Dear Pumpkin...

I keep reading how that when you are pregnant, you should journey your thoughts and feelings for your baby.  As my ninth week comes to a close, I have had many thoughts, but probably fleeting ones that my baby, aka "pumpkin", will probably never really care to know.  However, I am doing all the other things like not eating lunch meat, cutting back of caffeine and taking boats loads of vitamins, so this blog is for you little teddy gram. 

Dear Pumpkin Siegl (don' worry, we have plans to change your name before you're born),

Over the last nine weeks I have felt panic, joy, irritation, depression, more panic, exhaustion, annoyance, sick, and more panic.  While I have wanted you since I was three, and had a bald cabbage patch doll named Trevor, I was not quite prepared for your arrival into my life.  It kind of felt like watching Dumbo like when all the baby animals fell from the sky from the storks and all the mommy and daddy animals got excited and nervous all at the same time.

Then all the weird changes in my body began.  First, I felt like I had the flu (or a bad hangover) relentlessly for the last five weeks.  I know you were here because I almost threw up at the Taste of Tippicanoe when your daddy and I decided to share a lamb slider while attending with your grandparents (Grandma and Grandpa Byrnes).  Maybe it was the mint or hint of rosemary, but in that moment, I felt sick to my stomach like never before.  All of the sudden mommy felt like she was going to throw up all day every day.  One week, I wanted chicken tacos and ate tacos five times in four days.  One week, I wanted cheese pizza.  One week I liked PBJ sandwiches.  Mommy went from drinking gallons of coffee and diet coke to drinking Gatorade, water and really anything that didn't make me sick.  Most of the time, I just didn't want to eat or drink anything at all.

This week I feel much better and have eaten a little more.  I only feel sick in the evening after work and I normally take a three hour nap after being in the hot car and working with kids all day.  Growing a baby is hard work.  You have to take vitamins, folic acid, some tylenol for body aches, b6 vitamins and unisom so you don't throw up and sometimes this other pill that's suppose to make you feel better (it really doesn't, but at least sometimes I like to pretend it might work).   You also have to keep being yourself that you were before you were pregnant, but figure out ways to slow down and take care your body.  Mommy has had a very hard time with this because she used to like to be busy-busy-busy all the time.  But since you came into my life, I have started to relax more and let Daddy take control more often.   Poor daddy has been left alone most nights to play volleyball and basketball with his friends, walk Macy, and eat junk food while Mommy usually sleeps on the couch and tries to catch up on her paperwork for work.  (I think he likes that part a little bit).

Everyone is so excited for you.  This week we told the world about you and over a hundred people made comments on facebook.  What's facebook?  Well, its this thing on the computer... (I'll explain later).  I think a lot is about to change in my life.  So much already has.  But I think I am getting more and more ready for you to come.  Not quite 100% ready, but they say most mommies are never really ready.  Grandma says that they don't give parents a book on how to be a good parent.  So be patient with us.  I am sure we are about to make big mistakes like forgetting diapers when we go out to dinner or not getting the bath water just right, but we will promise to always try our best.

From here on out, if you want to decrease the heart burn, acid reflux, and stomach pains, I am a-ok with that.  If not, I guess I will just keep sleeping and you can listen to the television in the background.  Just wanted to let you know, we love you, and you are slowly becoming the center of our world.  Be good, grow steady, don't pull any plugs, and don't come out until I say so.

Love,

 your mother (and hopefully future best friend once your an adult)

PS. Dad and the grand parents say hi.  The Byrnes' hope you're a boy and hope you play football at Purdue, and the Siegl's are just happy for a grand baby.  Don't feel like your disappointing anyone if you're a girl.  Mommy really wants a girl, but will be happy no matter how you come out.  Enjoy your hibernation!

Unexpected Miracle

Our church preached about miracles about a month ago.  I sat that Sunday hearing that word "Miracle" and thinking, I have one, right here.  Three months ago, I was diagnosed to endometriosis after being diagnosed with adnomyosis at the age of 18.  I was given the hope that some day I should be able to conceive, but I might need fertility treatment and time for my body to get hormones balanced.  I was okay with that with a budding new business, nearing getting my license, and my marriage only a year in; I thought time was something I could spare.  When I looked at my laperoscopy pictures, I remember seeing the large black abscess on my uterus, and I truly wondered if this doctor was just blowing smoke up my butt, trying to get me to put my endocrine system in his hands with hormones and injections.  I was offered a treatment to put my endometriosis "to sleep" for the next year while Chris and I thought about family planning.  I prayed hard about it and thought maybe it would be nice to not have pain, bloating and a year of bowel strain, but in the end, I had decided I didn't feel right going from eight years of hormone therapy to another kind of hormones.  I just wanted to see if between diet, exercise, prayer, and trying to balance my life that I could some how balance my body.

About a month ago, I started to feel exhausted from work, sick from the heat, and just not myself.  I was bloated, had cramps, but I knew something wasn't right.  The week of my mothers birthday in mid June, three of the mothers of my clients asked if either I was pregnant or if I was planning to have kids soon.  I was a little taken aback as I knew I had been struggling to lose weight and I certainly did not feel good, but I did not in any way think it would be possible that I was pregnant.  But I mean, there was a chance I could be, but I thought, "no, I can't be".  See I have read the research.  People with endo and adno combined have so much trouble conceiving children that they rarely get pregnant without some kind of intervention.  They certainly don't get pregnant with a few moments here and there without birth control.

And then the morning sickness grew and in a moment of part desperation and part wanting to convince myself I wasn't crazy, I bought two of the cheapest pregnancy tests that Target sells.  Around 11pm on Father's Day 2012, I took one of those tests.  Then I sent Chris out for one of those fancy tests that actually say "Pregnant" or "Not Pregnant".  Then I took another cheap one.  Then I called the doctor.  For the last five weeks I have been in a state of shock.  "Could it be?  Could I really be pregnant?"

