The Peak of Dawn

Tomorrow is my wedding.  The dress is hanging up on the door, my bags are packed, and the rehearsal is over with.  Ironically, I think I've worked out most of the anxiety for the night.  In silence I sit and think about the day ahead.  It's like I know this journey is about to have it's splendor.  There is excitement, but this feels like those first few minutes in the dark before the sun comes over the horizon.  I know it's coming on it's time and I have an ironic sense of peace about it.  This last 13 months has been months of planning and today I crossed off the last of the tasks on theknot.com's to do list. 

The hard part is over.  The climb, the struggles, the decisions.  Now I just have to wait to float down that aisle and marry the man of my dreams.  To some that would be anxiety provoking, but for me, it feels like it's just meant to be.  I have no doubts going into tomorrow.  I feel like I am about to be a little more complete.  I am ready to get married.  I am ready to finally call Chris my husband.

I am tired, maybe even worn out.  Tomorrow will be a long day, but a day of joy.  I have pictured it in my head, and like all of my pictures, it will probably be different, but I have a few magical moments when I stop feeling like I could throw up, stop sweating, and just realize the magic, the power, the holiness of the day.  Tonight is my solitude with the creator of marriage.  I am in awe that I was created and have found a love like this.  No where in my life story do I find that I deserve this kind of love, but here I am....  God has been so good to me, and it's about to get better.  Now I just wait.  The sun is about to rise and I am so close.  The splendor of a sun rise or a sun set is so small in comparison to the time in a day.  I want to savor it.  I want to bask in it.  I want to be at peace and attentive to detail and find pure joy in it.  This is my sunrise, one of the few in my life. 

8 hours from now, the happiest day of my life will begin.  There will be storms in life ahead, but tomorrow is my moment in the sun.  Once in a lifetime moments have made up a good chunk of the last year: getting a masters, getting engaged, buying a house, and now getting married.  This one is the big one.  I'm ready, I'm joyful, and I cannot wait to be Mrs. Christopher James Siegl. 

Pebbles and Mountains

As I journey on closer to the wedding, I've started to hit the snares and snarls that every bride with a large wedding describes.... "it was just those last two weeks before the wedding"... "I just couldn't wait for it to be over" etc. etc.  The last few days what felt like mountainous climbs on an endless hill have continued to be re-proportioned.   While my emotions feel like a nightly tornado sweeping in after business hours sifting through 20 wedding related emails and all the emotions that draw with it, I found myself just caught up and stuck.  Devastated in the wake of reality, I think I've taken on a zoomed in notion of what used to be the fun little things I did on a Sunday.  I'm not saying I want it all to be over, far from it, I think I just forgot that as I staggered up the mountain, I was simply staring at my feet and I forgot to look around.

It's sort of ironic that for a few days I've been overly consumed by meaningless pebbles getting in the way of watching the rising sun.  In the day time, I process sexual abuse trauma, deal with families being evicted, poverty, gang violence, murder, incest, neglect, loss, criminal acts of violence, etc etc etc.  With my clients, who are barely standing, much less making progress in walking up the hill, I found myself pouting and tantruming over pebbles.

I used to use a metaphor with foster parents to help them acknowledge the struggle their kids carried.  "Imagine yourself with a hiking pack on your journey up a mountain.  You find yourself alone climbing up steep terrain, tired, lonely, scared.  When you turn to your left and see hundreds of your peers climbing quickly, almost running up the hill.  You realize quickly the packs are empty or only contain a few small pebbles of weight.  They laugh, smiles, talk with their friends, and enjoy the afternoon hike.  Somehow you remember at the beginning of your journey, people placed large rocks, almost boulders in your bag.  You carried them believing everyone else carried them, too.  While it was hard, you pressed on.  People said, "you'll be alright, you have a long journey to climb".  So you climbed and climbed.  No one understood you, they passed you.  People laughed and mocked you for being behind.  They ran ahead, not knowing you had so much more weight to carry.  Now here you are half way up the mountain.  People want to see you move, but they don't realize that you are tired and weighed down.  Then a caring motherly figure opens your bag.  She sees the boulders covered by your sack and instantly she knows why now you've been so tired.  You struggle to hang on or trust that anyone else can carry your weight, so you just press on".

