can I possibly believe in myself if I am always putting myself down?

So resolution number one this year before the lifestyle goals is to believe in myself.  In my private practice workbook, I had to write what held me back from private practice and what I wrote was "the fear of failure" and my fear of failing comes out in each thing I say.  If I let my lips steer the ship of my life, I am going to end up fat, depressed, bored, unsuccessful, and without friends.  If I let God's truth about me pour from my lips, I will have hope, be sure of my good future, and be a blessing to myself and others.  God is going to use me for GREAT things this year.  And as I start to shape my life to a holistically healthy plan, I think the fruits of each of my labors will grow.  The counter to my fear of failure was a phrase I thought could challenge my fears with  which was, "I am in control of today" and I hope to use this phrase when my self doubt creeps in.  I am in control of each thing I eat, each dollar I spend, each minute I use.  I can do ALL things through Him who gives me strength.  I am going to say in the morning:  "I am God's creation, created in His image, and I am beautiful, strong, and healthy".  I am going to control temptation to eat solid sugars by saying, "I am in control of myself and my diet".  I am going to control my urge to procrastinate starting my business plans out of fear and say, "I am going to be successful in the business".  I am going to be in control and aware of my heart this year.  I think the rest of those goals will fall into place if I can just start believing in ME!

So here's to another year, another hope, a reset button in my brain to be more of the person who God wants me to be....

The Comfort of My Chair

Today, there was a great sermon preached at Grace by our favorite pastor, David Bell.  David has the way of taking the Word and bringing so much practical sense to my life when I seem to need it most.  The last few weeks I have been in constant prayer about work.  I have felt beyond overwhelmed with the severity of mental illness at my school.  Kids as young as first and second grade wanting to kill themselves on a daily basis, self injury, and endless trauma of all kinds normally seems to suck the life out of me.  I've used the analogy that if my heart and energy were a pitcher of water, I would bone dry by Wednesday, and not really always present by the end of the work week.  I never feel filled up when I return on Monday.  And lately, the deficit has taken it's toll.

In church, David preached about James 2 and how our faith without deeds is life less.  Afterward there was a song the worship pastor wrote the used the metaphor of someone sitting in their comfortable house in a big chair looking out their window into a storm and feeling God's call to get out of their comfort and help those in the storm of life.  As one can imagine, I instantly had my hands up in praise thinking about the fact that each day that I sip my coffee with my fluffy dog and wonderful husband in my comfortable home, I am preparing myself for another day in the storm.  I am preparing my heart, mind, and soul to experience sadness, deprivation, and trauma like I have never known it in my life.

See today, I continued to sit and ponder on how and why God has blessed me to be one of the few who have a "comfortable home out of the storms of life".  And lately, I just want to shut the blinds in my windows and ignore everything there is outside of this comfortable place.  There are days of the storm that rock me so hard to my core, that I want to hide under my comfortable chair and pretend like God never blessed me so much.  I think lately, I have felt like I "should" help these kids, and I "should" feel happy about it.  Today, I realized that there will be a lot of sorrow standing out in a storm all day.  There is a purpose for this home, to come back and regain my sense of self.

Today, as I thought about my comfortable house, I thought about the passage about building a house upon the rock (Matthew 7:24 Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.).  So many of my families do not know Jesus, and their lives are about survival.  This even could be said for many of my friends, drinking and jumping from relationship and relationship day to day to find joy, peace, or purpose.  Should my role not be only to stand with the broken in the sand but to actually help them to find a rock of foundation and a home of comfort of their own?  I can choose to stand every day in the storm with them, or I can be a light to the peace and joy that comes from knowing Jesus.  So often, I almost feel ashamed, nervous, or embarrassed as I stand with my families when I think about sharing my faith.  But it's my faith that got me to a place where I feel compelled to serve out of love every day.  It's my faith that has formed me to think less about myself and more for others.  It's my faith that has some how tied my messy life together and made it the blessing that it is.

I realized, yet again, what a beautiful thing it is to have a relationship with Christ today.  I realized just how much I need Him, the church family, and the hope that comes with knowing that some day we will all find the comfort of our "home".  Until then, I suppose to I will rest a bit in that comfortable chair and then suit up in my rain gear for another storm.  I think whether it be in the charter school, the play therapy room of a private practice, or in my own family, there will always be the storms of life.  I just had to recognize that the purpose of my life isn't to sit and observe.  I will have to just enjoy those quiet moment in the comfort of my chair as they are so very necessary to make it through the storms of this life.  So as the last few minutes of my weekend tick away, I play to go spend it with the people in my life who are my comfort, my peace, and my blessing.  Tomorrow will be another day in the storm, but tonight is where I fill myself up to send my self out tomorrow...  

