Finally Listening

My husband had to leave out of town for the entire weekend.  It's the first time in months that I truly have nothing special on the agenda, not in pain for post-op surgery, and no real worries to attend to unless I allow myself to go there.  I prayed a few weeks back that if I was meant to leave community mental health and move on fully without guilt to my private practice (again, WITHOUT GUILT) that God would close one door and open the other.  I knew when I prayed this, that I was basically asking for the next 7-12 months of my life to feel like hell as closing doors almost always comes with a lot of emotional garbage.  Nevertheless, I prayed feverishly I would hear God's voice telling me where to go, and how to feel confident in that decision.

So, not to my surprise, the last couple weeks have continued to build and build with reaffirmations that my heart and long term vision for myself is not in social work but is in clinical therapy, specifically working with people who truly want to change and are ready to make a commitment to change their lives.  I have found that either spring fever or some full moon system has caused a grand majority of my children, their families, and the surrounding systems to know my buttons and push them religiously.  I have found my patience much thinner, my heart more weary, and my faith in humanity more and more shaky.  Maybe I am just more attuned to it, but I have been taken aback so many times in the last month that I have been ready to grab my play therapy toys and just walk out a few times without looking back.  (Good thing I am not a quitter). I even started thinking of other jobs that might pay comparably that I could just jump into and forget everything involving therapy including my private practice.  Luckily, I had a few really good MFT supervisors back at CTS who always warned that burn out would feel this way, and as much as I would doubt myself, it was because I was working in the trenches of social work and not doing the clinical work I was trained for as the majority of my work.

One thing I have noticed about myself, no matter how many times God is faithful to me, is I have a hard time trusting God.  Patience, trust, and letting go are just three things this neurotic, take charge woman doesn't do without a lot of preparation and prayer.  I am getting to the point where I am on my knees asking God how He can continue to strengthen me to endure the next year, trust in His plans for my life, and prepare my business with over flowing blessing.  I hope this blog is like one of those Biggest Loser pre-ranch videos.  I want to say, "Look Kerrie, here I am untrusting, broken, willing to give up so easily, and disheartened.  But look at you now!  A successful business owner, a fully licensed therapist, and God did PREVAIL and PROVIDE!  You struggled to trust him, but you did.  You used your resources but God blessed it.  You never gave up, and you continued to serve His people in both offices depending on His strength and not your own...  Now, look.  God has brought in the harvest of your faith and you can continue to move forward with the plan for your life".  

Then I will sit crying a little, smiling and crying tears of joy.  Thinking of all the people who helped me a long the way...  I'll feel on fire and wanting to trust God with more of my life.  That's my prayer for the next year.  I want a life change moment of faith.  I feel like I went stagnant for awhile and I've been comfortable enjoying the blessings I have been given.  This is a HUGE step for me.  While I down play my excitement, I am trying to balance it with the idea that I have to still keep working in two places at one time for at least the next seven months (if not more like a year).  And while, I am super happy, I am also thinking of that Biggest Loser contestant standing on the scale on week 2 (you know the one where they don't lose very much because they had that HUGE drop the week before?)  I have a long, LONG way to go.  I started this journey last September, and I am just not making it somewhat a reality.  At the same time, I am weighing to equally powerful emotions, that God gives me the blessings of a great opportunity, but the reality check that I have a lot to do to make the most of this blessing...

So here I am.  Trying to figure out how God will use me, strengthen me, work through me, and provide for me and how I fit into all of that.  I hope by the time Chris comes home, that God has allowed me to listen long enough that I feel His presence in my life's work.  I've had a few bad weeks, but I think sometimes being brought to my knees is what I need in order to ask for help.  Call me stubborn, independent, and unwilling to reach out, but I suppose those same weaknesses give the courage and confidence to take risks like starting my own business at this time in my life.  I am seeking wisdom, some kind of miraculous sign, a stamp of approval, or a "God moment" where the Red Sea parts and I know how and where to move forward to keep from being eaten up.  So here I sit listening this weekend... I am ready to find some wisdom....