I was taking a shower inside my new shower curtain in my new house.  As I plan for my wedding to the man of my dreams.  I mentally start to look in my pack.  What felt like a full sack is really just pebbles.  It's funny that I could mistake the difference in weight, size, or shape compared to my kiddos.  Tonight, I have a home I can pay for, groceries to eat, a wedding to plan, a honeymoon to look forward to, health, transportation, family, love, support.  I should be running up the mountain carefree and giddy.  Who cares about the few pebbles rolling around making noise?

The sun is about to rise.  I've been waiting to see it for what seems like forever.  I know the hope it brings for a moment that a new beginning is coming.  I am just so thankful I am going to have the strength to make it to the top.  I am just so thankful that when I was sent on this journey I was privileged with a fairly light pack, shoes to walk in and people to encourage my walk.  Please let me be reminded the pebbles are just pebbles compared to the mountains that many climb.  Keep me humble and real.  Remind me just how much you've blessed me.

Resting in His Arms

Every time I go to an amusement park or day long activity one of the cutest things I love to see are all the small children passed out about 2pm.  Their heads are either hung down in their stroller or rolling off their parents shoulders.  They seem lifeless and worn out so much so that all of the noise and excitement is unheard and unseen as they peacefully rest and regain strength for more.  It's like the entire morning of sights, sounds, and senses has overwhelmed them to the point they are just worn out.  There is no waking a toddler in one of these states as they normally just reposition themselves and return to sleep.  I wondered if adulthood ever had those sensory overload times where sleep just came no matter how crazy things are.  I think, I have found that place. 

For the last nine months or so, I've moved, started two jobs, planned a wedding, quit a stressful job, built two full client loads, prepared for licensure, volunteered, led groups, worked out multiple times a week, attempted to diet, spent time with family and friends, had budgets fail, had two or three incidences requiring the car go in the shop, bought a house, etc etc etc.  I've lived in my current location since June and tomorrow I move again.  I was just thinking, it feels like I just got here and here I go again.  I am just ready to settle down and take a long nap.  While the day to day is manageable, when I get a few moments to just sit, I realize the toll of all of this change.  While I am pleased with how it's all turning out and I feel blessed, it doesn't make the transition any less tiring.  In a way, I just need someone to carry me or roll me in a stroller for a brief moment.  After days of caring for others, I need a little pampering.  After months of constant change, I am ready for a routine.  After unpredictability and trauma, I am ready for a time of respite and recharging.  However, I am not so sure that season will happen anytime in the near future. 

I've noticed with most of my clients that when life is in motion, its like a rolling snowball.  Life tends to pick up more and more in these seasons rather than mellow out based on my energy level.  And while I am good at forcing myself to go to bed early and relax, I feel this insatiable desire to just fall away for a bit a recharge.  The thought of combining three residences into one makes me overwhelmed and more tired.   I am planning out my caffeine intake and charting out where I can rest. 

I suppose it's time like these that I have to stop leaning on my own strength.  Part of being dependant on God is allowing him to provide when we don't know where to get it from.  The other day my tire hit a monster pot hole.  Instantly the tire was flat and the rim was damaged.  It looked awful and as I rode in the tow truck I thought, "God, please just give me a financial break, I really don't have this".  What was initially estimated to be at least $300 turned out to be a small $123.  God provided a way for me to make it out of that bad situation with what I could handle.  I suppose the stroller or the parent at the theme park is my Father who knows I just need to rest and catch up and then I will be back in the excitement.  I may need to ask others for help in the months to come.  I may need to forgive myself for not always making my goals.  I may just have to rest and realize with all this excitement, it's likely I would feel worn out.   I think I just have to realize we weren't meant to see and do it all.  Sometimes we have to miss out so we can do more later.  Sometimes we just have to give ourselves permission to lay down peacefully and ignore the excitement for our own sanity.  I know while this is a struggle for me because I hate to miss out, I feel that growing urge to just "lie down in green pastures", so it's probably time I listen.  It's 2 o'clock in my life so I guess it's just time to take a cat nap....