Well, after an ultra sound, a heart beat, and a mini photo sheet of a tiny little teddy gram, I suppose God has blessed us with the biggest miracle of all.  I remember there was a time my disease was in a big flare up about three years ago, and I sobbed on the floor of my apartment in grad school at the thought of not being able to have a family of my own.  It was a moment of desperation.  Then again a year ago, around the time we got married and they offered prayer at our church for people with illnesses and though Chris and I were weeks into marriage, I had the woman pray for us that some day we would be able to make a family.  I just prayed, year in and year out, when I saw tiny baby feet and friends posting their precious pictures, I just kept praying, "God, if it's your will, give me the desires of my heart, to be a mother..."

  So, here it is... the news is official.  The Siegl's are pregnant, and we are due February 23, 2013.  Due on the day that exactly 10 years ago to the day that I accepted Christ as my savior on a mountain top in Laurelville, Pennsylvania.  I had no idea in ten years God to turn me from someone who doubted His existence, to someone who proclaims His miracles and praises His good deeds in my life.  

Today I announce, God has blessed us with an "unexpected miracle" 

and I will never be the same....

Heb 11:1: Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

Finally Listening

My husband had to leave out of town for the entire weekend.  It's the first time in months that I truly have nothing special on the agenda, not in pain for post-op surgery, and no real worries to attend to unless I allow myself to go there.  I prayed a few weeks back that if I was meant to leave community mental health and move on fully without guilt to my private practice (again, WITHOUT GUILT) that God would close one door and open the other.  I knew when I prayed this, that I was basically asking for the next 7-12 months of my life to feel like hell as closing doors almost always comes with a lot of emotional garbage.  Nevertheless, I prayed feverishly I would hear God's voice telling me where to go, and how to feel confident in that decision.

So, not to my surprise, the last couple weeks have continued to build and build with reaffirmations that my heart and long term vision for myself is not in social work but is in clinical therapy, specifically working with people who truly want to change and are ready to make a commitment to change their lives.  I have found that either spring fever or some full moon system has caused a grand majority of my children, their families, and the surrounding systems to know my buttons and push them religiously.  I have found my patience much thinner, my heart more weary, and my faith in humanity more and more shaky.  Maybe I am just more attuned to it, but I have been taken aback so many times in the last month that I have been ready to grab my play therapy toys and just walk out a few times without looking back.  (Good thing I am not a quitter). I even started thinking of other jobs that might pay comparably that I could just jump into and forget everything involving therapy including my private practice.  Luckily, I had a few really good MFT supervisors back at CTS who always warned that burn out would feel this way, and as much as I would doubt myself, it was because I was working in the trenches of social work and not doing the clinical work I was trained for as the majority of my work.

One thing I have noticed about myself, no matter how many times God is faithful to me, is I have a hard time trusting God.  Patience, trust, and letting go are just three things this neurotic, take charge woman doesn't do without a lot of preparation and prayer.  I am getting to the point where I am on my knees asking God how He can continue to strengthen me to endure the next year, trust in His plans for my life, and prepare my business with over flowing blessing.  I hope this blog is like one of those Biggest Loser pre-ranch videos.  I want to say, "Look Kerrie, here I am untrusting, broken, willing to give up so easily, and disheartened.  But look at you now!  A successful business owner, a fully licensed therapist, and God did PREVAIL and PROVIDE!  You struggled to trust him, but you did.  You used your resources but God blessed it.  You never gave up, and you continued to serve His people in both offices depending on His strength and not your own...  Now, look.  God has brought in the harvest of your faith and you can continue to move forward with the plan for your life".  

Then I will sit crying a little, smiling and crying tears of joy.  Thinking of all the people who helped me a long the way...  I'll feel on fire and wanting to trust God with more of my life.  That's my prayer for the next year.  I want a life change moment of faith.  I feel like I went stagnant for awhile and I've been comfortable enjoying the blessings I have been given.  This is a HUGE step for me.  While I down play my excitement, I am trying to balance it with the idea that I have to still keep working in two places at one time for at least the next seven months (if not more like a year).  And while, I am super happy, I am also thinking of that Biggest Loser contestant standing on the scale on week 2 (you know the one where they don't lose very much because they had that HUGE drop the week before?)  I have a long, LONG way to go.  I started this journey last September, and I am just not making it somewhat a reality.  At the same time, I am weighing to equally powerful emotions, that God gives me the blessings of a great opportunity, but the reality check that I have a lot to do to make the most of this blessing...

So here I am.  Trying to figure out how God will use me, strengthen me, work through me, and provide for me and how I fit into all of that.  I hope by the time Chris comes home, that God has allowed me to listen long enough that I feel His presence in my life's work.  I've had a few bad weeks, but I think sometimes being brought to my knees is what I need in order to ask for help.  Call me stubborn, independent, and unwilling to reach out, but I suppose those same weaknesses give the courage and confidence to take risks like starting my own business at this time in my life.  I am seeking wisdom, some kind of miraculous sign, a stamp of approval, or a "God moment" where the Red Sea parts and I know how and where to move forward to keep from being eaten up.  So here I sit listening this weekend... I am ready to find some wisdom....

Proverbs 2:1-5

New International Version (NIV)

Moral Benefits of Wisdom

2 My son, if you accept my words
    and store up my commands within you,
² turning your ear to wisdom
    and applying your heart to understanding —
³ indeed, if you call out for insight
    and cry aloud for understanding,
⁴ and if you look for it as for silver
    and search for it as for hidden treasure,
⁵ then you will understand the fear of the Lord
    and find the knowledge of God.