Proverbs 2:1-5

New International Version (NIV)

Moral Benefits of Wisdom

2 My son, if you accept my words
    and store up my commands within you,
² turning your ear to wisdom
    and applying your heart to understanding —
³ indeed, if you call out for insight
    and cry aloud for understanding,
⁴ and if you look for it as for silver
    and search for it as for hidden treasure,
⁵ then you will understand the fear of the Lord
    and find the knowledge of God.

Being Helped

Today is the fourth day I have been out of work since Monday.  I went in for surgery to scope for Endometriosis and to provide my doctor with information about how my body was looking after eight years without and exploratory surgery.  When I awoke on Monday from surgery, I was in a large amount of pain.  I had come out of anesthesia with my knees to my chest and tears streaming down my face.  Not the slow groggy awakening I had planned, but I pretty much came to realizing they had done more than just scope around.  To find out after eight years with Adenomyosis that I also have Endometriosis was a mixed bag of emotions.  Initially I had this "I knew it" sassy attitude because prior to this doctor I had gone through the ringer thinking I had everything under the sun wrong except Endometriosis.  I had basically been patted on the head and sent out the door each year being told that all of my other symptoms were "just in my head" or "just didn't have anything to do with what I had".  The research online had told me different, and the symptoms just did not line up with the first diagnosis.  So I left my first doctor after eight years of seeing her and I listened to a friend and got help from a specialist.

Then I started to realize over the last few days that just because I had the right diagnosis, doesn't mean the problem magically gets fixed.  This laproscopy has been far more invasive since they removed and burned out tissue.  This surgery has left me laid up for the last three days with little I can do.  With the pain medication, I can't drive or really do a lot of work.  With the risk of ripping stitches, I can't be running around.  Instead, I am spending lots of time on the couch with the dog and having people come by to help me.  Coming from someone who works in the helping profession, this has been extremely difficult for me because I realized I have a really hard time asking for help.  I have an even harder time accepting help and not feeling guilty or like I need to help back in return.  

At first it was kind of fun to have people serve me dinner and take care of things, but as of yesterday (a mere 48 hours after surgery) I was pacing by the back door wishing I was mowing the lawn or driving off to the next activity.  Being here on this couch alone all day I realized that even in the hustle and bustle of all that I do the majority of the time, I really do enjoy being busy and helping others.  I really enjoy having a productive life and that pretty much rules out my ability to just be a house wife.  Now, if I was able to drive and mow the yard, maybe I could keep myself busy with that, but probably not.  More than ever, I am realizing that I have a drive and passion for service, I just need to find some moderation in my life...  (I hear you mother... saying... "I told you so....")

I am just not used to a routine-less day where I am helpless except to take medication, eat, nap and watch television.  It's a very large paradigm shift especially when I spend the majority of my week helping others get their basic needs. I have my routine scheduled down to the 15 minute mark on my daily agenda.  I know who I will see, how long, and what we will do by a large list of abbreviations and initials.  I am so used to my morning routine of wake, coffee, dog, breakfast, get ready, drive, work that a little robot in my brain is going off each morning saying "this doesn't feel right".  I keep thinking, maybe tomorrow I will be all better. 

I am all about quick fixes.  I love to mow the lawn and paint because it makes huge impacts on spaces in a short amount of time.  Ironically, I am in the field of slowest progress, mental health.  In my own physical health recovery, I have found that my patience is impractically short as I keep trying to pop up like I don't have two incisions in my stomach.  I keep trying to roll out of bed like I won't be sore.  Day three being home and out of commission is settling in that this is going to be a process, not a quick fix.  I look over to my pup happily sleeping the day away.  She could care less that she hasn't checked her email, gotten the mail, or even eaten breakfast.  She just peacefully relaxes. 

I know after this point, I am about to embark on starting my business, transitioning into home based summer services, and all the other things at work.  I prayed for rest, peace, and renewal, and here I am with answered prayers.  So I guess I am just going to have to embrace this rest of the week from home.  I guess Macy and I might just have to learn to relax together.  I am going to have to start being ok with people helping me.  That's life I guess... a time to serve and a time to be served.