Ants in My Pants

All the kids I work with are constantly moving and wiggling around.  This week I asked a kid if he had ants in his pants, and he actually looked not knowing what the phrase meant.  While I thought this was strange, I realized and related to their energy today as I realized since breakfast I've hopped from one activity to the next without taking a breath.  With only two weeks until closing on the new house and less than 100 days to the wedding, I know I, too,  officially have ants in my pants... the metaphorical kind at least.

There is something about waiting and anticipating that I am just not very good at.  Even with a slow ketchup bottle I usually will resort to jamming a knife in the bottle if it's not moving fast enough.  I like fast food, drive thru's, banking online, rapid release Tylenol, and already baked rolls.... why?  Because I hate waiting.

When I was five I had an Easy Bake Oven.  I loved it, but I am not sure I ever ate anything that was ever cooked more than 50% of the time.  I would be so excited once I shoved it in the oven that I was anxiously sit outside of the the oven watching it rise.  I would check on it about every five seconds, pulling it out thinking "ugh hurry up little cake" and eventually after about 30 times of pulling it out and poking it, I would just give in a eat it raw.  My treats never looked like bake goods, they looked like warm soup with crispy edges.  I am not sure if the Easy Bake Oven even really worked because I could never even wait for one thing to finish and I was on to the next.  Even as an adult, I prematurely pull out cookies and brownies only to find out the insides just are not ready.  I like instant gratification, and so in times where I can't make time go faster I find myself fluttering around like a little butterfly unable to find a place to land.

Today for example, my fiancé naps while I frantically pack, do laundry, dust, and let out my roommate's dog through out the day.  He is worn out after an hour or two, and I just feel the need to keep cleaning, packing and organizing.  I have mental pictures of how the move might go and where I want to put things.  I just am so excited I can't hold it in.  I make him drive to the house at least once a week to "check on it" as if anything has actually changed...  I realized these ants in my pants are keeping me from enjoying the journey.  That discomfort with not being where I want to be when I want to be keep me anxious, moving, and always thinking about the future rather than the present.

Some of these feelings are normal, but each minute of our day is a gift.  I just had to stop and slow down and be thankful today.  Thankful for the amazing sun warming up the piles of ice, thankful for having food in the pantry and money in the bank, thankful for being healthy, thankful for a big God who has given me so much, thankful for a home and an ability to move into a new home.  There are so many reasons to "stop and smell the roses", but I just want to run through the garden instead trying to see what's behind every next corner.  So, I guess I will stop for now.  I might just sit down for a minute and enjoy a few quiet moments before everything is moving and changing again.  Time to take off those antsy pants and just relax in my jammies....

Motherly Instincts

Since I started working in the schools, I feel like a little motherly instinct has gone from relatively average to full-blown mother duck.  So many of my kids that I work with are often times bounced from house to house with mulitple caregivers.  Some of my children are at school from 7am for before school care and stay until 6pm for after school care.  Some of them tell me they don't have breakfast, and if they do, they eat cheetos or chips.  Some have no bed time, no clean clothes, or no consistancy for much of anything. Day after day I am put into awe when a teacher tells me another story of their students life.  I say, "wow" and "that's horrible" quite a bit. 

Even though both my parents worked full time when I was growing up, I feel like they poured a lot into me.  Even now into my adulthood I find myself thinking of the "norms" my parents taught me: you need to have cereal or a breakfast food in the morning not junk, take a bath daily, brush your teeth, put on clean underwear, you can't go without a coat if it's under 50 degrees, you cannot wear shorts until it's 65 degrees, you need to show us your homework before bed, you need to go to bed at a decent hour, you don't hit people, etc etc etc.  The kids at my school seem to have their own culture, the culture of poverty with messages saying: every man for themselves, if they hit you then hit them back, no one tells you what do to except your momma.  Or maybe the messages that aren't said are the ones that are more influential like "I love you" and "you mean the world to me" or "you can do this if you try hard".