Crawling

Sometimes when I am really struggling through the day, a song comes on and motivates me.  I guess that's the amazing thing about music.  Today, as I am about to pass out at 10 pm yet again because of a long and stressful day, I was passing through an old I-Pod playlist to come across Superchick's Crawling.  I realized, I am probably not the only one crawling through the day.  Maybe this song can help remind another person that God crawls through the messiness of life with us.  So enjoy Superchick :)  I just need to sing and worship through the days when it feels like I am crawling.  Maybe my kids see me as one who crawls with them, too.  Here's to hoping that the smallest thing can make a difference....

How long will this take?
How much can I go through?
My heart, my soul aches
I don't know what to do
I bend but don't break
And somehow I'll get through
'cause I have you

And if I have to crawl
Will you crawl too
I stumble and I fall
Carry me through
The wonder of it all
Is you
See me through

Oh Lord, where are you?
Do not forget me here
I cry in silence
Can you not see my tears?
When all have left me
And hope has disappeared
You find me here

And when I have to crawl
Will you crawl too
I stumble and I fall
Carry me through
The wonder of it all
Is you
See me through

When everything I was is lost
I have forgot where you have not
When I am lost you have not lost me(2x's)

You have not lost me

And if I have to crawl
Will you crawl too
I stumble and I fall
Carry me through
The wonder of it all
Is you
See me through

Another Hill to Climb

It's been over four months since we got married, and married life is much easier than I had planned.  I figured the first year of our marriage we would be having crazy little fights about the dishwasher and trying to get our budget in line.  I thought that all of the stuff I had been working for in my life would have fallen into place, and it would be what was in our house that was causing trouble.  Luckily, but ironically, it's more of the opposite.  I am back to realizing that the severely mentally ill population is just not the one for me.  I have been revisiting my journals, blogs, and essays only to find that I know I am not where I want to be professionally.

It hasn't helped that systemically where I am is a bit, well, unorganized, but I am finding myself unchallenged in someways and over challenged in others.  It's funny that the mental health field can be so stretching and diverse.  People sometimes say, "well, you're helping people", but sometimes being a therapist is more than just encouraging someone.  More times than not, I think therapy is about making changes and finding hope.  In small group for church, a new friend asked, "isn't it weird how community mental health is nothing like what you pictured you would do in school?"  The question stuck with me throughout the evening.  Intake paperwork, OTR's for more sessions, assessments, team meetings, and car trips to the doctor were never on my radar.  The time I would spend writing about a person rather than working with them almost seems to make the time we spend together so brief and less meaningful.

What I had pictured was....  I remember what it felt like to have a play therapy room where children came with their parents.  I remember engaged families who wanted to see change.  They showed for most appointments, had some insight to their roles, and were committed to the process.  My families weren't high in income, but they seemed to have some sort of investment in therapy.  They wanted change and they were willing to make changes to see changes.  I remember later nights with a mother who had escaped an abusive situation with her four children and I remember the conversation that last session when she looked back at her children's progress.  She cried and stated that for over a year all four of her kids were paralyzed with fear and seemed like they were reliving the trauma.  After eight months of play therapy, filial therapy, and family therapy sessions, the kids were blossoming.  With the children at the babysitter, she cried for two hours while we processed her own journey, her guilt and shame, her wishes for her children, her plan to get them there, and the joy she felt in knowing she had helped them by asking for help.

There was something wonderful about that old counseling center on 42nd street.  The old house had a sense of comfort, calmness, and separateness that most days I crave as the screaming kids, banging walls, and horrible bell systems seem to interrupt my children's stories of their lives.  Now days, I almost beg parents to come to session.  They have nothing to pay, no time to invest, and are only good at continuing to see the bad while still denying their role.  While I have moments of exception and days where I see a change, the majority of my time walking through community mental health has been a sad realization that change is a choice, and some people aren't ready to make that choice for themselves, their children, or their communities yet.

I think I am still on my journey.  I remember what it was like to have a sense of purpose as a therapist and not feel like a babysitter for angry children or a cab driver, lunch lady, disciplinarian.  I am getting that itch to figure out where this journey will lead.  I am getting closer to the top of another hill where the road will continue to lead down the next twist.  I think in some ways I will hate to let go, but in others, I need to for my own mental health.  I am plotting, planning, waiting for direction, but I will not stop.  I am not sure where this journey is leading but I am excited for the possibilities.  In the mean time, I am going to try and find the bright spots each day, even if I only spot a few...

I've never met a person, I don't care what his condition, in whom I could not see possibilities. I don't care how much a man may consider himself a failure, I believe in him, for he can change the thing that is wrong in his life anytime he is prepared and ready to do it. Whenever he develops the desire, he can take away from his life the thing that is defeating it. The capacity for reformation and change lies within.
~Preston Bradley~

Valley of the Shadow

They told us when I worked in foster care that you tell post adoptive parents in the process of therapy it normally gets worse before it gets better.  Comforting...?  When I start with families on their journey through therapy, I am sure they never think of letting their child sleep alone in a hospital room trying to keep them from killing themselves.  Kids are funny in the sense that so often we see them as these innocent beings who purely experience joy and play.  Working with children with mental illness is probably most difficult because every day I see students who sometimes hate living.  They find no joy in play, they have no motivation to work, and the world is bad. 

