Continual Need for Affirmation

I am one of those kinds of people who needs to be encouraged a lot.  I like to encourage others and build them up, but probably because I need it.  Throughout this process of leaving my job and becoming self-employed my anxiety levels have gone through the roof.  I am a constant run away train of "what if thoughts" if I let myself go to that place.  If I keep myself busy, I find I am less emotional on the outside, but continue to hold a pile of anxiety on the inside.  I am craving order right now.  From my sock drawer, office, and baby stuff, I am finding while I am manipulating my physical world, my emotional world feels just a little bit safer. In other words, I am a hot mess some days.  I am managing the other days and sometimes I even feel validated and encouraged that I am doing the right things.

Throughout the last month, I feel like so many things have happened to show me I am headed in the right direction, but yet, I come back down this bunny trail of doubt time and time again.  "Can we pay this bill?"  "How will we pay for extras?"  and "What if it all falls apart?"  When I go to that place, I am as good as gone.  My stomach in knots, headaches, backaches, and nausea.  It's not good.  And I would say, I am in that place far more often than I ever have been in my life.

I found this post on facebook and I said, "THAT'S ME!!"  I realize far many more people have had a baby, quit their job, and made a plan to make it work.  Far many more people were in worst situations.  Far many more people had  no family to support them, no spouse to depend on, and no church to love them.  Far many more people didn't have another business lined up.  Far many more people are far more brave than I am.  Far many more people survived, triumphed, and were successful.  So what do I really need?

Other than 10k to pay off student loans and 11 windows across the back of our house, I need to be reaffirmed by the Lord on a regular basis that His plan is my plan.  I need to be re-affirmed that the stress is temporary.  I need to be reminded that I am doing this for a child who could easily go somewhere for daycare but will benefit from a mother who can be physically and emotionally present at the end of the day.  I am doing this for me...  All those years of studying, clinical hours, supervision, low pay in community mental health, I am doing this for my dreams and goals.  I am doing this to be a model for my child that nothing is out of reach if you believe in yourself.   So... why do I struggle so much with this concept?  

I am not the kid leaping off the diving board with blind courage.  I am the whimpy one feeling shoved off the edge.  Ugh, there's no turning back...  I could just get off, turn around and walk away, but now there's a line of kids waiting for me to take my turn.  "Just Go"  "just do it" "It's awesome".  It doesn't feel awesome....

2.5 weeks left of working at my job and then its me... on my own... in my private practice.  Taking the plunge off the diving board.  Never in my life have the stakes been so high, but the pay out so big.  Never in my life have I truly trusted myself to take care of myself and my family.  Never in my life have I even truly worried about money.  It's just money...  Ugh the tug of war in my mind.  

I am at the edge... about to jump... I've made the decision and there is no going back.  I just need more encouragement.  I just need to know I won't drown and it won't hurt too bad.   Ready to start plugging my nose...