I find myself patting more kids on the back or head, asking "how was your day?" and praising the smallest things.  When they hug me I feel all warm and not annoyed they are slowing down my progress.  I find myself making sure they were doing ok in class and asking if they got their work done.  I point out untied shoes or the teen wearing flip flops in the middle of winter.  I find myself turning my job into a ministry of compassion, care and love.  And the clients continue to pour in....This unconscious awareness to teach, protect, provide and love is growing immensely.  People who make it out of these situations in life usually say, "there was one person who believed in me and told me I was worth something".  I want to be that one person that these kids feel really cares about them because they deserve to feel worthwhile.  They deserve to feel like someone cares when they come home.  I know my family was not perfect but I never felt like my parents just did not care whether I was ok or not.  I never felt like my parents were so into their agenda that if I was hurting they still wouldn't care.  I always knew they would provide, protect, and support me.  Seeing where I am today, I just know that those little motherly moments of love, support, teachiing and correction were what made me someone who is able to love in return today.  If only those who were so blessed could realize what a need there is to love others. 

Never has my favorite quote from Mother Teresa felt so true in my life:  There is hunger for ordinary bread, and there is hunger for love, for kindness, for thoughtfulness, and this is the great poverty...

We can give kids new clothes and school supplies in August in cute little back packs, we can send food to their food pantries, and pay our taxes for their health care, but if we never take the time to love them, support them, encourage them, then they will never have the hope to change themselves.  I pray motherly instincts kick in for more people who are privaledged to love those who need it most...  Just some thoughts from the day...

Frozen Simplicity...

As we are bracing ourselves for what could be a blizzard or an ice storm which could potentially either take us out of work for a week or just another day, I am struck at how relaxed I am and how lucky I feel.  I feel like maybe this mini-retreat of bracing for the possibility of winter camping is meant to be a time to take advantage of simplicity and rest.

I started to picture what it would be like if winter camping actually took place.  I was cruising the empty aisles at Wal-Mart which happened to be empty.  I kept thinking, all we need is light, food, and warmth.  All of the sudden, I realized how much extra crap is available at Wal-mart.  Tiny things that consume my time, wallet, and desire no longer felt necessary.   Normally, when I go to Wal-mart I tell myself, within good reason, go pick out groceries for the month and have fun picking out whatever you WANT.  Today I was thinking, what do I actually NEED if I no longer have heat, water, power, etc.

I grabbed two candles, wondering, what if the heat really does go out?  What will I do for warmth?  Then I remembered the mountain of clothing, socks, shoes, hats, and gloves I have.  Did I mention all of the blankets I have?  Yeah, I guess my fetish for quality blankets could possibly pay off.  I thought what if we can't cook?  Then I realized I had the money to buy crackers, bread, and canned goods.   I probably spent an hour in Wal-Mart thinking, "what do we really NEED?"  So often, I more so think about what little frills do I want.  I buy little frozen foods, cute things for my office, an occasional shirt or accessory, but today, when I was thinking of what I would need if I was down to the basics I was very humbled. 

I realized then, "what about all my kids that I work with?"  So many of the families I work with have very little.  While I was able to drop about $80 today on groceries, gas, and car stuff, I realized some of my families living in poverty that I work with won't necessarily have the ability to go out and buy the last $20 flashlight.  They won't have a bunch of extra clothes to wear when it gets cold.  They couldn't probably afford to buy extra ice scrapers for their cars when theirs break.  Some are going to really have a hard time if this power does go out for two weeks.  In all honesty, I know if the power went out even for two weeks, we have what we need to survive here.  It may be uncomfortable and different because there will be more work, but I will survive.  I think the biggest shock for people like me is that I am so used to having things easy.  I don't really worry about being cold, hungry, or without very often.  For my families, it's another hill to climb.  Maybe that's why the grocery lines are long for those suburban families... we just aren't used to struggling anymore.  The idea that everything is so easy for me, really made me appreciate all of the blessings I have and made me want to figure out how I can continue to stay humbled in the future with the reality that I am probably one of the 3% of the world's population who needs to be reminded about NEEDS and WANTS.  All that from a day off of work and a trip to Wal-mart......

Well, whether it's a couple hours without power, two weeks, or just a false alarm, this day God revealed a lot to me.  1. Humility and a desire to humble myself continually to live a simple and real life.  2. Respect for my families that I work with and their endurance to struggle silently.  3.  Hope that maybe if there is a loss of power, many more people will be reminded of the immense blessing God has given us.  4.  A clear head to take whatever comes with a smile and purpose to find joy even in the simplest things. 