Today, as I admit my fourth child in my career to inpatient, I find myself overcome with the sorrow that parents reflect to me that their child "is really this bad".  I feel drained again.  I know going to the hospital means stability for this child, but then I am overcome with the daily struggles leading up to this decision.  Will this child ever just experience play, friendship, love, and a care-free day?  I am supposed to comfort, guide and counsel my families, but daily I wrestle with my own theological understanding of why children go through such pain.  I struggle to have words.  So I stopped and reflected... the only thing that came was a song by Mark Schultz:

I call, You hear me
I’ve lost it all
And it’s more than I can bear
I feel so empty
You’re strong
I’m weary
I’m holdin’ on
But I feel like givin’ in
But still You’re with me

And even though I’m walkin’ through
The valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I’ve been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will
Ever need
And He will carry me
I know I’m broken
But You alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You’re always with me

And even though I feel so lonely
Like I’ve never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said you’d see me through
The storm

And even though I’m walkin’ through
The valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I’ve been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will
Ever need
And He will carry me

Praying that the Lord carries me through tonight.  I pray he carries my kiddo and their family.  I pray he carries all my kids, their families, the teachers and staff, and all the other therapists and workers coming into the Valley of the Shadow daily....  We are in a battlefield... give us strength to fight again tomorrow.

The Faith of a Mustard Seed

Today is September 11th, and I've spent the past few days really processing the loss and changes in my world view since 2001.  I didn't ever really stop to think about the ripple of lives effected by 9/11 until this year.  Thinking about over 3,000 total people killed, thousands more injured, and millions who lost a friend, parent, sibling, child, mentor, or co-worker just sort of blew me away.  Over the last couple years of working in the mental health, I am always amazed by the power of one person to change someone's life.  Listening to the number of memories shared today on TV of the people lost, I realized just how big the tragedy really was for our country.  Something about it being 10 years ago also made me realize how much time changes things.  The small toddlers who lost their mommy's and daddy's in the attacks were now teens.  And I, a teen when it occurred, am now old enough to counsel high school teens.

I thought about the number of dreams that died that day.  Marriages meant to last until old age, parents who never saw their children grow, and friendships ended without truly saying good bye.  Time does pass quickly, and I am amazing how often I don't stop to think about each life, breath, goal, dream, and opportunity that comes my way.  Many times I am so future focused, I miss the innumerable amazing things in front of me.  Many of my days at work feel like waiting for the clock to hit 5pm, so I can go home.

Today for many moments I stopped to recognize the vastness of each human life.  God really slowed me down to recognize just how big the life in front of me has been, is now, and will continue to be.  Each kiss good bye, drive to work, lunch with a friend, session with a client, phone call to a loved one has meaning in this life no matter how insignificant it feels.  I thought back over the last year and just realized how many amazing moments have led me to this one.   Each human life has the potential for such an amazing long journey, rich with detail.  And I think most of the time we spend our lives waiting for the powerful moments when we forget to realize that it's the small conversation with a friend, a walk with your dog, or a family get together that can forever shape a relationship.

Last Friday, I was fried.  I said to my supervisor that I was not sure my work at my inner city school was really making an impact.  I felt useless, helpless, maybe even a hindrance to the kids growth.  The last four weeks have been a whirl wind of child self injury, impulsiveness, and defiance.  I've felt powerless in a giant world of negativity.  I think I was almost consumed by the darkness, when my supervisor reminded me of my role of planting a seed.  I plant a seed a love, patience, boundaries, care, and protection in each of the lives of my 26 students.  Over the last three years, I have worked with over 200 families in Central Indiana in four locations.  I planted hundreds of seeds.  Hundreds of small moments that I know God will use for his glory.  Not because of me, but because I came to serve in love even in the days when I feel selfish.  I know I could have picked an easier life, but I chose this one because I felt called to give.

So tomorrow I start a day of small moments.  I pray I am intentional with each of them.  I hope I am daily reminded that each comment, hug, high five, encouraging word, eye contact, or suggestion could be what helps someone make it through the day.  When I leave this earth and see Jesus face to face, I can only pray that he looks at me and says, "Look at all those little seeds and how they grew... you couldn't see them up close but now when you step back, here they are".  I think if I learned anything from 9/11, it was the value of one life.  We all have the power to change the world for someone or sometimes many people.  Never forget how much power you have...

Jesus told them. "I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it would move. Nothing would be impossible."