Fragile Shell

Toward the end of training today, I started to realize just how off I still feel from my last job.  After months of empty threats, broken promises, and no support, I realize just how big of a hit my self-confidence took on a professional and personal level while working in a negative environment for six months.  Today, in day two of training, I could not seem to fully grasp our super intense software program and style of treatment planning.  It was similar to my work at CTS, but it had some changes that were really quite hard for me to get.  The goal was to form objectives in a solution-focused way, but all I could think about were the problems.  Immediately, my body temperature rose.  I felt like I was back in Dr. Miller's theology class when I was caught frogging around on my computer (aka watching family guy on hulu) and without a book: naked and crazily embarrassed.  As my treatment plans were dissected in front of the training group, I felt like that ignorant, newly graduated therapist that I was told I was in my first job.  I immediately felt like maybe I was not cut out for it, again.

And then, I just sort of froze.  What is happening to me?  I used to be so confident and willing to keep fighting to learn.  And then it set in, I felt like a failure before I even started.  I knew I needed to go home and re-center, but the supervisor saw I was struggling, too.  I think it was because I started the day full of life, but by the end I just kept saying, "I just don't get how this relates to that" and then the blank stare.  But then, instead of being belittled or made to feel stupid, she said, "you know, you're really bright, but I think you're way too hard on yourself.  You have got to give your self like 6 months to feel really good about this stuff.  I think once you get to the schools you're going to be amazing".  "WHAT?" I thought... "me hard on myself??" (Funny, I still focused on the problem...)   I started to check for angel wings on her back.  Granted it was the first day of my period so I was already an emotional train wreck, but for once a boss built me up rather than tearing me down and I felt like overwhelmed with joy and understanding and comfort.  She asked why I felt like I needed to know it all in two days... Why... why....

I was going to just say that's just how I am (a little OCD and neurotic), but I realized that my ability to extend grace to myself (which was already a struggle before my last job) completely went down the toilet over the last six months.  Before I might be annoyed, but now I just felt down right defeated.  DAMN positive thinking techniques that I can't seem to get to work for me!!! I wanted to tell her it was just me, but I knew that the truth was I was not someone who feels defeated, I am a fighter (NOT A QUITTER!)

So instead, I told her a brief snip-it of why I came to Cummins after only six months some where else.  After two sentences, she reached out and hugged me and said, "it's a good thing you got out of there, no one deserves to be treated like that".  Again, seriously... angel?  I have been so worried, so scared, and so anxious that this job would be another failure, that I would be made to feel incompetent because maybe I really am.  Instead, she told me that I was incredibly approachable, warm, and easy to talk to.  She made me blush and again, she reached out and to hug me and said, "I think you'll really like it here".  I was thinking... "you think... I already know now".

I realized today my once tough egg is now an extremely fragile shell.  But on the outside, I am still doing well, still functioning.  I think I just have to relearn to trust my ability.  She said it would take like 18 months to heal from my crappy job experience and the lack of support I had.  18 months from now, I will be married over a year, living in a house, almost a licensed clinician, and 27 years of age.  That's a long time to regain confidence.  But I suppose considering all that's occurred, maybe it's not so crazy after all.  It's amazing that so much damage was done in about five months of time.  But the damage doing is done, and now I need to rebuilt the wall.  I have to reconstruct myself with new meanings (going very post-modern after my training).  I need to remember that the negative people I worked with were a couple of 7 million people in the world.  Today however, one person made a difference for me in 10 minutes.  One person can really make a difference, can really bring hope, peace and joy ... in 10 minutes.  That gives me hope that maybe the last six months were not a waste, but maybe just maybe, I made a difference.  Thank God for a new beginning...  I pray that God redeems my work for his glory.  I pray he uses me to be a light.  And maybe through my own journey, I will see true glory in his people, too.  I know today was a little bit of what's to come.  Again I say, I am so blessed.

God will use whatever he wants to display his glory. Heaven and stars. History and nations. People and problems.

Max Lucado