Breathe Deeply...

For the last three weeks, I have been hard at work trying to prove to myself that I was really supposed to be a therapist.  I had a few things confirm this today.  And if anything, I was just able to breathe a little deeper as more weight fell off my shoulders.  My grief about my last job fell away today.  It's the continued journey up the mountain that's causing me to reflect and look at myself in positive ways again.

First of all, I have loved my new job in the school.  The kids are... AMAZING!  They stop by (even the ones I don't work with) to say "hi Ms. Kerrie".  Some ask to see my dinosaurs or cars.  Some ask what a therapist does.  Some want me to know that they will be seeing me because "they have lots of problems to talk about", and some just want to be friendly little people on the look out for love.  A few of the first grade neighbors come by daily (or multiple times a day) to just say hi.  They awkwardly wait at the door, one even knocked today, just to see if I would acknowledge them.  I always turn and say hello followed quickly by "where are you supposed to be?"  Which normally leads to more awkward excuses or them turning and walking back to class.  Occasionally one bravely wanders into my office and attempts to get a lot at my shelf of objects not long before their teacher returns to coax them back into the classroom.  By the age of seven these children have witnessed more than I think I did by high school.  They know all about guns, domestic violence, drugs, rap songs, fighting, slang, and cuss words.  They punch when they are angry, they scream bloody murder, but when they get to my door, they have HUGE smiles, puppy dog lips, and batting eye lashes.  Why?  Because I have toys, and LOTS of them in my office.  Therapy is supposed to be fun, right...

Some of my reminders were more somber.  An old client's parent called at their wits end.  They called me before the new therapist and said I was second to their own parent when they thought, "Who can help me?"  I have not seen this women for over a month and a half.  And I suppose I was surprised when her number popped up on my caller id when I was driving home.  I have nothing to offer but empathy.  I can't change her situation, I can't even make a call to help her, but she still thought of me.  I always second guess my ability to have an impact on families.  I always figure a month after I go people just move on.  Maybe to the next therapist, to a friend, or family member.  But to know I was still a primary support felt pretty amazing in a way.  Maybe after all that time, I did do something...

And finally, after hours of computer problems this week I called my supervisor's supervisor in desperation as after two hours this week I have not been able to register for my pay stub (DAMN PAPERLESS SYSTEMS!!!).  She was sort of unaware of what I had been doing in my schools as I just started last week.  I haven't had much feed back and so after I got my questions answered she asked, "have you had an in-take yet?".  "Oh yes, I have had more than one".  "Two or three," she said.  "Actually, I have had 6 and took on the one open case so that's seven".  "WOW!" she said, "you're doing amazing".  ..... me... I did .... amazing?  Tell me more... just kidding...  I just smiled and said, "well, I'll keep trying my best".  I don't know how the next few weeks will go.  I just needed affirmation.  I told a co-worker that just hours before today.  Probably because I would never just openly seek that from someone, I had to be suckered in by not being able to do everything myself.  In some ways I had felt bad I called at 7pm, and in other ways, I was so glad I did.  Again, I breathed in deeply and was renewed with energy, strength, and encouragement.  It's so good to feel that again.

Maybe I am just lucky or something, but God gave me signs in three's today.  I get little miracles that remind me, "you are here for a purpose".  It feels like fate sometimes.  I wonder why I had to be dragged through the mud first, but I am started to care less and less about that.  I am starting to feel better and better about my abilities.  I am reminded of my spiritual gifts.  I just feel like God is looking down on me.  Saying, "it is good".  It is good that I love these people so much, and for that he loves on me.  I didn't always feel that love where I was before, but now I see it and appreciate it more than I think I could have if I would have just got this job right out of school.  I don't think I could have seen past the endless computer errors and network connections.  I would have been insecure about starting two new programs, about calling half of the school in a couple days, and worried that I wouldn't know how to help.  Today, I felt like the warm sun shined upon my back and I felt one of those "God moments" where maybe just maybe I have a real purpose in this world....